Catriona Olding

Provence Lying awake at 3.30 the other morning, I thought about a V.S. Pritchett quote: ‘Once one has got used to the big wrongs of life, little ones wake up, with their mean little teeth.’ These past few weeks ‘little ones… with their mean little teeth’ meant another chest infection, laryngitis, baffling spreadsheets, a painting I couldn’t get right which was holding up studio work, two new tyres, losing my glasses and almost daily migraines. But worse, with regret and a heavy heart, a few days before I’d ended for good an on/off long-distance and occasional, but fond, ‘situationship’. Horrible word but apt in this case. It was never going anywhere, neither of us wanted it to.

Provence ‘Imbeciles! I told them! When the fire comes on the hill there, it always goes that way… did they listen? They did not! They fought it from the wrong side. Look at the mess.’ The old man, the last in the village still wearing a beret, was angry with the pompiers. This was two days after the fire which almost engulfed American Cathy’s house. Now the centre of the village was filling with brown smoke from a fire on the eastern side of our closest hill and the Sanctuary of Notre-Dame de Grâce was threatened a second time. In fairness to the pompiers, the last time fire struck there was in 1962. Following the first world war, many parts of rural Provence were depopulated.

Provence Under late June’s ferocious heat dome, during what turned out to be an almost eight-hour drive to join Martin Vander Weyer and his guests for three nights in the Dordogne, my car was telling me it wouldn’t start due to a recurring AdBlue emissions fault. And my old phone was pegging out. At home I hadn’t had hot water – or cold – for five days because the boiler was broken. There was also a leak. I had to turn the water on and off at the mains when I needed it. Life was turning out to be more troglodyte than I bargained for. Although the water, when it ran, was chilly, my brain was overheating even before the temperature hit 44°C in the Dordogne. Like the UK, I don’t have enough income or savings to cover all my bills.

Provence Straight from a weekend of helping a friend with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, I drove to Nice airport to pick up my eldest daughter, her husband and four-year-old who were arriving for a holiday. I was late and hoping for a slight delay at border control so I could meet them in that most joyful of places: the arrivals hall, with its cast of reuniting families, friends, lovers and waggy-tailed dogs. But these days Nice airport, contrary to reported chaos elsewhere, is efficient and there are no queues coming in or leaving. My little granddaughter ran into my arms just as I was walking towards the terminal building.

Provence ‘Painting is a stupid job. Do something useful and train to be a nurse,’ commented a man beneath a column I wrote last month. Although well used to the vitriol levelled at artists from some quarters, I found this particularly annoying. I was a general nurse from 1981 to 1985, after which I completed psychiatric training and spent five years working in acute psychiatry in the east end of Glasgow. That was followed by a year as a district nurse and seven more as a practice sister. I nursed because my lower-middle-class background, with its discouragements and lack of contacts, didn’t equip me even to consider somehow making a living from the two things I’d loved most since I was a child: books and art.

Provence In the hope of renting out the main cave house during the summer, I’ve been clearing to make room for guests. At the bottom of a cupboard I found two of Jeremy’s Barbour jackets. He bought them compulsively in secondhand shops and I’ve given away three already. Standing at the clothes recycling bin in the car park, I remembered just in time to check the pockets. With Jeremy you never know what you’ll find. The other month, rooting about for scissors in his as yet uncleared bedside cabinet drawer, I found a sizeable lump of granite-hard hash which must have been at least six years old. My hippy ceramicist neighbour Geoffrey was delighted.

It started during the bus journey from Glasgow to Edinburgh airport on the way home to Provence. Saying goodbye is always sad but there were other worries; earnings have been minimal for the past ten months and the new hot water tank was costing more than the balance of my bank account. People who assert that it’s no good throwing money at a problem have either never been poor or had an unhappy teenage daughter. In the old days when I had a bit of cash and one of the girls was especially miserable, a chat in the car and a wee spin round Topshop or Urban Outfitters generally did wonders. Those days are gone. I’ve been a financial basket case for years now.

Provence Life was complicated when I fled to Provence in November 2014 with no job and very little money. At first a comedian friend and his wife lent me their second home. The intention was to stay for six months, recover from a traumatic marriage break-up and write a book about my father, who was a giant (7ft 4in) and had for a spell in 1938 toured Nazi Germany and England as part of a world-famous revue. I was also planning to learn copy-editing in the hope that when I got back, I could get a job as the oldest-ever publishing intern. But in those days I didn’t even have a laptop and since money was running out, I had to abandon both ideas and find work.

Bacterial meningitis has left two young people dead and another fifteen seriously ill following an outbreak linked to a night club in Canterbury. Whenever there’s a photo of a pretty non-celeb teenager in the paper the heart sinks. So rarely is it good news. This time it was Juliette, 18, a sixth form pupil, smiling out at us with a pink flower in her hair. She died from the illness on Sunday. Her father said the family had 'no words to express their loss'. Her father said the family had 'no words to express their loss' By the time our children reach adolescence, meningitis – which we were all terrified of when they were babies – has slipped down our worry lists; it's way below drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, rape, accidents and murder.

Provence The other Monday I hosted the third annual meeting of the Jeremy Clarke Memoir Club on what would’ve been his 69th birthday. At the far end of the dining table, deep in the bare rock of the cliff, there’s a 27-inch high plaster cast of a bust by my ex of our youngest daughter as a youthful Baucis from Ovid’s Metamorphoses. The sculpture is bedecked with necklaces, a small bunch of faux anemones and part of the headdress I wore as a 21-year-old bride. In front of the bust I placed my grandmother’s black basalt Wedgwood urn which contains the remainder of Jeremy’s ashes. André began the meeting with the five-day odyssey his Italian father took alone on foot across the Alps in 1936, to escape conscription into Mussolini’s Blackshirts.

Recent research funded by the charity Marie Curie has discovered that each year in England around 170,000 people are suffering unnecessarily and dying in pain. That’s almost a third of total annual deaths. As it stands this shocking statistic can only fuel enthusiasm for the Assisted Dying Bill currently being debated in the House of Lords. But it needn’t be like this. There are lots of effective painkilling drugs, but some staff can’t believe the amount of morphine or other drugs patients need and so under-prescribe. There are lots of effective painkilling drugs, but some staff can’t believe the amount of morphine or other drugs patients need and so under-prescribe I know of one woman who had terminal breast cancer with painful bone metastases.