Paul Wood

‘The children said they will be out to photograph it later.’

‘Brian’s off to watch the golf.’

‘There are rumours another crash could be on the way.’

‘Fancy a dip?’

‘That? Oh, I’m trying to tap into the younger generation.’

‘Sorry if it shatters the illusion but today is our collection day.’

‘And on your left you can see another stabbing...’

‘A final request? Can I check my phone one last time?’

‘Maybe this would change your mind about giving me some antibiotics?’

‘Thank you for buying your wheel from us. We wondered if you’d mind participating in a short survey about your purchase?’

‘Phwoar, that Theresa May’s a bit of all right.’

‘Is everything OK with your meal? Your child isn’t running wild in our restaurant.’

‘The beer costs the same – we just don’t talk about Trump.’

‘… and it’s 100 per cent endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow…’