Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. I am shortly to take the stage at a certain literary festival. I always enjoy talking afterwards to those readers who have brought along their copies of my book for me to sign. One thing which grates, however, is the inevitable presence, always at the very top of the queue, of a book dealer with an armload of copies which will soar in value with the addition of my signature. How can I overcome the uncharitable feelings I experience on these occasions and sign the books with good grace? Name and address withheld A. You could emulate the stance of another top author who takes satisfaction, as he signs, in reflecting how each new signature eats away at the dealer value of other signed copies already on the market.

Dear Mary... Q. I cannot believe that you condone the habit of 'high-profile guests' who keep their hosts waiting while they decide whether or not to accept an invitation (26 April). Their so-called 'ruthless insistence on flexibility where social arrangements are concerned' shows a weakness of self-importance. The hosts would no doubt have other guests they would like to invite instead. I cannot believe that you yourself would display such a lack of courtesy.J.T., London SW7 A. No, I personally would not behave in this way and I regret having given the impression of condoning the practice of hedging in general. I hoped I had made clear that I was dealing only with top-of-the-range hedging, i.e., among those of presidential status.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I are actors, and therefore we are at home most of the day. We have a Brazilian cleaning man who comes for three hours at a time three days a week. Our problem is that for a full half-hour of each of these sessions he occupies the downstairs loo. Since we are paying him £10 an hour, we feel it's a bit off to have to pay £5 for him to stink the house out. Can you tell us: 1) is it a Brazilian custom to go to the loo for half an hour at a time? 2) how we can tactfully tell him that we would appreciate his doing his business in his own home before coming to us? Name withheld, London NW1 A. I am no expert on the time-and-motion (so to speak) query that you raise with regard to the Brazilian race in general.

Dear Mary... Q. My husband has developed an annoying habit of beginning to unzip himself as he approaches our downstairs gents. He also delays the buttoning-up process until long after he has vacated the facility. I am afraid that I find this obscene. How can I put a stop to this habit?Name withheld, Binham, Norfolk A. You are not the only reader to have written in to complain about this problem, but a solution is readily to hand. One out of every three dogs is of the crutch-sniffing variety, however charming the animal may be in other respects. Discreetly ask around, without revealing the purpose, and see if you could borrow such a dog for a couple of weeks. You will soon see an end to the nuisance. Q. I find it most difficult to obtain loden clothes in England.

Dear Mary... Q. I am shortly to give lunch to a number of high-profile people. Two of them have rung to inquire how late they can leave it before giving me a yes or a no. Do you agree with me that this behaviour, with its assumption that a better invitation may come along in the meantime, is outrageously rude?M.W., Wiltshire A. On the contrary. These days only the retired and low-profile can state with certainty whether they will definitely be available on a certain date. It is an unfortunate fact that the very reason why certain modern people are 'high-profile' is their ruthless insistence on flexibility where social arrangements are concerned.

Dear Mary... Q. I am a consultant to, and former partner of, a professional firm in the suburbs of London, where I do four days a week working in an extraordinarily happy and democratic environment with political incorrectness to the fore. A problem has arisen of a very delicate nature, where it has been alleged that a newly employed secretary – who is extremely popular, hardworking and efficient – suffers from the dreaded BO. How on earth does one address this issue, if at all?M.W., Gillingham, Dorset A. To deal with this problem, you must recruit two volunteers without ego problems from within the office.

Dear Mary... Q. My husband's 87-year-old father is greatly enjoying the Iraq war. With an understandable sense of personal invulnerability, he has been sitting in his 'safe house' in Cornwall, watching virtually every news bulletin and revelling in 'the deep satisfaction of seeing rockets hitting their targets', et cetera. We are taking our children, aged 9, 11 and l3, to stay with him for Easter. The house is not particularly big, but he has told us that all normal decorum will be suspended for the duration of the war, so he will have the television on nonstop in the one small sitting-room. Since he is deaf, it will be blaring away. How can we avoid being subjected to this harrowing coverage, which will traumatise our children as well as sickening and boring us?

Dear Mary... Q. My parents-in-law have taken to dropping round uninvited. While I do not dislike them, they always seem to appear at an inconvenient time, when either the house is looking horribly dishevelled or I am. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with this and gets very offended when I mention it. How can I ensure that they come by invitation only? They're driving me mad!M.P., Colchester, Essex A. Teach yourself the yoga position 'the corpse'. Read a few paragraphs about the benefits of yoga. Then you will be well equipped to reply, when next they ask how you are, 'Really well. I've started doing yoga. It's very soothing, especially the corpse position where you turn off all the telephones and just lie really flat and relax every single muscle in your body by turn.

Dear Mary... Q. At a party the other day a friend of mine took a canapZ off a loaded plate that was being carried by someone she thought was one of the catering staff, only to realise, on account of the woman's astonished look, that she was a guest and the plate a private one, as it were. What should my friend have said?L.B., London W8 A. The normal response from the woman carrying the plate would have been to laugh pleasantly at the mistake and use it as an opening gambit in conversation. However, since the woman's body language was clearly giving off waitress signals, she might well have been suffering from low self-esteem, a condition which would only have been compounded by your friend's error.

Dear Mary...Q. A man and a woman are in a railway carriage either side of the door. Both want to get off at the next station. The train stops. Who gets out first, a) if they are known to each other, b) if not?B.A.L., Egerton, Kent A. In both cases the man gets out first and holds the door open for the woman, offering to give her a hand with her bags if appropriate. Q. I have been going to the same hairdresser for about 15 years and have always been pleased with the cut. However, for one appointment, he was away sick and my hair was cut by another stylist, a girl, who cut it very well, and I had compliments when I returned to work. I managed to get her again when I changed my appointment and my regular stylist was not available, and again she cut it much better than my usual man.

