Paul Wood

‘That racket is the dawn chorus.’

‘You’re not by any chance related to George Osborne?’

‘How do we blame this on Corbyn?’

‘I wanted to buy it but then I realised we couldn’t afford it.’

‘Oh there’s plenty of beds, but all our nurses have gone to work at Tesco.’

‘No thanks — Mum brought us up on quinoa, chia seeds and kale

‘It’s called “sushi”, m’lord.’

‘And has the jury reached a verdict?’

‘Now, now, you know that’s your brother’s daddy. And he’s your sister’s daddy. Your daddy will visit us tomorrow.’

‘Take me to your leader’s Twitter feed.’

‘Let’s face it, the world is getting to be a more dangerous place.’

‘Do they have to make such a song and dance about it?’

‘Before we link hands, can we first use the hand-sanitising gel?’

‘I predict a long journey… looking for a new job.’

‘You need to man up, Mr Hulk. This is the UK, we’re all angry.’

‘What do you mean, asking for a kiss is now considered a hate crime?’

‘He’s invented the Samsung phone.’