Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. Is it now de rigueur to offer one's dinner-party guests expensive chocolates along with their coffee or tisane? If the answer is yes, then I am afraid that I personally cannot afford to shell out a further tenner on top of what I will already be spending on food and wine. Plus I think it slightly disgusting and self-indulgent when a treat becomes the norm. What do you think, Mary?S.W., London W11 A. I agree with your last point. The trouble is that, although it is not de rigueur to offer expensive chocolates, many people's palates do now seem primed to receive them following dinner. Guests will even boldly ask if any are available. You can be prepared for this eventuality with a compromise.

Dear Mary... Q. A few days ago I was in a flat belonging to one of my sister's friends, whom I do not know very well. On visiting the bathroom, I discovered a lavatory, no paper, a bidet and a neat pile of clean fluffy towels. Never mind what I actually did; what would have been the proper course of action?Name withheld, London SW8 A. As a female, you were correct to be wary. This situation was less straightforward than it seemed. The first course of action open to you was to use the bidet and a clean fluffy towel, but the result would have been a 'used' towel with no obvious receptacle wherein to dispose of it. What if the person before you, equally embarrassed by the lack of a disposal option, had folded their used towel neatly back into the pile, complete with DNA samples?

Q. A colleague who sits next to me at work has a propensity to break wind violently whenever he feels inclined to do so. Far from being embarrassed by these eructations, as I imagine most people would be, he seems to see it as a social indelicacy on a par with coughing or slurping coffee; that is to say, not necessarily polite but certainly nothing to apologise for. Needless to say, I feel rather differently. How do I broach the subject without awkwardness? I have tried getting up and walking away every time the malodorous offences are committed, but he doesn't take the hint. Whether this has anything to do with the fact that he is American, and unaware of British standards of office etiquette, I couldn't say, but I am reaching the end of my tether.Name and address withheld A.

Q. Having just sold a flat, I have some spare cash which I wish to put to good use for my family. My grandson George recently had a nasty operation on his knee, and my daughter was, at the time, not quite sure how much the medical insurance would pick up. I sent her a cheque for £5,000 to lessen her worry — and I also said that if she didn’t need it now to put it into a separate account in case of complications. I know that my letter arrived, but I now find, three weeks later, that she has not paid this cheque in. Is she lazy, forgetful or simply uncaring? What do you think? I am frightened to ring her.Name and address withheld A. Perhaps your daughter is earning ‘funny money’ in the City, and your own real money has had a reduced impact on her.

Dear Mary... Q. On doctor's orders, I've recently had to lay off some of my favourite foods – bread, shepherd's pie, spaghetti carbonara, etc. Would it be polite to refuse a dinner invitation, when I know that the food served won't agree with me, especially as it's to a celebratory party for an old friend I used to run around with, who is shortly to come out of prison?Worried, address withheld A. Invitations to the party you mention are highly sought after, for a number of reasons. There is no need for you to refuse yours since, given that the new social equation is self-disciplined/neurotic equals A-list, you can guarantee that a good third of your fellow guests will be following weirdo exclusion diets.

Dear Mary... Q. I have been giving a summer drinks party in my London garden each year for the past 20 years. It has become something of a fixture on the social calendar and I am loth to give it up, but now a ruthlessly frank friend has suggested that this year I move the party inside the house. She points out that none of us is getting any younger, and that the brightness of the early evening light is not flattering. She says that she is not alone in finding it painful to contemplate a garden full of contemporaries, many of whom were stunners in their prime, 'all advanced a little further in their deterioration since the year before'. The lighting inside the house would be more flattering, but the house is cramped and the garden is my pride and joy. What do you suggest, Mary?

Dear Mary... Q. I understand that, even though my husband and I are reasonably well paid (our joint income is £65,000), we may still be entitled to something called child tax credit for our new baby – this on top of child benefit. How do I find out if this is true with the minimum of annoyance, Mary?T.St.A., Cornwall A. I am glad that you brought this matter up. Astonishingly, you are probably eligible for some monies, since apparently anyone with an income of less than £66,000 and a child under one can benefit. Those couples with joint incomes of less than £50,000 are entitled to credit worth £545 annually at the very minimum.

