Cockburn

Cockburn

Mischief, mayhem and Washington gossip. Send tips and party invites to cockburn@thespectator.com.

Wednesday

Cockburn

Study: it’s not Adam Levine’s fault 

From our US edition

After love rat Adam Levine and wife Behati Prinsloo were pictured smiling on a beach were released, it seems that all is well after his cheating scandal erupted two weeks ago. The forty-three-year-old Maroon 5 singer denied cheating on his pregnant wife, after model Sumner Stroh claimed that they had a year-long affair in a TikTok video. Following her admission, two other women came out with messages purportedly from Levine. But could his conduct be down to science? An August study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior journal seems to think so. The authors concluded that infidelity may be contagious. That’s right, hanging out with sleazebags could make you one too.

adam levine cheating

Tuesday

Cockburn

Madonna comes out… as an attention seeker

From our US edition

Another day, another celebrity coming out on the internet. Madonna is the latest: this weekend, the pop icon posted a video on TikTok with the caption, “If I miss, I’m Gay.” The singer then tosses her underwear towards a waste basket, misses and then gestures “Oh well.” https://www.tiktok.com/@madonna/video/7152605555830426923?_t=8WQ5cXPY0Zi&_r=1 Some fans are sending their support for the sixty-four-year-old, who has long been a gay icon. But others are speculating that Madonna is just jumping on the latest bandwagon. Cockburn laughed out loud at a tweet that read, "Doesn’t Madonna do this once every couple of hundred years?" Cockburn has noticed that it now seems passé to be straight, as many ladies scramble to get out of the "straight white woman" box.

madonna

Monday

Cockburn

Republicans endorse Kanye as everyone else slowly backs away

From our US edition

If there is one celeb to not rally behind right now, it’s Kanye West. Over the past few years, the rapper's mental health has steadily declined and his outbursts have become more regular. As he becomes more unhinged, friends who used to come to his defense have realized it’s in their best interest to quiet down. Yet in spite of all that, Cockburn can't help but notice that House Republicans have embraced Kanye. A tweet, which somehow has not been deleted, was posted on Thursday by the House Republicans Twitter account. It reads, "Kanye. Elon. Trump." Not only was the tweet ratio'd within minutes — with quote tweets such as "who are three people we really don’t need to hear from ever again?

Friday

Cockburn

The Right Stuff gets review-bombed

From our US edition

Cockburn has been unlucky in love of late. He’s married. Third time’s the charm, as they say. But for the generations below, the dating world throws up a number of quandaries. In the post-#MeToo era, you can’t meet at work anymore. Bars and clubs took a big hit with Covid. That’s why so many younguns depend on app-based dating these days. But on Bumble and Hinge (Cockburn’s not well known enough for Raya yet), progressive virtue-signaling is apparently all-too-common. “Swipe left if you’re a Republican” and slogans about “dismantling the patriarchy,” “defunding the police” and “BLM/ACAB” plague the profiles of many users. What are the alternatives if you’re on the right? Cockburn always thought “church.

ryann mcenany the right stuff
ye
Cockburn

Tucker Carlson grills Kanye West

From our US edition

Tucker Carlson has tackled a question that has long puzzled Cockburn: is Kanye West crazy? Ye has had his fair share of controversial moments: he appeared on a 2006 cover of Rolling Stone mimicking Jesus Christ with a crown of thorns. He infamously stormed the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards stage to tell Taylor Swift she didn’t deserve her award. For the past couple years, he's been battling ex-wife Kim Kardashian and her family, during which time he also became religious, started hosting Sunday Services and bought a ranch in Cody, Wyoming, which he tried to sell but then took off the market. Most recently, Ye incited establishment ire by wearing a “White Lives Matter” T-shirt alongside conservative firebrand buddy Candace Owens at Paris Fashion Week.

Thursday

Cockburn

Is it ever acceptable to drink wine at a football tailgate?

From our US edition

One of the things Cockburn likes best about working for The Spectator is its unswerving devotion to the policy debates that matter. In that intellectual spirit, and bearing in mind the recent photo of Pennsylvania Republican candidate Dr. Oz holding a glass of Cab at a Penn State tailgate, he's proud to announce our first ever Spectator World symposium, featuring the views of his colleagues. Today's subject: is it ever acceptable to drink wine at a football tailgate? Amber Athey, Washington editor If you’re under the age of forty at a college football tailgate, ideally the only wine you’re drinking is from a box. Acceptable consumption methods are out of an oddly dusty and sticky red solo cup or directly from the spout during a game of "slap the bag.

football

Wednesday

Cockburn

Kanye West is turning into Candace Owens

From our US edition

Cockburn misses the old Kanye, straight from the ’Go Kanye. The rapper, producer, designer and… (what’s the opposite of a mental health advocate?) plumbed new depths this week with his appearance at Paris Fashion Week. West showed up to the launch of his new sneaker line alongside friend and fellow former liberal Candace Owens. Both wore shirts adorned with the slogan “White Lives Matter.” https://twitter.com/RealCandaceO/status/1577000138131656704 “White Lives Matter,” of course, was a common retort to the “Black Lives Matter” maxim that emerged in 2013 after George Zimmerman’s acquittal for the shooting of Trayvon Martin.

