Mary Killen

Q. American clients emailed saying they were coming to Europe this spring and inviting us and another couple on a fantastic-sounding boat trip in the eastern Mediterranean which we rather shamelessly accepted. Last week I got a further email saying, as the holiday was approaching, it was time to sort out the financial side of things, ending up with some terrifying figures that we would owe them. Looking back at the email chain, I found an attachment to the original invitation, which we hadn’t opened, showing a breakdown of the costs as shared between the three couples. There is no way we can afford it but, for professional reasons, cannot confess this. Help! – Name and address withheld A. Break the news that, maddeningly, you will have to withdraw.

Q. I am a 29-year-old gay man. About four months ago I met a man at least 30 years older than me. We have become very good friends with many shared interests. I am certain that my friend (let’s call him ‘Tom’) has enjoyed the friendship as much as I have. It has been entirely platonic, even in situations where ‘something’ might have happened. We have often discussed making a trip to Paris (in particular to go to the opera). We had a very straightforward conversation about the cost of the trip and it is clear that I am to be his guest in April, for when the trip is booked. Last week Tom told me that the hotel he had carefully chosen (no doubt a lovely place to stay) cannot provide twin beds in its rooms. He has asked if I am happy to share a ‘very large bed’.

Q. Since my wife and I went our separate ways I have had lots of social invitations. My ex always dealt with the thank-you letters and I am useless at getting around to writing them. Now a friend has introduced me to an app called ChatGPT which writes letters and even poems for you if you tell it what you are thanking someone for. I tried it out and the result was astounding. The bot replies immediately and with a few tweaks – taking out words like ‘scrumptious’ and ‘pleasant’ – the job was effectively done for me. I have used it twice but am feeling worried I will be found out. Mary, is it safe to use this app? – Name and address withheld A. Yes, you can use it again, with two provisos. First, only do it for the next few weeks.

Q. I work part-time with a lovely girl (aged 27) in a tiny office. She is very nice and not too woke. But she wears cheap scent that has a ghastly, acrid smell and I feel like I’m ingesting poison. Mary, what do I do? – Name and address withheld A. Why not borrow a friend’s asthma inhaler and bring it to the office? Make a show of using this and splutter that ‘I was just about to ask you what that divine scent is, but now I fear it may be triggering my allergy…’. Q. I was widowed last year and I am missing female company very much. In my leisure activities I have many superficial exchanges with ladies of my own age and, from time to time, I feel that I would like to take the acquaintance a little bit further, e.g. theatre, cinema, concert.

Q. My mother is still mentally and physically sprightly at the age of 87. She is perfectly capable of living alone – indeed she has done so for the past 20 years. The problem is that she is still highly social but most of the London friends of her own vintage, some of whom lived in the same historic apartment complex in Piccadilly, have died. Any ideas as to how she could make new friends? – G.F., Bruton, Somerset A. Perhaps she could take a tip from another highly social widow, who has just died aged 97, but who was a keen attender of memorial services, having no qualms about turning up at those of people she had never met but who had well-known names. To the same end your mother might enjoy scouring the Court & Social pages of the Times and Telegraph.

Q. I am considered to be a friendly and communicative person in everyday life. However I have a bad back and need to have the occasional hour-long massage to offset the tension of having to sit down at work all day. My assistant books me in for ‘full body relaxation massage’ at various spas and explains that, as the client, I will want to zone out completely. And yet there is obviously something about me which is giving the wrong message, as I invariably find I am being treated by a chatty therapist. I try to give the most minimal greeting and description of my needs when I walk into the treatment room, but it still seems to set them off.

Q. I have been horribly caught out with no one to blame but myself. I was sent a large electric blanket coat of the sort you can sit in on a sofa watching television. My family and I all thought it was hideous but I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the person who kindly gave it to me and wrote a suitably grateful thank-you letter, saying we had been using it nonstop. We had looked it up online and, because it was quite expensive, my daughter said she would return it to the shop in Oxford Street and get me a credit to spend there.

Q. We have some friends whom we have casual suppers with on a fairly regular basis, just the four of us. Recently they sent a text inviting us ‘for supper’ and we turned up on the appointed evening to walk into a room filled with 20 other guests and formal tables set up. Not only were we mentally unprepared for such an evening, we were also under-dressed. Although my husband ended up loving the party, he works a 12-hour day and would definitely have said no had he known the scale of it. Our host knows this and so I feel he slightly ambushed us. How can we stop this from happening again? – G.L., Edinburgh A. A few days before the next ‘supper’, send your host a text suggesting that you contribute a pudding as you have a fabulous new recipe.

Q. I work at home and the other day was heading out to buy a sandwich when I ran into a friend outside a local restaurant. She invited me to join her, and one of my artist heroes, inside. I accepted but when we entered I could see that a man who I always try to avoid was already sitting at the table. I knew his presence would be a vibe-changer and I was right. But Mary, how could I have made a getaway at that very late stage without being openly rude? – Name and address withheld A. You could have gasped that just as you were about to turn off your telephone you saw a message saying your burglar alarm had gone off and so you would have to rush back to your house to put things right. ‘Please don’t wait for me,’ you could have said.

