Godfrey Elfwick

An open letter to Donald Trump from Godfrey Elfwick

From our US edition

Hello Mr Trump, After reading Uri Geller’s Facebook post urging Theresa May to cancel Brexit or face his mental wrath, I have been spending the past three days learning to harness the power of my mind in order to deal you a devastating psychic blow. Make no mistake about my dedication to this, in order to prepare myself I have read the following books: Uri Geller’s Little Book of Mind Power, Discover How to Develop Your Hidden Powers by Derek Acorah, and Carrie by Stephen King. I also watched The Craft and a David Blaine DVD one of my friends had acquired from a charity shop for 30p, during which, the plastic spoon I was using to eat my yoghurt definitely bent slightly. I think this adequately demonstrates to you the potential of my powers.

godfrey elfwick uri geller open letter

White men: Captain Marvel is not for you

From our US edition

Captain Marvel is a triumph. Finally, we have a female superhero! This is progress. This is new. This is fresh. This is terrifying men all over the planet. Not since Ghostbusters 2016 has a movie featured such a strong female lead. I literally cannot think of ONE other comic book-based movie which has a woman in the title role. I wonder why this is? Oh, I know, it’s because Hollywood hates women. The star of the movie, Brie Larson is also a superhero in real life. She bravely spoke out about the negative reviews A Wrinkly Time received, stating that too many white men had seen it. Now, as a black woman, I watched that film with tears in my eyes.

godfrey elfwick captain marvel

LEAVE TITANIA MCGRATH ALONE

From our US edition

Over the weekend, there was much speculation as to the ‘true identity’ of Titania McGrath. This was a blatant attempt to silence the second most important voice of our generation. The Times of London published two articles with the sole purpose of making its readership believe that Titania is a parody. A satirical Twitter account, created to poke fun at woke politics. What a ridiculous accusation! How many Russian bots did it take to come up with that bizarre conspiracy theory? Also, who is funding The Times in order for them to go along with this charade? George Soros? Alex Jones? Donald Trump? I mean, it’s tinfoil hat stuff the like of which I have not seen since a group of fascists attempted to out me as a parody last year.

titania mcgrath godfrey elfwick

Calm down! Your freedom of speech is not under threat

From our US edition

In the UK, leading far-right figure Tommy Robinson Yaxley Lennon has had his Paypal closed down, his Twitter account banned and, most recently, his Instagram and Facebook accounts removed. Very much like in the US last year when probable white supremacist Alex Jones had his Twitter, Facebook and YouTube shut down, or when Facebook did a cull of almost 600 US political pages before the 2018 midterm elections. As usual, the tinfoil hat-wearing alt-right Nazis are crying out that free speech is under threat. This ridiculous overreaction always makes me laugh. These people have no idea what free speech is. They assume that freedom of speech means you are free to say whatever you want without severe consequences! Imagine that?!

free speech

I am holding an open audition for my attackers

From our US edition

Jussie Smollett told authorities he was attacked on January 29 by two men who were ‘yelling out racial and homophobic slurs.’ He went on to claim that one attacker had put a noose around his neck and poured an unknown chemical substance on him. Since this was first reported, so-called ‘evidence’ has emerged to suggest that the attack was possibly staged, with Smollett knowing his ‘attackers’ before the event, and that he even went so far as to pay them. Now, the drama surrounding this seems a complex one, but it’s really very simple. Even if he did stage the attack himself, it’s still valid. Jussie Smollett is a busy man. He does not have time to wait around idly for genuine homophobic racists to jump him in the street.

godfrey elfwick empire jussie smollett attackers

The life of a transblack genderqueer Muslim atheist at 27

From our US edition

Like the rest of the world, I was utterly disgusted at this week’s Esquire article which focused on the life of a 17-year-old white American boy. The front cover of their magazine featured this odious creature, his face contorted into an alt-right smirk. It’s obvious from his expression: he is perfectly content in openly mocking minorities while stubbornly refusing to check his privilege, and no doubt playing racist games on his mobile phone while day-dreaming about joining the KKK. [caption id="attachment_10406845" align="alignnone" width="800"] This white boy’s sickly and pallid grin made me feel nauseous[/caption] What made this front cover article even more despicable, is that it was released during Black History Month.

transblack esquire

Contempt for Liam Neeson has ‘Taken’ its toll on me

From our US edition

I’m so exhausted. I’ve spent the past three days stalking the streets of York with a bike lock, blinded by rage, looking for Liam Neeson. On Wednesday night however, a friend pointed out to me that Liam Neeson actually lives in NEW York which is apparently in America, and so my lust for revenge was thankfully brought into sharp focus. In a horrifying interview on Monday, Neeson spoke about a time in his past when for no reason at all he became so racist, he wanted to kill all black people. Going so far as to drive around Ireland in a big tank for several months, with the aim of ruthlessly mowing down every PoC he saw. Thankfully, we are going back many years when there were very few black people in Ireland and so his evil plan was scuppered.

liam neeson godfrey elfwick

We need to talk about problematic Hollywood

From our US edition

This week the New York Times published an article which was long overdue, illustrating the obvious racism featured in the original Mary Poppins movie. (Something which, incidentally, Titania McGrath had already flagged up in a tweet last September: I remember watching that scene as a child one Christmas, and even at the tender age of four, a woman putting coal on her face instantly reminded me of the black and white minstrel show which I would read about 14 years later when studying for my Bachelor’s Degree in Human Rights and Social Justice (Hons). This, coupled with the cultural appropriation of Dick Van Dyke putting on a West Indian accent throughout the entire film utterly nauseated me.

