Mary Killen

Q. I have a public profile and have always looked after my personal presentation, but my identical twin has never bothered with hers. She wouldn’t dream of covering up the broken veins on her cheeks and her hair is quite grey and frizzy. Now I’m getting married and worry that my sister’s appearance could cause some of the clients I’ve invited to rethink my ‘relevance’. What should I do, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Explain to your twin that after you had paid for a hair and make-up artist for the wedding, you came under pressure from a colleague whose hair and make-up-artist daughter could get urgently needed publicity from working with you. Would your twin mind taking the other appointment? It seems a shame to waste the money.

Q. I took a girl out for dinner last week to a rather expensive restaurant. At first we got on well but then the conversation went on to politics and I spent the next 45 minutes listening to a fourth-wave man-hating feminist. Despite her stance that women should share every opportunity that men have (which I agree with incidentally), when the bill came she didn’t even gesture to put her hand in her pocket. Was I right to be so annoyed? – N.F., London SW7 A. I ran this past another fourth-wave feminist. Her view was that the girl’s ideology was not incompatible with your paying for her dinner on the grounds that ‘he probably suggested the restaurant and he is probably on a much higher salary than she is’.

Q. I recently joined our gardener during his tea break and asked: ‘What news? He replied: ‘We went to see Dad in his coffin yesterday – he looked very smart in his suit. It is amazing what they can do these days.’ I was quite unable to think of a suitable response – and still cannot. Any thoughts, Mary? — R.H., Cheltenham A. One good all-purpose response in these situations is to nod and murmur: ‘So they say… So they say…’ Q. I am a moderately successful journalist and sometimes friends ask me to help their children enter the trade. The problem is: after initial contact, usually by text or email, the children do not bother to follow up and I am left waiting by the telephone with a reading list.

Q. I have got myself in a pickle. My boss was given a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal by a client. It came in a very smart presentation box. I thought it would be funny to open it and replace the champagne with a bottle of fizzy water. My boss duly took it home and I waited several days, expecting him to come in one morning laughing and saying: ‘Where is it?’ Alas, silence. So in passing I nudged him with a grin on my face and said: ‘How was the champagne?’ He then told me he had fallen out with a childhood friend and they had not spoken since Christmas, so he had wrapped the box and sent it to the friend – and the friend thought it was a snide prank. I have not had the guts to come clean, and the champagne remains in my desk drawer. What should I do, Mary? – H.R.

Q. My wife and I live in a grace-and-favour house with beautiful gardens, of which our landlord is justly proud. He employs a full-time gardener to tend the grounds around the big house and also around our cottage. The gardener has recently developed a habit of using petrol-powered tools, such as strimmers and lawn mowers, at increasingly antisocial hours, including a recent 6.50 a.m. chainsaw attack on some dead trees. We do not pay for his services, which include not only looking after our little garden but also keeping us stocked with firewood and clearing a tennis court for our use, so we are reluctant to appear ungrateful. How can we ask him to start later, without looking this gift horse in the mouth? – P.K., by email A.

Q. Do you have a solution for writer’s block, Mary? A friend is the best company in the world, but I haven’t been able to speak to her for months. I know she reads her emails but they bounce back with the generic reply that she cannot respond until she has completed an urgent piece of writing work. I suspect she is blocked because this piece of writing is important to her on an emotional level but she is also the authority on the subject and only 5,000 words are required. — W.M., London W3 A. In writing it is often much easier to correct something bad than to begin something good. Why not ask ChatGPT to write 5,000 words and email the result?

Q. We own an estate and house in Devon. It is mostly used by family members but we do let several prime weeks. Our last tenant has annoyed us by writing in the family visitors’ book (a very personal and historic archive). She listed ‘improvements’ we could make, such as installing Sky television and providing more Thermos flasks, and clearly encouraged the rest of her party to sign and also contribute comments. We get well-remunerated for these lets and my husband says we mustn’t snub them but how, without striking the wrong note, can I make it clear that this is a family-only visitors’ book? – Name and address withheld A. This inexperienced tenant is probably in the habit of providing Tripadvisor-type comments wherever she goes.

Q. I own a flat and have rented two rooms out to friends from university. Now they have fallen in love. This means the three of us are often in the kitchen at the same time or watching television together at close quarters. They never stop kissing and cuddling and declaring their love – in front of me. Of course I am happy for them but even if I had my own boyfriend, I would consider PDAs TMI. How can I get them to stop without coming across as bitter?  – Name and address withheld A. This phase will probably not last long but you are right – Public Displays of Affection do tend to offer Too Much Information – especially when performed in an intimate domestic setting. Send a shot across the bows using the following method.

Q. I own a small boutique in north London selling secondhand clothes which are exclusively couture. An acquaintance is a frequent shopper but has a tendency to return items a few days after buying them with reasons like ‘My husband didn’t like the colour’ or ‘I think it’s too young for me.’ I have been tipped off by a mutual friend that she is wearing these clothes to parties before bringing them back for a refund. I would feel awkward confronting her but I would like to get the better of her. What is the best way to do this, Mary? – B.B., London NW8 A. Online retailers have noticed a surge in ‘wardrobing’ – ordering clothing to wear just once, usually without removing any tags, and then returning the item for a refund after use.

Q. I spent day two of the Lord’s Test Match last week in the Grandstand. Shortly after play began, the adjacent seats were occupied. He, largely silent, was innocuous. She, of unpleasingly shrill-toned voice, wittered on inanely at high volume, barely pausing for breath, until they left late on. Destined to sit next to someone like this for an entire day, how does one politely invite her to behave more decorously, without causing extreme offence? – P.R., Highgate, London A. Dear Mary’s cricket consultant, L.G. of Fosbury, steps in to advise. ‘The answer to this problem is to buy the headsets available at all cricket grounds that allow you to listen to the TMS commentary as you watch.