kanye west candace owens
football
Cockburn

Fetterman blasts Dr. Oz for drinking wine at a football tailgate

From our US edition

John Fetterman has prompted a fierce debate in the hotly contested race for Pennsylvania’s US Senate seat (the Cook Political Report just moved the race from “leans Democrat” to “toss-up”) by attacking his opponent, Dr. Mehmet Oz, for drinking wine at a Penn State football tailgate: https://twitter.com/JohnFetterman/status/1577304936345387009 Pennsylvania natives quickly came to Oz’s defense. The American Thinker compiled a list of spot-on responses, including one “Pennsylvania regular” who said she would totally drink wine because “Beer makes me have to pee.” Others pointed to the fact that Pennsylvanians are, in fact, normal people, and drink wine like those from other states. They even have wineries in Pennsylvania — 400 of them!

Monday

Cockburn

Virgin Atlantic launches woke uniform policy

From our US edition

Rejoice, flight attendants! British airline Virgin Atlantic announced last week that they are switching to a gender-neutral uniform policy. Previously, female flight crew members donned the airline's iconic bright red skirt suit, while male crew wore burgundy three-piece suits. Now they may choose which uniform best matches their gender identity and pop on an accompanying pin informing customers of their chosen pronouns. The YouTube video announcing the new policy features several "non-binary" crew members who express pleasure at the change. Curiously, Virgin Atlantic opted to disable comments on the video and hide the number of dislikes.

Virgin Atlantic launches gender inclusive uniform policy (YouTube Screenshot)

Sunday

Cockburn

Has Beyoncé dumped Beto?

From our US edition

Beto O’Rourke’s campaign for Texas governor is, to put it mildly, not going so well. The latest polls have him trailing Greg Abbott by seven or eight percentage points. The Democratic candidate, and enthusiastic furry, could really use a shot in the arm from his old pal and political ally Beyoncé. But Cockburn is skeptical about how likely that is. When Robert Francis O’Rourke, aka Beto, ran to be one of Texas’s senators in 2018, high-profile Texan and Democrat Beyoncé Knowles-Carter waited until the day of the midterm elections to endorse him, after many had already voted. Donning a “Beto For Senate” hat in an Instagram post, the singer encouraged her fans to run along to the polling station.

beto

Friday

Cockburn

Who REALLY blew up the Nord Stream pipelines?

From our US edition

Four days have passed since the Nord Stream pipelines mysteriously ruptured in the Baltic Sea, just outside of NATO territory. Sabotage is suspected. Many in the West blame Vladimir Putin; others, such as Tucker Carlson, Radek Sikorski and, er, Vladimir Putin, blame America. But to truly solve this mystery, Cockburn thinks circumstances require us to cast the net a little wider. Here are some potential saboteurs deserving of further scrutiny. Greta Thunberg How dare we! The gray Swedish doom-gremlin has dedicated much of the last years to warning us of the looming Armageddon, traipsing from the UN to Davos to COP26. Is it farfetched to suggest that Thunberg might take dramatic steps to ensure her cause is the only option on the table?

nord stream

Wednesday

Cockburn

Are John Fetterman’s salad days finally over?

From our US edition

John Fetterman is hungry for victory. The Democratic candidate for Senate in Pennsylvania has taken umbrage with what he perceives as “nasty” comments about his health and diet from his opponent, Dr. Mehmet Oz. But, according to a landmark investigation from the Washington Free Beacon, Fetterman used to hector his constituents to “eat more vegetables” during his tenure as mayor of Braddock, Pennsylvania. Per the Beacon’s Joe Simonson: On the corner of 4th Street in Braddock… sits a city sign likely not seen anywhere else in the United States. The sign doesn’t display the speed limit or parking hours, but rather an order to passersby: "NOTICE: EAT MORE VEGETABLES.

fetterman salad
Cockburn

You, too, can shoot feral hogs from a helicopter with Marjorie Taylor Greene

From our US edition

A little bleary-eyed from not yet partaking in his morning Bloody Mary, Cockburn thought at first that he was hearing one of those Newsmax commercials for Tanto Paronto’s HD Vision Night Ops glasses. He listened more closely, and thought it might be “Top Gov” Ron DeSantis dogfighting with the corporate media. But upon closer inspection, it was something altogether more extreme: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene’s latest YouTube video, in which she braves a lightning storm to carry a gigantic gun toward a camera, then appears to be struck by the lightning, giving her white glowing eyes à la Storm from the Marvel comics. It gets way more normal after that, don’t worry.

