Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. My parents own a house in Cornwall which they normally rent out at New Year for a huge sum of money. This year they very kindly allowed me to have it and to invite ten friends from uni. It all went really well and everyone had a brilliant time. My problem is that although my guests all thanked me — mostly orally, in some cases by texting — I am worried that none of them will get round to thanking my parents in writing. It may not even occur to them to do so. How can I tactfully remind them to get on with these bread-and-butter letters? My parents are old-fashioned about these things and my friends’ idleness would certainly impact on my opportunity to take the house again. S.G., Exeter A. Do not bother being tactful.

Dear Mary... Q. I have a huge crush on a man who works in the same building as I do, but on a different floor. He lives quite near me but, although I have bumped into him on the Tube from time to time and in the lobby of our building and he seems to find me not unattractive, he has made no attempt to see me outside work. I have a friend and ally who works on his floor and chats a lot to him. She says he definitely does not have a girlfriend and definitely is not gay. She says he is just shy. How can I push things forward, Mary?Name withheld, London E14 A. Put up an advert on the staff noticeboard offering something irresistible that your friend and ally has deduced, through chatting, that the man in question is in need of.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite members of the prominentii to submit queries for her consideration. From Toby YoungQ. I am a theatre critic currently appearing in a one-man show in the West End. Not surprisingly, several of my colleagues have been less than generous about my performance. One in particular, a man I’ve always had a very congenial relationship with, was absolutely vicious, saying he hoped I’d leave the country. When I resume my duties as a critic, I’ll inevitably bump into this man two or three times a week and I’m not sure how to behave. Should I just pretend I didn’t read his review and greet him in the normal manner? Or should I abandon all attempts to maintain friendly relations?A.

Dear Mary... Q. In Scotland the Celtic tradition favours the female line (hence hereditary titles passing to daughters in the absence of an immediate male heir). In my opinion it would therefore be entirely appropriate for G.C. (4 December) to wear his wife’s tartan at a reeling party, provided (as stated) it is worn with respect. Highland dress and Scottish country dancing make a colourful combination, but if your correspondent has further reservations I suggest he might consider acquiring a pair of tartan trews. Roddy Martine, Edinburgh A. There is logic in your argument. However, my straw poll of Scottish noblewomen with English husbands revealed that the majority would be horrified if their husbands dressed in a kilt.

Q. At 50, I was entitled to retirement which left me free to start an easier career and I got a job as a driver/valet to a young Saudi Arabian who owns a racing stud. I enjoy the work and we get on well. As is correct, I call him ‘Sir’ and he addresses me by my surname. Trouble is, so does his personal assistant, who is posh but a slip of a girl. She does so in front of my daughter, who is older than her. How can I get her to see that I resent her calling me by my surname without upsetting the applecart? Perhaps I sound petty and ridiculous, but you have no idea how it riles me; I suppose because it makes me feel inferior and reminds me of the change in status I should have come to terms with by now.G.M., Derbyshire A.

Dear Mary... Q. Last week I went to a private view of Craigie Aitchison’s new pictures. I have always been a fan of his and having had a windfall I was looking forward to purchasing one of his compositions. I asked a gallery assistant for a price list — a reasonable request, one might think, but her response was, ‘We don’t do price lists. However, if you were interested in a particular picture we might be able to help.’ I was left feeling snubbed and so pursued the matter no further. How should I have replied? Name and address withheld A. You could have pulled a sympathetic face and said, ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. Poor you, not having a price list. Do you find it puts a lot of buyers off?’ Q.

Dear Mary... Q. I don’t know whether you can help me but I thought it worth a try. About 15 years ago, I was charged, while on holiday in Australia, with a very minor offence which I felt was quite unjustified, and did not feel disposed to cancel my flight three days later and wait to appeal in court more than two weeks later. (I might also have lost my job, if I was three weeks’ late home.) I would now like to visit Australia again and am wondering if I will be turned back at the airport and/or charged with the original alleged offence and/or arraigned for skipping the country. I have recently been granted a visa to visit the country but this may not mean I won’t be arrested.