Dear Mary Q. My new wife, I have discovered, has a disturbingly communal disposition. From a large, somewhat boisterous family, boarding-school bred and a once committed Girl Guide, she thinks nothing of barging into the bathroom during my ablutions. Worse still, she seems intent on conversation with me, particularly when I'm on the loo. Without appearing neurotic, and being careful to avoid offence, how might I go about breaking her of such habits before the glow of an otherwise promising coupling begins to fade? H.B., Mudgee, NSW, Australia A. You do not mention whether your wife performs her own ablutions in front of you, but, in any case, whether hailing from a large, boisterous family in Australia or not, she should be discouraged from going any further down this very personal path.

Dear Mary... Q. An adored friend, with whom I regularly have lunch, always insists on 'supporting' his club. These lunches are deeply enjoyable but, as the member, my friend is the only one allowed to settle the bill. I have tried pressing cash on him when off the premises but, although he knows I have more funds at my disposal than he does, he always refuses outright. As he simply won't go elsewhere, I have no opportunity of returning the hospitality. I know I am not the only beneficiary of this largesse (which he can ill-afford) and that, frankly, his wife feels rather tight-lipped about the whole business. What can I do? S.H., London SW1 A.

Dear Mary... Q. Earlier this year we went to stay with friends in Devon for the weekend. Our host went to tremendous trouble trying to find enough horses to enable our whole family (of six) to hunt. We had brought with us a present of a small box of chocolates and when, on the Saturday evening, our hosts took us out to dinner at a neighbour's they brought these chocolates with them, exclaiming cheerfully in the car on the way, 'I thought we'd give them your delicious chocolates. I'll tell them they are from all of us.' Either wittingly or unwittingly, they thereby conveyed to us their view that a small box of chocolates is a suitably proportionate present for a dinner party rather than for a weekend. Next time we go there, how do you suggest that we compensate for our negligence?R.O.

Dear Mary... Q. A friend of mine has a maddening habit. She rings me from her mobile saying urgently, 'Can you ring me straight back?' then hangs up. Clearly she believes that it is much cheaper for me to ring her mobile from my landline than vice versa. This may or may not be the case – who has the time to read leaflets from the telephone companies and work it out? – but if she wants to talk to me, usually just idle chatter, then my feeling is that she should pay. Am I right, Mary? Or have I gone quite mad?P. de Z., London NW3 A. Why not turn all this pricing confusion to your advantage?

Dear Mary... Q. I am shortly to take the stage at a certain literary festival. I always enjoy talking afterwards to those readers who have brought along their copies of my book for me to sign. One thing which grates, however, is the inevitable presence, always at the very top of the queue, of a book dealer with an armload of copies which will soar in value with the addition of my signature. How can I overcome the uncharitable feelings I experience on these occasions and sign the books with good grace? Name and address withheld A. You could emulate the stance of another top author who takes satisfaction, as he signs, in reflecting how each new signature eats away at the dealer value of other signed copies already on the market.

Dear Mary... Q. I cannot believe that you condone the habit of 'high-profile guests' who keep their hosts waiting while they decide whether or not to accept an invitation (26 April). Their so-called 'ruthless insistence on flexibility where social arrangements are concerned' shows a weakness of self-importance. The hosts would no doubt have other guests they would like to invite instead. I cannot believe that you yourself would display such a lack of courtesy.J.T., London SW7 A. No, I personally would not behave in this way and I regret having given the impression of condoning the practice of hedging in general. I hoped I had made clear that I was dealing only with top-of-the-range hedging, i.e., among those of presidential status.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I are actors, and therefore we are at home most of the day. We have a Brazilian cleaning man who comes for three hours at a time three days a week. Our problem is that for a full half-hour of each of these sessions he occupies the downstairs loo. Since we are paying him £10 an hour, we feel it's a bit off to have to pay £5 for him to stink the house out. Can you tell us: 1) is it a Brazilian custom to go to the loo for half an hour at a time? 2) how we can tactfully tell him that we would appreciate his doing his business in his own home before coming to us? Name withheld, London NW1 A. I am no expert on the time-and-motion (so to speak) query that you raise with regard to the Brazilian race in general.