Q. My wife has for some time been a member of a fashionable members’ club. A dear friend and ex-colleague recently approached me to ask if he could submit her details as reference for his application to such club. In some circles he may be deemed to be somewhat rough around the edges. Personally, I would have no hesitation in recommending him as I believe I owe him a great deal – indeed, I believe we all owe him a great deal. As a sometime servant of this country, he survived a near fatal wound in one of Mr Blair’s ill-advised expeditions to the Middle East. My wife has refused his request on the grounds that he is likely to cause trouble at some stage. I disagree, but even so I would support his application. What should I do? – J.R., Oxfordshire A.

Q. I have a friend who is a serious gardener. I myself am reasonably keen but not in her league. Last year she gave me some rare plants. Unfortunately I didn’t plant them very carefully and they ended up dying. She lives some distance away and I felt quite safe pretending they had flourished. With any other gardener I would have had no compunction in admitting they had died but our relationship is complicated. She’s now asked to come and stay for a local wedding and I’m dreading her discovering the truth. What can I do, Mary? – Name and address withheld  A.

Q. I was lucky enough to marry into a family where everyone gets on well. One of my brothers-in-law was the only one with a big enough wall in his house to hang a family treasure of a fragile antique tapestry, but last year he too moved into a smaller house and the tapestry now lies in his attic. When one of us asks how the tapestry is doing he moans ‘ruined, no doubt – ruined by moths’ but refuses to discuss it further or let anyone else have a look. The tapestry may or may not be beyond repair, but this much-loved man has always preferred to keep his head in the sand rather than confront something potentially painful. Mary, what should we do? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. As I live just over an hour away from London I usually choose to take a late train home after parties, but train fever often overshadows my enjoyment of the gatherings. This is partly because even a glance at my watch will look rude and spoil the vibe. Do you think a braille watch I could discreetly touch would be the answer? – L.G., Fosbury, Wilts A. Braille watches usually come with one raised bobble on the hour and another raised bobble on the minute. Hence they are easy to ‘read’ by touching. However there would be palaver involved with groping up the sleeve, and you might find beady-eyed fellow guests driving you up conversational cul-de-sacs when they spot it. Perhaps better to keep your mobile somewhere on your body.

Q. I am organising a village fête and am happy to throw cash into it, as we want to make a favourable local impact as the new owners of the Old Rectory. We will have games for children, teas and cakes, secondhand stalls and a brass band. My question is – should I also hire an old-fashioned fortune-teller? I feel this would generate a lot of harmless excitement, but my husband thinks it could cause trouble as some people take fortune-telling seriously. – Name and address withheld A. A more useful community service would be to hire a pop-up GP. These now feature in the back rooms of certain upmarket London chemists and give consultations to the time-pressed for £45. Hold a men-only raffle to allow ten winners a free consultation.

Q. My wife’s daughter and son-in-law and their family live about 40 miles away. Whenever they come to stay, he asks if he can use an electric socket to charge his new Tesla. Although he thanks me profusely for making a socket available, he does not offer to pay for the electricity. Were he to do so, I would decline the offer, but I do feel that it is discourteous of him to take it for granted that it is a gift. How can I get him to raise his game? – Name and address withheld A. There is a protocol to deal with this emerging dilemma. Electric car drivers must make a point of carrying and brandishing cash so they can at least offer to pay for their charge.

Q. I remember a time when one could be confident of reaching all one’s circle through an announcement in the personal columns of the Times – for example to say that one was not sending out Christmas cards but instead would be making a donation to charity. Or, indeed, where one would be spending one’s honeymoon. My problem is that I have got terribly behind with answering emails and,  with more pouring in each day, I am beside myself. Would it be acceptable to email my entire address book with a generic apology for not having answered an email they may or may not have sent, and explaining how overwhelmed I am? –  O.W., London SW6 A. This sort of impersonal and egocentric announcement would cause resentment. Imagine if you received one yourself.

Q. I have some fairly new friends who very generously invited me to stay with them in Turkey. They told me who would be coming and I was slightly dreading meeting up again with one man I haven’t seen since we were much younger. He was always patronising and a bit misogynistic, and – as I was to discover – is even more insufferable now he has become successful. Everyone was lying by the pool and he asked me what I was reading. When I showed him – a fairly undemanding classic novel – his comment was: ‘Gosh, well done!’ I was infuriated but the only responses I could think of would have caused bad vibes within the very relaxed house party. So I said nothing. How could I have upbraided him without others thinking that I was uncivilised?  – S.D.

Q. We have been introduced to some fellow parents at our children’s school. They are not quite on our wavelength – very status conscious and money obsessed – but we want to stay on good terms because our children are friends. Like us, they have moved to the country from London and bought an old property which needed extensive remodelling. We are ahead of the game, having come here a year before they did, and so they have asked if they can come and look at the work we’ve had done. They are the kind of people who will want to know what everything cost. I can’t very well say I don’t know when they start questioning me about how much we have spent but, honestly, I don’t want to share that amount of our business with them. Mary, what should I do?

Q. When my husband and I meet certain friends for lunch, the bill is always higher than it should be, since one friend orders about five different dishes because she’s never sure what she wants. She barely touches any of them. We don’t want to quibble when it comes to dividing the bill, but we have retired and have to be watchful of our spending, unlike them. What should we do? – D.F., London SW10 A. Next time, you and your husband could feign reduced appetites due to a hectic social life and order small starters for each course. Then, when your friend doesn’t eat the array of dishes presented, you can help yourselves without guilt, claiming it looks too delicious not to eat. ‘Mmm – we were hungrier than we thought!’ Q.