Paul Wood

‘Do you think we’ve reached peak faux outrage?’

‘I’d offer to drown our sorrows, but no one wants us in their pubs.’

‘Maybe this isn’t such a cool look after all.’

‘Typical! Couldn’t wait until the end of January.’

‘But it’s not just you, babe, I no longer trust the government, the scientists, Big Pharma, the mainstream media...’

‘This? Oh, it’s nothing.’

‘I don’t know why we come to this pub, we can never get a seat.’

‘What do you suggest for my dad who’s now my mother?’

‘Before I give you my answer, can I ask you to subscribe...’

‘Simon might say, Mother, but AI thinks different.’

‘I cut the nose off the brie.’

‘So, how long have you been an intimacy co-ordinator?’

‘Apparently in the UK you can smell skunk on every street corner...’

‘It’s a boy who will transition to a woman.’

‘It’s OK, the internet isn’t down – the government have just banned it.’