Mary Killen

Q. As a young woman I tend not to wear that much to social events in the evening, but I find that in London the best conversations — and the best connections — invariably happen outside the party with the smokers. I don’t even smoke myself, but if anyone invites me to join them outside I always take them up on it. The problem is that I become freezing, almost blue with cold, after just a few minutes, yet getting my coat out of the cloakroom each time isn’t going to happen when I want to appear casual. What do you advise, Mary? — M.M., London W11 A. Haven’t you ever wondered how partying women in Geordie-land manage to trot along the freezing night-time streets in only a few ounces of clothing?

From Dame Joan Collins Q. Invariably, when I escape to the ladies’ room or powder room or restroom (whatever the current politically correct term for this place is), I am asked for a ‘selfie’, and the request usually comes while I’m washing my hands or powdering my nose. What is the correct way to handle this awkward situation? My gut feeling is to say, ‘F*** off, you’re invading my space’ — but perhaps this would offend? A. Yes it would offend, and dismay, although of course the selfie-seekers have been offensive first. They mean no harm but, because nothing panics a fan like propinquity to a star they will probably never again have such intimate access to, normal protocols go by the board.

Q. My son has a girlfriend who we like but who has appalling table manners. They come to stay most weekends and I really find it painful to sit at a table with her and cannot understand how my son can put up with it. What would you advise, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Next time they come to dinner, invite the family of a small child to eat with you and conspire with the parents to keep telling the child off for speaking with its mouth full, leaning on the table or any other infractions. In this way, you can give a proxy lecture on how his or her future will be predicated on the quality of her table manners. Meanwhile your son’s girlfriend will be invited to take part in the discussion and give her own views.

Q. One of my very best female friends has got into the habit of lecturing me on gender equality, in a manner that sometimes borders on aggressive. Now, I identify as a feminist man, and understand the need for healthy debate. However, her hypocrisy is irksome and hard to overlook (I’m still expected to buy drinks, dinner etc, even in a platonic relationship). This is coupled with the fact that she consistently reports back to having not offered to pay when out with male suitors. Any advice on how to breach the topic? Not least to save my wallet… — E.C., London A. Confide your confusion to another female (not known to the one you write about). Ask her to help you solve the mystery once and for all.

Q. A friend, who is very careful with his money, occasionally invites a group of six to eight out to lunch. At one such gathering, as we were reading the menus, he announced that he and his wife would just be having an omelette. A palpable silence ensued while all present tried to work out the implications of this statement. Unfortunately I was the first to be asked what I would like to order. I asked for what I wanted and everyone else followed suit. What else should I have done? — Name and address withheld A. Having been invited to lunch, not to an omelette, the implication was that you could order freely. On the other hand, some of the very best (and best-off) people find parting with money painful and we wouldn’t want to cause them pain.

Q. A friend of a friend has an apartment in Venice. I would like to commiserate with her about the catastrophic floods when I see her shortly at a Christmas drinks party, but I don’t want to depress her by bringing this up at what’s meant to be a celebratory occasion and forcing her to think and talk about what damage must have been done to her property. Yet I can’t not mention it because that would make it seem like I think so little about her that I have forgotten she has an apartment there. What is the most tactful thing to say, Mary? — M.W., London W11 A. You are right to be cautious. There is such a thing as the wrong sort of sympathy, the sort that strays into schadenfreude territory. So stay upbeat to prevent her from feeling like a victim.

Q. I sent a WhatsApp message to a Lib Dem friend of 15 years. ‘How are you finding being a Lib Dem? I must say a £50 billion Remain dividend would be rather nice — perhaps something to put on the side of a bus so I can prosecute your leader when it never happens! Clearly, Boris is the only contender for PM.’ This message was intended to be provocatively humorous and I expected a witty and combative reply in return. Instead she has told me she can’t understand why I would ‘swipe’ at her like this. Should I try to explain that I was joking, or accept she is now so woke that she has lost all sense of irony and just leave the relationship to wither? — S.F., London WC1 A.

Q. Dad takes an old-fashioned approach to marriage: I have never seen him clear his plate and he does not know what’s in the kitchen cupboards. He also enjoys the benefits of a modern wife: my mother has worked (much) harder than him in their business for a long time and takes a lot of responsibility off him, although his name is on everything. There is no question of their love for each other but today, in the middle of discussing an important and stressful matter, he cut her off with ‘I’ll have my lunch when you’re ready’. Anything he doesn’t want to discuss is curtailed with ‘Can I have a cup of tea, please?’ in a tone one might use to remind a junior of her place. How should she respond?