Dear Mary... Q. I have written a perfectly good book and would like to see it published. I have, however, given up sending it to conventional publishers. They are not interested and I know this is because I have lived happily in Norfolk for 20 years and can’t be bothered to go to London. The upshot is that I am no longer on the so-called scene. I thought I would never stoop to having a book vanity-published, but now I learn that Felix Dennis has done just that but, rather than using one of the embarrassing imprints, he apparently got Hutchinson to do it for him. Could I too, Mary, have a book published by Hutchinson, if I paid for it? T.B., Norfolk A.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I were recently delighted to receive what appeared at first glance to be an invitation to the wedding of the eldest son of friends. On closer examination we were less pleased to discover that the wedding is to take place in Las Vegas, and our participation is only requested in that we are invited to witness the event on the Internet. The bride and groom have included instructions on how to do this, and a link to the John Lewis website where they have a wedding present list to which we are encouraged to contribute. Am I an old fuddy-duddy in considering the entire thing insulting? My instinct is to send the couple another link to a page on my own website where they may see my ‘virtual’ present, which may be of a nice set of sheets or something.

Q. From time to time three friends and I have enjoyed an occasional game of mixed doubles. Over the past couple of years my tennis partner has seen rapid promotion in the publishing company in which she works and corresponding with her success at work we have noticed an uncharacteristic and growing display of aggression on court. Indeed, our friend’s net play has recently become so threatening that when her racket comes into contact with the tennis ball, the opposition now frequently turn their backs in the forlorn hope of avoiding the ball thundering over the net and causing serious bodily injury. The last straw occurred a couple of weeks ago when our female opponent narrowly avoided a visit from the emergency services (all the while maintaining her rictus smile).

Dear Mary... Q. As the father of two young daughters, I naturally want their upbringing to be as happy as possible and part of this, I understand, involves toys and dolls. However, my wife and I are forever being given our friends’ plastic cast-offs. We have reached the limit of plastic fruit, crockery, cutlery or Lego. Our little Fulham house increasingly resembles a municipal dump; my wife is constantly tidying up. How can I dissuade our ‘kind’ friends from off-loading their unwanted plastic on to us or buying yet more cheap birthday/Christmas presents that keep the girls occupied only for the time that it takes to rip open the paper? Books, clothes, shoes or donations to school fees, on the other hand, would be genuinely welcomed. Name withheld, London A.

Q. I am a lady d’un certain age. I am by repute convivial, kind, obliging and an excellent bridge player. Unfortunately I have introduced three very boring women to each other and they insist on playing very bad bridge with me. At the end of each afternoon they produce diaries to fix the next date. How can I avoid them without seeming rude? Name and address withheld A. I am delighted to be able to offer a life-enhancing solution to this problem. Charlie Hunter, of the recently launched London Bridge Club, with whom I have discussed it, informs me that potential new members are welcome to come to his club for free trial lessons.

Dear Mary... Q. My problem concerns the wording of an invitation. My husband will be 50 years old in January and we are giving a party for about 300 people. Without wishing to seem ungrateful, he actually is the man who has everything, and he dreads being given hundreds of new things he doesn’t want, to say nothing of having to write hundreds of thank-you letters for them. Yet we both think there is something a bit killjoy about having ‘No Presents’ on an invitation. What is the most tactful wording, Mary? Or should I let people bring the presents and just divide them between our staff later?Name withheld, Stockbridge, Hampshire A.