Dear Mary... Q. My husband has developed an annoying habit of beginning to unzip himself as he approaches our downstairs gents. He also delays the buttoning-up process until long after he has vacated the facility. I am afraid that I find this obscene. How can I put a stop to this habit?Name withheld, Binham, Norfolk A. You are not the only reader to have written in to complain about this problem, but a solution is readily to hand. One out of every three dogs is of the crutch-sniffing variety, however charming the animal may be in other respects. Discreetly ask around, without revealing the purpose, and see if you could borrow such a dog for a couple of weeks. You will soon see an end to the nuisance. Q. I find it most difficult to obtain loden clothes in England.

Dear Mary... Q. I am shortly to give lunch to a number of high-profile people. Two of them have rung to inquire how late they can leave it before giving me a yes or a no. Do you agree with me that this behaviour, with its assumption that a better invitation may come along in the meantime, is outrageously rude?M.W., Wiltshire A. On the contrary. These days only the retired and low-profile can state with certainty whether they will definitely be available on a certain date. It is an unfortunate fact that the very reason why certain modern people are 'high-profile' is their ruthless insistence on flexibility where social arrangements are concerned.

Dear Mary... Q. I am a consultant to, and former partner of, a professional firm in the suburbs of London, where I do four days a week working in an extraordinarily happy and democratic environment with political incorrectness to the fore. A problem has arisen of a very delicate nature, where it has been alleged that a newly employed secretary – who is extremely popular, hardworking and efficient – suffers from the dreaded BO. How on earth does one address this issue, if at all?M.W., Gillingham, Dorset A. To deal with this problem, you must recruit two volunteers without ego problems from within the office.

Dear Mary... Q. My husband's 87-year-old father is greatly enjoying the Iraq war. With an understandable sense of personal invulnerability, he has been sitting in his 'safe house' in Cornwall, watching virtually every news bulletin and revelling in 'the deep satisfaction of seeing rockets hitting their targets', et cetera. We are taking our children, aged 9, 11 and l3, to stay with him for Easter. The house is not particularly big, but he has told us that all normal decorum will be suspended for the duration of the war, so he will have the television on nonstop in the one small sitting-room. Since he is deaf, it will be blaring away. How can we avoid being subjected to this harrowing coverage, which will traumatise our children as well as sickening and boring us?

Dear Mary... Q. My parents-in-law have taken to dropping round uninvited. While I do not dislike them, they always seem to appear at an inconvenient time, when either the house is looking horribly dishevelled or I am. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with this and gets very offended when I mention it. How can I ensure that they come by invitation only? They're driving me mad!M.P., Colchester, Essex A. Teach yourself the yoga position 'the corpse'. Read a few paragraphs about the benefits of yoga. Then you will be well equipped to reply, when next they ask how you are, 'Really well. I've started doing yoga. It's very soothing, especially the corpse position where you turn off all the telephones and just lie really flat and relax every single muscle in your body by turn.

Dear Mary... Q. At a party the other day a friend of mine took a canapZ off a loaded plate that was being carried by someone she thought was one of the catering staff, only to realise, on account of the woman's astonished look, that she was a guest and the plate a private one, as it were. What should my friend have said?L.B., London W8 A. The normal response from the woman carrying the plate would have been to laugh pleasantly at the mistake and use it as an opening gambit in conversation. However, since the woman's body language was clearly giving off waitress signals, she might well have been suffering from low self-esteem, a condition which would only have been compounded by your friend's error.