Nick Newman

‘No need to forgive me, Father, for my advisers assured me I haven’t sinned.’

‘I expect Mr Punch will get a knighthood.’

‘Which author would you like to cancel?’

‘It’s the case against Boris Johnson’

‘If you really loved me you would have got me a tomato.’

‘I accept you saw Elvis – I just don’t believe he had a tomato.’

‘Let’s hope he hasn’t got into bed with another publisher.’

‘Will this be a kiss-and-tell in an unflinching memoir?’

‘I’m doing work experience, but I’m on strike.’

‘Let’s check whether you’ve been naughty or nice.’

‘Unfunded giveaways? Are you insane?’

‘There’s going to be a chronic shortage of Tories.’