Q. My flatmate recently departed for a fortnight’s holiday, leaving behind several days’ worth of dirty plates. When I asked if he’d mind washing them up before going, he replied that he had no intention of doing so, because he knew I’d do them if he left them. In this he was, unfortunately, correct. I am infuriated by this calculated act of selfishness, but do not wish to aggravate the situation. How can I prick his conscience and force an apology for this unacceptable behaviour?T.M., London W5 A. Go away for a holiday or a weekend yourself, and generate a pile of dishes for your flatmate to clear up in your absence. Smile pleasantly as you leave, pointing out that you are only abiding by the ‘house rules’ he established himself.

Dear Mary... Q. I own a house in Cornwall which I rent out. This August it was taken by a couple who had a constantly changing retinue of guests each week they were there, and kept the cook and cleaner working around the clock. At the end of their four-week tenure, and having told me they had had a fantastic time, they moved out. Trouble is, they did not leave even a penny in tips for either the cook or the cleaner. Of course tips on top of wages are not obligatory, but they are the norm and the cleaner is a local woman whom I have only just been lucky enough to find and did not wish to disgruntle at this early stage. The cook, who is a friend of mine, told me that she and the cleaner both feel demoralised by the experience. There was not even a note of thanks for them.

Dear Mary... Q. Interrogatives like ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ are gauche and unhelpful. Likewise ‘What does your partner do?’ or, to a third party, ‘Is your friend attached?’ When, increasingly, the lack of a ring signifies nothing, even among the more mature, perhaps, Mary, you might offer a discreet means of establishing a person’s status. I.S.W., Inverclyde A. You can trick people into revealing their romantic status by asking if they play tennis or bridge. If they reply in the affirmative, say ‘Oh great — do you have a partner who plays too?’ If they say no, say, ‘Oh, what a shame. You don’t have a partner, as they say, who likes playing?

Q. Some time ago I introduced a friend of mine to a very distinguished journalist. Their friendship has clearly blossomed, because in a recent article the journalist glowingly described him as ‘the Essex historian and thinker’. My friend, for all his qualities, is a Toad of Toad Hall-like figure, both physically and mentally. The only recognisable part of the description is the word ‘Essex’; his only claim to being an historian is his ability to recite endless tedious lists of events and dates (focusing on those which show the French in a bad light), while his ‘thinking’ is confined to planning his next (gargantuan) lunch/dinner/cocktail or arranging his shooting calendar.

Dear Mary... Q. Last week I arrived to stay with some English friends near St Remy and was shown to a most delightful and certainly ‘best’ spare bedroom — with glorious views over the Camargue and beyond. You can imagine my astonishment when, on climbing into my luxurious bed later that night and folding the essential but always romantic mosquito net around the bed, a pair of extra-large men’s boxer shorts dropped on top of me. (I, incidentally, am a single woman and was travelling alone.) The pants had clearly been left behind by the guest immediately before me and had got muddled up in the mosquito net. My dilemma is twofold. I know the owner of the underpants to be a flamboyant picture dealer who has offices near mine in Jermyn Street.

Dear Mary... Q. Could you help with a problem that regular users of the ‘quiet’ carriages on trains are too often confronted with? How does one get compulsive talkers to shut up and observe the companionable silence which 95 per cent of the carriage’s occupants cherish? Users of mobile phones and personal stereos can legitimately be asked to absent themselves, but it is a moot point whether talking (even continual chatter at top volume) can be treated as a similar offence. On every journey recently we have been afflicted by people who talk for the duration without drawing breath, in voices that carry to the other end of the carriage. How can we persuade them to desist without resorting to violence?A First Great Western commuter A.

Q. I would welcome your advice. I called a friend on her mobile telephone to ask her for some information and, although she was driving, she answered the call. A vigilant police officer noticed that she was breaking the law and pulled her over to reprimand her and issue a £30 fine. She called me later to complain that I was the cause of her humiliation and implied that I should offer to pay her fine. I asked her why she had answered the call while she was driving, but this did not seem to cut any ice with her. How do I make peace? Name and address withheld A. There are two explanations for your friend’s illogical behaviour. The first, she has a low intelligence quotient. The second, she is nursing a secret grudge against you over another matter.