Mary Killen

Q. It is difficult to know what to do when homeless people ask you for cash as you are leaving a supermarket all laden down, so may I pass on a tip to readers? Instead of claiming not to have any cash or appearing uncaring by refusing to give any (and sometimes feeling intimidated), help out the homeless person by purchasing hot meal vouchers from a local charity. In Bath where I live there is one such called the Genesis Trust — the vouchers cost 50p each.— S.G.B., Bath A. Thank you for submitting this tip. It is useful, but of course you would have to stock up in advance. A voucher for the particular supermarket the needful person is outside would deliver more immediate results. Perhaps you could buy one/some at the till and distribute when, laden down, you leave.

Q. Friends and I keep in touch and share our more memorable experiences on Facebook. One friend is an elderly woman who makes comments on our posts that are intended to demonstrate her wit and erudition but which never fail to come across as banal and irritating attempts at point scoring. She is delightful company in person and we have no wish to lose her friendship. How can we encourage her to stop her puerile comments without giving serious offence? — R.P., London W1 A. Poignantly, your elderly friend may be using Facebook to signal that she still has her wits about her. But, of course, one of the first signs of dementia is that the inhibitory synapses go and long repressed grievances start to be freely expressed.

Q. I have lost many friends and acquaintances by discussing Brexit and finding fundamental differences of opinion. Recently I have had to limit supper party invitees according to their point of view to avoid heated disagreements (and more) over the table. Have you some advice for opinionated friends, and indeed the whole country, on such social divisions please? — Name and address withheld A. Dinner parties have become a problem in their own right. The inevitable topic will come up. No one will change their minds and bitterness will only be exacerbated. Much better during the current emergency to give drinks parties only, with substantial snacks lying around. Tell guests they will probably not need to go out to dinner afterwards.

Q. One of the members of our book club is particularly nosy and gossipy. I like this woman, but when it was my turn to host I had the lunch in our barn to pre-empt her snooping in the house. As soon as the barn loo was occupied, however, she began squirming and told us all she was desperate for the loo herself and couldn’t wait. Would I mind if she popped into the house? She took about ten minutes to come back (and she had her mobile with her, no doubt taking pictures). I was very cross with myself for having fallen for this trap. But how could I have said no? — Name and address withheld A. On these occasions it is useful to decide to tackle your moth problem (we all have them now) just before the guests arrive, using a smoking-out killer from Pest Control Direct.

Q. A friend of 30 years moved abroad three years ago. He then was diagnosed with throat cancer but mercifully has now had the all-clear. During his treatment I wrote several supportive emails. In March my sister had a massive stroke and, since her daughters both live abroad, the bulk of support for her fell to me. Since I have had another sister living in a home since 2005, I am understandably feeling rather overwhelmed. I mentioned this to my friend on the back of his jubilant ‘all-clear’ email two months ago and have had no response. I do think it rather odd. Should I make my disappointment known? — Name withheld, London A. First, don’t assume disappointment is in order. Perhaps he didn’t read your email all the way through.

Q. My mother died a few months ago. Her collection of colourful clothes, hats, shoes and an immense amount of costume jewellery was donated to various charity shops in nearby Devizes. Consequently, I now see a diverse range of ladies wearing one of my mother’s ‘little numbers’. If I bump into a friend festooned in these purchases, what is the right compliment to make? — N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts A. Say nothing. Part of the joy of vintage clothing is the mystery of its provenance. The buyer can fantasise — surely it must have cost a fortune originally! It’s so chic it might even have belonged to Catherine Deneuve? Or Coco Chanel herself? Don’t let daylight in on magic.

Q. A delightful but disorganised friend has invited several of our circle for a weekend at his family’s beautiful country home, having hosted a similar group last year. I have received all the particulars and accepted with pleasure. However, I know of another friend (in last year’s group) to whom the host mentioned the possibility of this year’s reprise, but she has not had full details. How can I delicately figure out if this is an oversight or deliberate? — Name and address withheld A. Ring the host and mention that you are thinking of asking for a lift with this friend but don’t want to put your foot in it if she hasn’t been asked. At this point the host will say that, sadly, for whatever reason, he hasn’t asked her this year.

Q. Was I right to feel aggrieved when, having contributed a bottle of fine champagne to a small supper party, I clocked the host stashing it away, only to serve something far inferior? Commenting would have been naff, but had I known that was this gentleman’s style, I wouldn’t have taken such a nice bottle. What is the correct form? — M.R., Tibenham, Norfolk A. Grander hosts do not welcome contributions of alcohol but, at such an intimate event in Norfolk, your host should have served the champagne. (I assume you arrived with it chilled.) Perhaps he felt you were upstaging him by bringing something of higher quality than he had proposed offering.

Q. I am a disabled man with a good brain and an independent bent. However, I need help to wash and dress, morning and night. My private carer is excellent in every way but one. He’s experienced, willing, caring, utterly reliable and trustworthy — but he’s also bossy and controlling. He insists on staying for coffee with me, lingers longer than he needs to, passes comment on my life and wants to be my close friend. I find this oppressive. How can I tactfully manage it? — Name and address withheld A. Solve this problem by adding to your carer’s workload. Why not adopt, from a rescue home, a three-legged, ten-year-old labrador or similar, which will also need a bit of attention and exercise? This will at least distract your carer.

