Mary Killen

Q. I sent a WhatsApp message to a Lib Dem friend of 15 years. ‘How are you finding being a Lib Dem? I must say a £50 billion Remain dividend would be rather nice — perhaps something to put on the side of a bus so I can prosecute your leader when it never happens! Clearly, Boris is the only contender for PM.’ This message was intended to be provocatively humorous and I expected a witty and combative reply in return. Instead she has told me she can’t understand why I would ‘swipe’ at her like this. Should I try to explain that I was joking, or accept she is now so woke that she has lost all sense of irony and just leave the relationship to wither? — S.F., London WC1 A.

Q. Dad takes an old-fashioned approach to marriage: I have never seen him clear his plate and he does not know what’s in the kitchen cupboards. He also enjoys the benefits of a modern wife: my mother has worked (much) harder than him in their business for a long time and takes a lot of responsibility off him, although his name is on everything. There is no question of their love for each other but today, in the middle of discussing an important and stressful matter, he cut her off with ‘I’ll have my lunch when you’re ready’. Anything he doesn’t want to discuss is curtailed with ‘Can I have a cup of tea, please?’ in a tone one might use to remind a junior of her place. How should she respond?

Q. My brilliant brother, who graduated last year, could find nowhere to live in London so we were all delighted when he found work as a live-in assistant to an interesting (and successful) employer who works from home. My brother is super-efficient and lovely to have around and I’ve no doubt that he’s made himself invaluable, but I am worried that at the same time he seems to be losing his own self-confidence outside of the job. There are many minor examples which suggest to me that his employer may (perhaps unintentionally) be undermining him — maybe so he can hang on to my brother and ensure he is not poached by either a girlfriend or rival employer. How can I tactfully raise this suggestion with my brother, who is now acting like a cult member?

Q. I’ve been having friends to supper for many decades. Although I say it myself, these gatherings have often been hugely successful, with lots of laughter, people making new friends and guests regularly staying beyond 1 a.m. When Brexit started it was OK because talk of it didn’t dominate the evening. It now does. Last week I told my guests the subject was banned. They looked thrown but we went on to have an enjoyable evening. On the other hand I am also wondering, is it my duty — as someone with a venue and a good network of friends — to allow my guests to hold forth at this time of what some might call a National Emergency? — R.G., London W8 A. You are right to have banned it.

Q. I sing soprano in a small church choir, ten to 12 singers. The woman I am placed next to sings all of her high notes horribly flat, and I find it challenging to stay in tune myself. I have thought of moving but the choir is so small that such a manoeuvre would be pointed and in any case another soprano has beaten me to that strategy. My husband says the problem can be addressed only by the new choir director (who so far has done nothing) and I must remain silent. Your thoughts? — C.E., California A. Why not put an earplug in only one ear? Or find a way, while chatting casually to both soprano and choirmaster, to suggest that as she has such a good lower register, has she thought of singing alto?

Q. My sister runs a yoga school and a middle-aged gentleman has joined. Although she is delighted to encourage male membership in a very female-dominated session, his male membership tends to make appearances throughout the lesson due to the looseness of the shorts he wears. In her position at the front teaching, my sister is the only one exposed to these displays and there is little hard evidence that this is anything other than a gentleman enjoying the free-flowing nature of the class. However it can put her off. How would you cover this? — W.C., address withheld A. Benign (i.e. incognisant) flashing is a recurrent theme in Dear Mary’s mailbag. It is most widespread among male pyjama-wearers within house parties.

Q. For many years I employed around 60 people with whom I worked in an open-plan office. I moved on from this role, but in my social life I often come across some of these former colleagues and although I can vividly remember my sentiments towards them, I sometimes cannot put a name to their faces. This facial amnesia is no reflection of the degree of respect or fondness I feel towards them, but nevertheless it looks and feels bad that I cannot remember their name immediately. It is especially difficult when someone else joins our conversation because of course I cannot introduce them. As soon as I have the name everything falls into place. What do you recommend, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Download the link to an interesting new podcast before you go socialising.

Q. Every three months or so my PA blossoms into a great beauty for a couple of weeks, then has a savagely short haircut. My wife agrees that the almost shaven-headed look is unflattering, but thinks the problem lies with her young peer group, many of whom work in fashion. She is not the sort of colleague to accuse me of harassment, but I cannot think of a tactful way of telling her, without seeming as though I am spending too much time thinking about her looks. — Name and address withheld A. Do nothing. It is a pity for your PA not to make the best of herself but it is much better for you that she should not be distractingly attractive. Q.

Q. The other day a dear friend rang from her car with all the time in the world to burn as she crawled along the Hammersmith flyover. I was at my desk working, as I politely told her. Now she has described me as unfriendly. How can one appropriately deal with the frequent asymmetry on the leisure-work spectrum of two interlocutors as a result of the use of the mobile when walking or in a car or train? — O.R., London SW1 A. The busy one should say: ‘How lovely to hear from you. Can I ring you back later when I’m alone?’ The suggestion that there is someone else in the background will be enough to dispel any paranoia in the time-waster about an unfriendly tone of voice. Q. I have noticed that more people who come to visit ask if they have to take their shoes off.

Q. We often have friends coming to stay before (and after) we all head off for Glyndebourne, a 20-minute drive away. What is the etiquette governing who should drive? It has drinking ramifications of course. Then, what is the etiquette of the seating plan in the car? — A.W., Lindfield, Sussex A. Assertive forward-planning is called for. Communicate to your guests that you are looking forward to seeing them, beds are made up, flowers in the room, etc. And will they want to drink at Glyndebourne? No problem. But you are just planning ahead and if it turns out everyone wants to drink then you will have to draw straws before setting off. Sobriety could impede enjoyment for many, so at this point guests need to say if they don’t want to be balloted into the draw.

Q. We have near neighbours in the country with whom I would not wish to fall out for all sorts of reasons. But they are disorganised and this is testing my husband’s (and my) patience. Whenever we go to supper with them we arrive at about 8 p.m. as requested but don’t usually sit down to eat till around 10 p.m. By this time we, like all the other guests, are stuffed with crisps, drunk and irritable and have run out of small talk. (I have tried asking if I can help in the kitchen and they always say no, everything is under control.) They are not the sort of people you can tease or be benignly bossy with. It’s difficult enough to get my husband to accept an invitation and I fear he will just refuse to go to them again. — Name and address withheld A.

Q. I have happily overcome many moments of diplomatic and social challenge, but was stumped by the case of the licked cutlery. What does one do when one’s distinguished hostess asks to taste your soup, only to return your spoon smeared after more than a delicate sip? In a choice between not implying she has germs or benefiting from the attention of a waiter, do you use it or lose it? — A.D., London SW1 A. This is a tricky question, particularly as the hostess may have sought subconsciously to confer a degree of intimacy or friendship (albeit unreciprocated) by the sharing of the spoon. The answer is to divert the phobia on to yourself as the germ supplier.

Q. What is your view on emailed vs handwritten thank-yous? During my recent travels around pre-Brexit Europe I stayed in a dreamy house in the south of France. It was a little taste of paradise. Our host was Anglo-Scots but, since she is highly peripatetic, I asked her to which address I should send my thank-you letter. She replied: ‘Just email me.’ Surely this can’t be right, Mary? This was more than a chatty house party. On the other hand, my host is now travelling around pre-Brexit Europe herself and it may be some months till she gets back to either of her UK bases. Every day that I don’t send an email I seem ever ruder, yet to me it seems equally rude to use email for something so personal. What is your view? — Name and address withheld A.