Q. A very good friend, who has been incredibly generous in the past, is feeling the financial squeeze, particularly with the inflation we are all suffering. I would like somehow to contribute regularly to his monthly expenses but can’t think of a way to do this without offending him or getting a refusal from him. His passion is hunting and I was wondering if I could set up an association for impoverished sportsmen. Do you have any ideas, Mary?  – Name and address withheld A. It would be simpler to inform your friend, in a businesslike manner, that your will is in preparation and it includes legacies for a handful of friends, like himself, who have been exceptionally generous to you.

Q. One of the most widely adored people I know is a single man in his fifties. He is brilliant and charming but neurotic about money – all our mutual friends joke about his ‘dusty wallet’. I have just heard from one of these, who had him to stay for five days after Christmas. He had invited himself but, since he arrived with some indeterminate chesty illness, their youngest son moved out of his own bedroom so this guest could have an en suite and a television in his room. The family lovingly left trays outside his door etc till he was better. No present of any kind was forthcoming. The mutual friend who was his host does not ‘need’ anything but that’s not the point. Any small thing would have done – just as a gesture of appreciation.

Q. I have enjoyed strained relations with my sister-in-law over many years. This Christmas she has chosen to donate her £15 gift to my 16-year-old daughter to a local charity, previously unknown to us, without any prior consultation. She has provided the charity with my daughter’s name and a message supposedly from her. My daughter is no stranger to charity-giving but would have preferred to exercise her personal choice and has been unsettled by her aunt’s dominance. My sister-in-law is a pedant with regards to manners and will expect a handwritten thank-you note. Mary, how can I proceed in this matter, which is causing anxiety to my daughter and a deep fury in me? – Name and address withheld A. Do not rise to this bait.

From Julian Fellowes Q. Whenever anyone asks me how to get a project off the ground, I say that getting a film made is pretty hard. So often the response is: ‘But you did it!’ The argument is a tough one to refute, as the implication is that clearly I myself am not possessed of any ability or talent, and so I back away, apologetic and, to be honest, slightly humiliated. What would you suggest? A. Englishmen like yourself have been bred to be self-deprecating – but there’s no need to overdo it. You might reply: ‘Yes, you’re quite right – even I managed it. And if you keep on persevering you’ll find that… [theatrical pause] eventually water finds its own level.’ Then say nothing while they ponder on your words. From Julia Hartley-Brewer Q.

Q. I’m dreading Christmas because my darling partner’s two middle-aged children (both unmarried) are coming to stay and they don’t get on. I don’t want to seem inhospitable by not offering them plenty to drink, but drink does always seem to be the trigger for their rows. What do you recommend, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Change the thrust of the visit into a spa-themed break rather than a festival of gluttony. See if you can book visits from massage therapists who do not celebrate Christmas and therefore may welcome the work. Your partner should communicate with his children that you have begun to worry you may have an alcohol problem. For this reason he thinks it would be kinder if there was no drink in the house, as you might be tempted to lapse.

Q. I have become a lodger in a fortunate friend’s flat in Mayfair. We are both single and I am keen to start giving parties there. I had a trial run which was successful, bar the presence of one inebriated guest who went around indiscriminately insulting people – for example he walked up to a female guest and swore at her, before jeering at another guest’s hairstyle, proclaiming: ‘Only a Nazi would have hair like that.’ To top it all, he fell asleep on the dancefloor. He has a loyal harem of female handlers who look after him and go around apologising in his wake. Inexplicably this man is ‘best friends’ with my flatmate and fellow host – so how can I prevent him from attending our next event? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I work as a PA for someone who constantly refers to my husband by the wrong name (Gerald instead of Gerard). This has been going on for months. I have corrected her twice with no result. What do you suggest? My husband is beginning to feel chippy about this.  – Name and address withheld A. Orchestrate things so that your employer has to send you an email or text in which it’s necessary to refer to your husband. Then say pleasantly: ‘I can tell you used autocorrect when you sent that message because the machine changed my husband’s name from the correct Gerard to Gerald!’    Q. We frequently invite a lonely neighbour to a meal. He always brings a bottle of good wine.

Q. Last week I was a ticket-paying guest at a charity dinner. After the first course, the main fundraiser stood up and gave a speech. I didn’t know the man on my right but I suspect he was some sort of VIP. He never stopped talking about himself to me throughout the speech and I was aware of disapproving glances in our direction. I didn’t want to be rude and ignore him but we were obviously an annoyance to others. What would you have done, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. You might have gripped his arm and said: ‘Did you hear? I think she/he just mentioned your name.’ That would have shut him up and then, at the end, you could have said: ‘Oh – I must have been mistaken.’  Q.

Q. I would like to matchmake two singleton neighbours. They have absolutely everything in common, except their social class and their politics, but they are in the same line of work and both enjoy the same fairly unusual hobby. I know they would adore each other. In order to introduce them – do you advise I have a lunch for a small or large number of people? And should I sit them next to or opposite one another?  — N.D., Frampton on Severn, Gloucestershire A. When potential matchmakees hail from contrasting milieus, their first meeting should not take place in a ‘battlefield’ scenario. Instead, issue a casual invitation to both to join you on a longish walk. Give them only a sketchy account of what they have in common and no hint that you are matchmaking.