hollywood mary poppins godfrey elfwick

Smirking, the infamous facial expression of the far-right

From our US edition

The students of Covington High School, Ky., were the subject of a recent viral video which shocked me to my very core. Everything about this encounter triggered me. Their obvious disrespect of a proud Native American as he bravely made his way towards this group of vile, contemptuous MAGA hat-wearing teenage boys, banging his Ceremonial Drum of Peace and chanting a mystical tribal incantation (presumably in order to ward off the sickening Aura of Trumpism) disturbed me so greatly that I actually did a small vomiting. The final straw came when the courageous Native American Vietnam veteran came to a stop and peacefully hammered on his drum directly into a young boy’s disgustingly smug face. What did this hateful Apostle of Trump do?

godfrey elfwick smirk

An open letter to Gillette from Godfrey Elfwick

From our US edition

Dear Gillette, I watched your latest advert and I must say, it’s a good start. However, I have concerns that it wasn’t patronizing enough. In order to get through to the majority of men, you need to really talk down to them, treat them as if they were tiny children, incapable of understanding the world around them. Only then will you gain their trust and respect. To this end, I have taken the liberty of writing the outline for your next advert and I am willing to be featured in it (I will send you an invoice along with my PayPal details). Gillette Advert – Men Are Awful (working title) We open on a group of adult men playing some sport or other, Basketsoccer or whatever it is they do. In the corner we see a six-year-old girl looking vulnerable but also brave and defiant.

gillette godfrey elfwick

I strongly object to being called a fascist by white supremacist Nazis

From our US edition

Yesterday morning while visiting friends in London, I decided to take a stroll down to Pret A Manger for a spinach and avocado protein pot. On the way there, I found myself in the middle of some kind of demonstration. An intimidating gang of white men (along with a few women who had no doubt been threatened by their violent beer-swilling husbands into being there, and some people of color who had probably wandered into the demonstration by accident) were standing outside Burger King shouting disgusting pro-Brexit slogans, demanding ‘democracy’ and holding up signs expressing the need to ‘GET ON WITH IT’. These men were obviously white supremacists or why else would they be so vocal in their support of Brexit?

godfrey elfwick fascist white supremacist

Louis C.K. is not OK

From our US edition

I sat down on my futon the other night to enjoy a nourishing but humble bowl of organic vegan noodles with wakame seaweed and steamed honey-gilded pak choi. As I sat cross-legged at my chabudai and browsed the Wot’s Woke blogosphere on my iPad, the enjoyment of my simple peasant’s dish was severely marred as I came across a story about Louis C.K. The article contained the link to a clip of a ‘so-called’ ‘stand up’ ‘comedy’ ‘routine’ in which ‘Louis’ ‘C.K.’ stood in front of his ‘audience’ and ‘delivered’ what can only be described as a torrent of hatred, the like of which I have not experienced since Ricky Gervais refused to call Caitlyn Jenner stunning and brave.

New Year’s resolutions white cis men need to make for 2019

From our US edition

As a genderqueer Muslim atheist who identifies as black, I am often abused by bigots (usually white cis males) who bombard me with hate speech such as: ‘What the fuck does “transrace” mean?’, ‘How can you be a Muslim and an atheist, that makes no sense!’ and ‘Sort your hair out you stupid hipster twat, you look like a fucking nonce.’ That last one was said to me by my father, a boorish brute of a man, who would often make scathing remarks at me as I was growing up, and even went so far as to buy me a 32GB iPhone one Chr*stm*s when he knew I wanted the 64GB one. That kind of abuse leaves a mark. White cis males have a lot to apologize for when it comes to the current state of the world.

resolutions white cis godfrey elfwick

The Winterfest Carol of Godfrey Elfwick

From our US edition

Last night, as I was safely tucked up in bed with a kale smoothie, I was visited by three apparitions, each one determined to change my outlook on the toxic nature of Chr*stm*s. The first ghost appeared at midnight, a shimmering androgynous specter floating in front of my window. ‘Godfrey Elfwick, I am here to show you the error of your ways. Come with me on a journey into your past...’ they said, proffering me a semi-transparent hand. ‘Erm, excuse me, what are your pronouns?’ I inquired respectfully. ‘I’m sorry what?’ was the answer. ‘Well, do you prefer to be referred to as he, she, they, xe, xie, ze, ve, yo...’ As I listed all 592 currently available pronouns, I could see the spirit’s eyes begin to glaze over, and so I took hold of their hand.

godfrey elfwick

Let’s admit that comedy is problematic

From our US edition

‘Songs of joy and tears of laughter are all we need, to lift our hearts – Godfrey Elfwick’ I penned the above quote for an article in my university’s weekly student magazine ‘Wotz Woke?’ while trying to combat the negative effects of Trump and Brexit. Since then however, things have changed, and my outlook on ‘tears of laughter’ has altered drastically. When it comes to comedy these days, ‘tears of laughter’ has become merely tears. This week, a ‘stand up comedian’ by the name of Konstantin Kisin was handed a very reasonable contract by the School of African and Oriental Studies (SOAS) in London, organized by university society Unicef on Campus.

konstantin kisin

Welcome back Titania McGrath!

From our US edition

I met Titania McGrath at the Genderfree Silent Poetry Class I used to attend on a Thursday evening at the Basement Bar in York. I remember her standing out from the rest of the artistes because of the amount of screaming she did. Since her first draft of ‘My Ovaries Are The Devil’s Kidneys’ which she wrote back in 2013, her work has come on in leaps and bounds, and improved with every court summons. More recently she has found her niche on Twitter. She inspires thousands of followers, or dare I say, disciples, with a heady mixture of defiant slam poetry and staunch feminist views. Her poems are raw, unbridled, angry, and often nonsensical. Like Lewis Carroll meets Quentin Tarantino.

titania mcgrath