Dear Mary... At a recent literary prize-giving, after three short and elegant speeches covering the shortlist and the award, the winner - for the first time in his life, it seemed - had the microphone. And did he not enjoy it! The assembled company of around 150 guests looked at one another in horror as the speech went on and on and on; those near the door began to slip away, the chairman hovered - looking as though he might grab the microphone - but no, we had to wait a full 20 minutes before the torture ended. It is not the first time I have experienced an overlong speech that totally stripped a party of its lively atmosphere and momentum. Had you been there, Mary, could we have counted on you to come up with a way of stifling the man's excesses?

Dear Mary... Q.

Dear Mary... Q. I rather prefer the use, however dated, of the English version of foreign place names, such as Leghorn, Peking and Bombay. I recently had occasion, in conversation, to refer to Majorca, whereupon my interlocutor pointedly (and from the point of view of clarity of meaning, needlessly) repeated the name, very elaborately, in its Spanish form. Naturally, at the time I let this pass, but I wonder whether there might be some way, without being reciprocally rude, in which this kind of smart-arse response might be trumped. S.M., Linton, Cambridgeshire A. With Majorca, for example, one could say, 'Oh, thank you for putting me right. So is MYORCA now the fashionable pronunciation?' Your interlocutor would be bound to reply, 'Not fashionable, my dear, just correct.

Dear Mary... Q. I was driving my wife and children to the Warwickshire countryside. My mother followed us in her car. At a slanted T-junction, I stopped to allow some far-off traffic to pass. My mother, thinking, perhaps, that I was still driving like the boy racer of my youth, accelerated straight into the back of my Mercedes. The result: damaged bumper, knackered tow-bar, car in need of repair. Do I: a) claim on her insurance - with all the associated form-filling and grief? b) Claim on my comprehensive insurance and risk a premium rise next year? c) Get the car repaired and send her the bill? Please help.M.F., Nethercote, Warwickshire A. The insurers will consider it the fault of the driver whose car has done the crashing into.

Dear Mary.. Q. I have a very dear friend who lives in increasingly bohemian circumstances in the country. He and his wife have repeatedly asked us to stay with them on one of our visits to England. The fact of the matter is that their standards of domestic hygiene are not particularly high. Suffice it to say that after using their lavatory a couple of years ago my wife went into something approaching a catatonic trance and was unable to speak for three days. So far we have managed to conjure up sufficient excuses to justify our absence, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that we are deliberately avoiding their hospitality. Mary, what can we do?Name and address withheld A. Visitors to England do tend to condemn our general standards of hygiene.

Dear Mary... Q. I am in my gap year, have been travelling to Vietnam and the Far East already, and was supposed to have gone off travelling again, this time to Eastern Europe, shortly after Christmas. This trip has now been postponed for various reasons, including waiting to see whether a war will start. In the meantime, I am kicking around the house all day. Can you recommend any reasonably well-paid work, other than cold-calling, that an as yet unqualified 19-year-old can start and stop at short notice, and even do from home if necessary? L.C., Andover, Wiltshire A. One in five public schoolchildren is currently infested with headlice resistant to all known treatments.

Dear Mary... Q. The story of Red Chris in last week's issue brings to mind another tricky issue about house parties, and that is the subject of bringing presents. As a host who occasionally entertains in the country, I do not expect guests to arrive with a gift but am nevertheless delighted to receive one if they do. My pleasure does not, however, extend to receiving second-hand goods. A good friend of mine, the owner of a hilltop estate in Wiltshire and a schloss in Austria, recently came to stay with his wife and four children, and presented me with a box containing a small bar of soap and three bottles of bath unguents, all inscribed 'The Franklin Hotel', along with a miniature bottle of whisky from the hotel mini-bar.

Dear Mary... Q. As a newly commissioned officer in a regiment that considers itself both pukka and professional, I have recently encountered a problem concerning the etiquette at formal dinner nights. Once seated, one may not rise for relief until after the Colonel has done so. This may be at least three hours, even longer with speeches. Not consuming alcohol would be considered particularly bad form. A friend (not in my regiment), unable to contain himself any longer, availed himself of a decanter, unfortunately incurring the severest of penalties. I have heard that it is possible to remove one's mess dress coat, revealing one's dress shirt, and thus, disguised as a waiter, slip out carrying some plates. Re-entrance would be accomplished in a similar manner.

Dear Mary... Q. Can you suggest an original birthday present for a novice gardener who is not yet very experienced?S.B., Aldeburgh, Suffolk A. Yes, you can buy 1,000 worms for £35 from the Green Gardener at Rendlesham. Curiously, you can freeze worms, then bring them back to life - rather like those little magic fish available from toy shops. Your friend can thump the worms out of their container and down a pipe leading to the centre of her compost heap, where they will go about their business and render the heap a desirable consistency in half the time it would normally take. Q. My husband and I will be entertaining a member of the royal family to dinner in the near future, and wish him to meet a female friend of ours, as we know that he will appreciate her sense of humour.

Q. Friends of mine have parents who moved to this neck of the woods three years ago. The parents bought a property with a tiny garden and consequently very much wanted to find an allotment. An elderly lady living in a stately home nearby was dividing up her walled kitchen garden and gave them a plot within this. The allotment has been a great success but my friends' parents are now faced with a dilemma. The elderly lady is moving to a dower house and would like the couple to leave their existing allotment and start another one in her new garden. Meanwhile, the son and daughter-in-law who have moved into the big house are also very keen on the couple and want them to stay on in the walled garden.