Mary Killen

Q. My problem is that an older friend, with whom I enjoy lengthy telephone chats, becomes furious when my call waiting service flashes up the number of one of my elusive children and I ask if I may put her on hold very briefly. She says it is rude to her, that I have spoilt my children, and ‘they’ll just have to wait’. My friend is not in touch with the frantic pace of the modern world and does not grasp that the child may not respond if I call back five minutes later, thus causing me anxiety. I value our conversations but we have reached an impasse. What should I do? — M.W., Pewsey, Wilts A. If you are on your mobile, say ‘Can I call you back from a landline?’ and vice versa if you’re already on a landline.

Q. In his Spectator notebook of 30 August, describing a recent gaudy at the Oxford college he attended in the l980s, Radek Sikorski asked, ‘Dear Mary, please help, what do you say when asked: “Do you remember goose-stepping in your jackboots across the Chapel Quad lawn at four in the morning?’’ Mary, may I press you for an answer?’ — L.P., London SW1 A. He might have best replied: ‘Nearly right. My goose-stepping — but your jackboots, surely?’ Q. I recently paid a fortune to a salon in Primrose Hill so that my ten-year-old daughter and I could be de-nitted.

Q. When someone gives you anti-ageing cream as a present, is that an insult or a compliment? — A.O., Provence A. It is both, but such creams make pointless presents. Cosmetics are all to do with suggestibility: for them to work, the user must be the one who has studied the spiel on the packaging and decided it seems plausible. Well-wishers should also consider that products with names like ‘emergency filler’, ‘intensive repair’ and ‘total elasticity loss rescue’ on daily display on a bathroom shelf can eventually depress an onlooker. Q. We have taken our children on holiday to the same beautiful cottage on the Cornish coast every year since they were born.

Q. My neighbour is really lovely and always helps me chainsaw trees. He used to be the herdsman at the farm but was laid off last summer when they sold the herd, so now he is unemployed. Friends from London often borrow my cottage when I am away and I am sure my neighbour would welcome £10 a time to collect them from the station. He is now being paid a small monthly amount to keep the garden in order for the new owners of the Big House but I don’t want to seem grand or patronising by asking if he would be interested in regular taxi work as well. —Name and address withheld A. Use a friend as a human buffer. Next time someone comes to stay, ring up the neighbour a couple of hours before to inquire whether he could possibly do you a favour by collecting them.

Q. We have taken a flat in Edinburgh for a month and a young girl, temporarily homeless and a friend of one of our sons, has moved in with us. We like her very much but the problem is that she goes into the (only) bathroom for more than one hour at a time, sometimes twice a day. It is so unbelievably selfish but my son doesn’t want to embarrass her by saying something. How should I deal with this without making her feel unwelcome? — M.G.C., Edinburgh A. Take the lock off the door. Say the landlord has been round and done it for some reason. She will not feel so secure in there with no lock. Meanwhile, instigate a new house rule.

Q. A scholarly book of great importance to me appears to have gone missing from my library. It was heavily annotated so it is irreplaceable. I lend books all the time and I have a strong feeling I have lent it to someone, but I just cannot remember to whom. I can remember the last time I saw it and have emailed all those who signed the visitors’ book since, asking whether by any chance they have borrowed it — but it seems that none of them has. I feel it would be a tad accusatory/Alzheimery to send a round robin to all friends and colleagues to ask whether they have by any chance been to my house in the last six months and borrowed it. — K.N.H., Oxford A. Instead, send a round robin email asking if anyone happens to have a copy of the book that you could buy.

Q. How, in a party context, can one avoid answering what used to be called ‘nosey’ questions without being rude? A revered friend counts among his intimates a priest who, when I met him for the first time, took me aside and posed the question, ‘Do you love your husband?’ Clearly the enquiry was benignly intentioned, but I was not seeking marital or any other sort of priestly guidance. Moreover the answer was neither yes nor no and consequently I felt obliged, as the priest beamed owlishly at me, to embark on a lengthy account of how irritating my husband (who wasn’t present) had recently been but how the bitterness would likely recede and therefore his long-term prospects as a permanent partner looked generally favourable.

Q. I agreed to give (paid) gap-year work experience in my own large garden to the grandson of an extremely nice neighbour. I need the assistance and, in theory, a willing and able novice could learn a lot from me. The boy is due to start soon but now I’ve heard from someone who’s been in close daily contact with him that during his recent study leave for A levels, he was rarely seen off a sun lounger, where he was not even reading but was glued to an iPhone or some gaming device and constantly yawning. I don’t want to fall out with my lovely neighbour but nor do I have the time to waste on a slacker when there are plenty of hard workers out there. How should I tackle this? — F.B., Twickenham A.

Q. My dear English husband has never mastered the knack of timing his interventions in conversation. He hesitates politely, and by the time somebody pauses, his comments are no longer to the point so he shuts up. After 45 years I always know when there’s something he wants to say, and it’s become a sort of party turn that I butt in and call for order for the next speaker — which doesn’t reflect well on either of us. Any ideas, Mary? Should he signal, for example by raising his right forefinger, the hand resting on the dinner table? — B.D., Frankfurt A. This gesture is too puny to halt the egotists holding forth.

Q. An architect is overseeing some builders at my house. She is a perfectly nice woman but has a maddening habit of lowering and fluttering her eyelids when talking to me. I like to be able to look into someone’s eyes when discussing important details about permanent changes to my house but it seems rude to ask her to stop, even though I know she can, since she does not do it when talking to the bricklayers or carpenters. How should I tackle this? — M.W., Gatwick A. This body language suggests the architect finds you maddening and prefers to shield her vision when talking to you. Sidestep the problem by standing next to her, rather than opposite, during discussions. Meanwhile issue a subtle reprimand by constantly asking her to look up at things, e.g.

Q. My sister and I own a popular caravan park which, for 30 years, has given happiness to around a hundred caravan owners a week. Over the past three years, however, our small profit has turned into a loss due to the craze for wet wipes, by which I mean facial cleansing wipes and baby wipes. They block the drains and cost us £7,000 every five months in cesspit rebuilding costs. No amount of pleading to the punters not to put them down the loos has any effect. As a consequence we are going to have to close the park unless, Mary, you can think of a solution? — Name and address withheld A.