Q. I was invited to birthday drinks in London. On my way there the name of someone I haven’t heard from for months flashed up on my mobile. My instinct was not to answer — I’d heard the host of the party had gone off this woman and thought it best not to answer in case the woman asked what I was doing that night. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings if she’d been excluded. Nor did I want to lie. However, on arrival at the party my host told me that all was now well between him and her and she’d been invited but couldn’t come. When I rang her the next day, she said she’d been calling to say she was sorry she wouldn’t be seeing me that night. Mary, how could I have handled this better? — Name and address withheld A.

Q. A university friend and I want to get an invitation to a very good shoot owned by a colleague of my father. To this end we thought we could make better friends by inviting him to my club for lunch or dinner. This club is the sort of stuffy, traditional place he would approve of. I was only able to become a member because they had a special five-year deal for people who joined it the year they left school. The problem is that, as the member, I am the only one allowed to pay. How can I make sure that my friend, who is vague and disorganised, pays me back his share of the bill? — Name and address withheld A. Tell your friend that you’ve been told the club has a special offer on the day/night in question.

Q. Like many of his profession, Manolo, my most-proficient masseur, has the gift of the gab and maintains a garrulous monologue throughout my weekly session. This would be all right if he did not constantly break off from his pummelling to make a point — or just spout. Often (I’ve checked with his clock) his pauses to elaborate on an anonymous patient’s therapy can add up to 15 minutes of my 45-minute session, which is disconcerting, as massage is costly. How can I halt Manolo’s volubility without using words which might offend or affect the efficacy of his work? (Pretending to meditate is out of the question as my collaboration is needed: ‘Turn on to your back,’ etc.) — T. D., Majorca A.

Q. I am not a professional writer but on the strength of a short piece I contributed to a Festschrift have been asked to extend this to a 5,000-word memoir. I had no idea how difficult I would find it to do this work outside of the office context in which I normally operate. I can’t seem to crack this challenge. It’s not that I find I can’t write. My problem is that I can’t start. Every day I find a reason to procrastinate. What do you suggest? —Name and address withheld A. Ask one of your most ruthless and greedy friends to help you out. Send him a cheque for a substantial sum and make the agreement that you will email him 500 words a day every day for ten days by 5 p.m. at the latest and if ever you fail to do so he can cash the cheque.

Q. We sent out email invitations to our drinks party and have had too many acceptances. The venue has said that due to fire regulations we will have to reduce numbers by 20 people. What should we do? — T.L., Wantage, Oxon A. Email again, explaining the issue and asking for 20 volunteers to identify themselves as willing to attend a second drinks party on another specified date. Say the first 20 to reply will win places. You will find you are inundated, since people of your age group don’t like crowded rooms as they can’t hear anything. All the deaf friends will come forward immediately and the problem will be sorted. Q. I have recently married a non-confrontational man whose barber has been giving him the same over-severe short back and sides for 20 years.

Q. A woman I’ve known for years is getting divorced and rings me every day to talk about it. I have closer friends with ongoing problems and, though I do care, I don’t have the emotional energy or time to deal with her problem as well. I work and she never has, so she can’t really understand how tired I am. Your advice? — Name and address withheld A. Confide that you are finding it difficult, both at work and at home, to talk on the telephone without being overheard. Explain that this is inhibiting your ability to empathise and strategise with her. Suggest that instead she begins to communicate her feelings to you by daily email. In this way you can give her situation your undivided attention and email back your considered responses.

Q. I belong to a religious congregation whose minister is politically minded. Every time I attend a service, I am forced to sit through a sermon which is bound to contain at least one reference to UK politics, unashamedly biased. The last time, at least half the sermon amounted to a political diatribe. Worse, it elicited a round of applause. Mary, what can I do? I do not want to worship elsewhere, but if this person cannot stop making partisan political speeches, thereby cheating us of a religious sermon, they should give up their position and launch themselves in politics. — Name and address withheld A. Why not encourage a friend, not of your parish, to attend the church one week in your company.

Q. My wife’s closest friend and her husband visit us every couple of months or so. Without fail he will make lewd comments and is not even deterred in public places, where he will speak loudly so that others will hear what he considers to be witty ‘end of the pier’ humour. He is never funny. We don’t laugh at him and try to stifle our embarrassment by completely blanking him. However, his wife appears unshaken and makes excuses for him. We can only assume that she has failed to reform him and minimises his pathetic behaviour by glossing over it. It would be a relief if we never saw him again, but my wife does not want to lose her best friend. What should we do? — Name and address withheld A.

Q. When my mother was widowed ten years ago she decided to take in lodgers to pay the gardener’s bills and other outgoings of the large family house she had lived in for nearly 40 years. This was a great success, not least because it provided company at what was initially a very difficult time. My mother is charming, and some of these lodgers became rather attached to her. Now her financial situation has changed and she no longer takes lodgers but many of the former incumbents like to keep in regular contact and are in the habit of turning up unannounced, often with large families in tow. I suppose it is a tribute to my mother that they arrive in full confidence that she will be fascinated by their news, will want to provide them with tea and conduct a tour of the gardens.

Q. I run a very small mail-order company from home. Recently I received an exceptionally rude email from a disgruntled customer. On discovering that the problems arising were her own fault, I sent a polite email proving this. Her response was even ruder. I know this woman socially and she obviously doesn’t realise I am the owner of the company. She would be mortified to realise I know about this ‘fishwife’ side of her character, but of course she inevitably will find out if she continues to escalate things. I would not want to humiliate her so how should I handle this? — Name and address withheld A. Write to her at her home address and mark the envelope ‘confidential’.