Friday

Cockburn

Cockburn’s guide to messaging women online

From our US edition

Like all men, flawed as they are, Cockburn has indulged in the odd message to an Instagram beauty after one mojito too many. But as we’ve learned from Adam Levine over the last week, it’s probably best to follow some rules when doing so. After the Maroon 5 singer was caught sending multiple messages to women who aren’t his wife, people have been quick to shame him for being a scumbag. Cockburn recognizes that extramarital flirtation is frowned upon, but he also believes there is a way to do these things. It’s all in the delivery. Step one If your wife is a Victoria's Secret model, and you are a declining rockstar covered in tattoos that make Post Malone's look like the Sistine Chapel, maybe message her instead?!

adam levine messaging

Thursday

Cockburn

Senate cafeteria hosts ‘Latinx’ brunch

From our US edition

Fancy a touch of wokeness on your lunch break? If you work in the United States Senate, you might be in luck. One of Cockburn's many Capitol Hill spies snapped a photo today that gave him quite the chuckle. The Senate cafeteria is hosting a "Latinx brunch" in celebration of "Hispanic & Latinx Heritage Month," which apparently runs from September 15 to October 15. [caption id="attachment_40221" align="aligncenter" width="768"] Senate cafeteria hosts ‘Latinx’ brunch (Photo credit: The Spectator)[/caption] The brunch, located in the Dirksen cafe, features classic Latin meats and dishes such as chorizo, fried plantains, Salvadoran beans and rice, and black beans. The menu also includes something called "Pirujo Frances", but a Google search didn't return a useful translation.

Senate cafeteria hosts 'Latin' brunch
Cockburn

Rashida Tlaib demands banks stop funding new oil and gas products

From our US edition

Cockburn was busy vigorously shaking his evening martini, James Bond-style, last night, so he missed the first half of Representative Rashida Tlaib’s insufferably long-winded and self-righteous speech ahead of a really dumb question. Her overly accentuated red lips (a similar shade of blood sported by fellow Squad member AOC) spewed all sorts of nonsense, while her attention-grabbing glasses risked flying from her face as her head gestured dramatically back and forth on screen. Cockburn’s mixology ended just in time to hear Tlaib charge J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon with: “Please answer with a simple yes or no, does your bank have a policy against funding new oil and gas products, Mr. Dimon?

Wednesday

Cockburn

AP conveniently forgets to mention that politician accused of murder is a Democrat

From our US edition

Cockburn is partial to a murder mystery, but in some cases it seems that the mainstream media are going out of their way to hide relevant facts. The Associated Press, for example, serves the important function of scribbling up neutral versions of smaller local stories and syndicating them nation- and worldwide. It's intriguing, therefore, that when the wire service reported on the trial of the Clark County public administrator Robert Telles allegedly killing a Las Vegas investigative journalist, they conveniently forgot to mention that he’s a Democrat. While Cockburn is sure that the AP made an honest mistake, like every yuppie he has found himself on his fair share of crime scenes. Getting a sense of things is generally pretty easy: Colonel Mustard with the dagger in the library.

robert telles nevada ap

Tuesday

Cockburn

Why was Biden stuck in the nosebleeds at the Queen’s funeral?

From our US edition

Cockburn was glued to the television during the memorial and funeral services for Queen Elizabeth II — naturally. There were many highlights, but Donald Trump made sure to spotlight on one of the more unfortunate lowlights of the week’s events, surrounding our very own President Joe Biden. During the funeral service at Westminster Abbey, you see, Biden and First Lady Jill were seated “in the 14th row… only seven rows from the very back,” reports Business Insider. This led Trump to roast the Bidens on Truth Social, declaring that the less-than-stellar seating situation would have been different if he were still commander-in-chief: Indeed, Cockburn had trouble picking out the Bidens, who blended into a blur of the more than 500 other dignitaries in attendance.

Thursday

Cockburn

Texas sends a migrant surprise to Kamala Harris

From our US edition

More mischief this week from Ron DeSantis. The Florida governor along with his Texas counterpart Greg Abbott have been busing illegal immigrants to blue states that have declared themselves sanctuaries for migrants. Last night, DeSantis escalated this strategy by flying dozens of Venezuelans to the posh and isolated Massachusetts island of Martha's Vineyard, home to the Obamas. Now, the GOP guvs have kicked it up another notch. Cockburn hears that two buses of immigrants have arrived at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, home to Vice President Kamala Harris. The result has been a scene of chaos on the residence's lawn as migrants disembarked and journalists showed up to film the spectacle.

Wednesday

Cockburn

Cockburn’s letter from London

From our US edition

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II last week, every national TV network in America dispatched crack squads of producers to London to cover the aftermath. Staff shortages meant that The Spectator opted to send Cockburn over on an economy flight, although he bets that if it was anyone else, they’d be flying classy. After Cockburn got over the screaming kids and bad liquor on his JetBlue plane, he decided to start at Buckingham Palace. This was, in hindsight, a huge mistake. In fact, Cockburn would go as far to say that the British royal family’s HQ is host to a cabal of the worst humans on earth. Loud, crying Americans, British oiks taking smiling selfies, Instagram moms laying flowers down seven times to make sure that their dutiful camera man got the best angle of their ass.

london