Q. My brilliant brother, who graduated last year, could find nowhere to live in London so we were all delighted when he found work as a live-in assistant to an interesting (and successful) employer who works from home. My brother is super-efficient and lovely to have around and I’ve no doubt that he’s made himself invaluable, but I am worried that at the same time he seems to be losing his own self-confidence outside of the job. There are many minor examples which suggest to me that his employer may (perhaps unintentionally) be undermining him — maybe so he can hang on to my brother and ensure he is not poached by either a girlfriend or rival employer. How can I tactfully raise this suggestion with my brother, who is now acting like a cult member?

Q. I’ve been having friends to supper for many decades. Although I say it myself, these gatherings have often been hugely successful, with lots of laughter, people making new friends and guests regularly staying beyond 1 a.m. When Brexit started it was OK because talk of it didn’t dominate the evening. It now does. Last week I told my guests the subject was banned. They looked thrown but we went on to have an enjoyable evening. On the other hand I am also wondering, is it my duty — as someone with a venue and a good network of friends — to allow my guests to hold forth at this time of what some might call a National Emergency? — R.G., London W8 A. You are right to have banned it.

Q. I sing soprano in a small church choir, ten to 12 singers. The woman I am placed next to sings all of her high notes horribly flat, and I find it challenging to stay in tune myself. I have thought of moving but the choir is so small that such a manoeuvre would be pointed and in any case another soprano has beaten me to that strategy. My husband says the problem can be addressed only by the new choir director (who so far has done nothing) and I must remain silent. Your thoughts? — C.E., California A. Why not put an earplug in only one ear? Or find a way, while chatting casually to both soprano and choirmaster, to suggest that as she has such a good lower register, has she thought of singing alto?

Q. My sister runs a yoga school and a middle-aged gentleman has joined. Although she is delighted to encourage male membership in a very female-dominated session, his male membership tends to make appearances throughout the lesson due to the looseness of the shorts he wears. In her position at the front teaching, my sister is the only one exposed to these displays and there is little hard evidence that this is anything other than a gentleman enjoying the free-flowing nature of the class. However it can put her off. How would you cover this? — W.C., address withheld A. Benign (i.e. incognisant) flashing is a recurrent theme in Dear Mary’s mailbag. It is most widespread among male pyjama-wearers within house parties.

Q. For many years I employed around 60 people with whom I worked in an open-plan office. I moved on from this role, but in my social life I often come across some of these former colleagues and although I can vividly remember my sentiments towards them, I sometimes cannot put a name to their faces. This facial amnesia is no reflection of the degree of respect or fondness I feel towards them, but nevertheless it looks and feels bad that I cannot remember their name immediately. It is especially difficult when someone else joins our conversation because of course I cannot introduce them. As soon as I have the name everything falls into place. What do you recommend, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Download the link to an interesting new podcast before you go socialising.

Q. Every three months or so my PA blossoms into a great beauty for a couple of weeks, then has a savagely short haircut. My wife agrees that the almost shaven-headed look is unflattering, but thinks the problem lies with her young peer group, many of whom work in fashion. She is not the sort of colleague to accuse me of harassment, but I cannot think of a tactful way of telling her, without seeming as though I am spending too much time thinking about her looks. — Name and address withheld A. Do nothing. It is a pity for your PA not to make the best of herself but it is much better for you that she should not be distractingly attractive. Q.

Q. The other day a dear friend rang from her car with all the time in the world to burn as she crawled along the Hammersmith flyover. I was at my desk working, as I politely told her. Now she has described me as unfriendly. How can one appropriately deal with the frequent asymmetry on the leisure-work spectrum of two interlocutors as a result of the use of the mobile when walking or in a car or train? — O.R., London SW1 A. The busy one should say: ‘How lovely to hear from you. Can I ring you back later when I’m alone?’ The suggestion that there is someone else in the background will be enough to dispel any paranoia in the time-waster about an unfriendly tone of voice. Q. I have noticed that more people who come to visit ask if they have to take their shoes off.

Q. We often have friends coming to stay before (and after) we all head off for Glyndebourne, a 20-minute drive away. What is the etiquette governing who should drive? It has drinking ramifications of course. Then, what is the etiquette of the seating plan in the car? — A.W., Lindfield, Sussex A. Assertive forward-planning is called for. Communicate to your guests that you are looking forward to seeing them, beds are made up, flowers in the room, etc. And will they want to drink at Glyndebourne? No problem. But you are just planning ahead and if it turns out everyone wants to drink then you will have to draw straws before setting off. Sobriety could impede enjoyment for many, so at this point guests need to say if they don’t want to be balloted into the draw.