Alexander Larman

Lucky subscribers to ‘As Ever’, Meghan Markle’s Pravda-esque newsletter, were given an exclusive insight this festive season into how the Duchess of Sussex would be spending the Christmas period. She wrote that ‘Last night, I was nibbling the remnants of our Christmas Eve feast (dim sum this year), wrapping a few last-minute gifts, and tiptoeing down the stairs with my husband to make sure “Santa” had enjoyed his cookies and “the reindeer” had eaten their carrots. Anything to maintain the morning magic of Christmas through our children’s eyes.

As the rest of the Royal Family prepare for the pageantry and pomp of their traditional Christmas, two ghosts have gatecrashed the party, in true Dickensian fashion. One phantom is that of the long-deceased Jeffrey Epstein, whose malign influence continues to stretch into the present day thanks to the release of the latest tranche of his emails with the great and good. And the second is that of a living figure whose reputation, rather the physical presence, is haunting the royals this festive season. The latter is, of course, the embattled Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, whose reputation has been traduced by his actions involving Epstein over the past decades regarding which Andrew denies any wrongdoing.

Harper Collins announced last week that it would no longer be publishing any children’s books by their one-time cash cow David Walliams. The Little Britain star has been accused of 'harassing' junior female employees at the publishing house – he has strongly denied allegations of wrongdoing against him. According to a new investigation, one member of Harper Collins staff was reportedly given a five-figure payoff after raising concerns about his behaviour, while other junior staff were advised never to visit his home alone. The Daily Telegraph’s well-sourced investigation into this behaviour represents the first time that these allegations have been made public.  It seems unlikely that Walliams will be publishing any more children’s books with any other house in the future.

If you’ve ever dramatically broken up with an ex, only to find, to your miserable disbelief, that they keep popping up in the most inconvenient circumstances, you may feel a degree of sympathy with the royals as regards Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. A few weeks after he was stripped of his titles and ordered to leave Royal Lodge, he may now be the Andrew formerly known as Prince, but he shows no signs of wishing to leave his Windsor grace-and-favour home. By the terms of his (remarkably generous) lease, he is entitled to twelve months’ notice before departing. As one of his few remaining friends told the Times, 'It’s really rather sad, but if it’s a case of who will blink first, then Andrew is going to dig in. He ain’t going anywhere.

Describing the royal family as ‘funny’ is not, perhaps, the first thing that comes to mind when talking about the Windsors. After all, anyone with a long memory remembers the horrors of It’s A Royal Knockout in 1987. Meanwhile, the performers who tend to get the biggest laughs from them at the Royal Variety Show are usually those offering the broadest, silliest laughs. Just think of the late Queen enraptured by the once-in-a-lifetime spectacle of Frank Skinner, Harry Hill and Ed Balls (Ed Balls!) all performing George Formby’s ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows’ in 2018. However, King Charles has always been someone with a more developed sense of humour, even if his long-standing love of The Goon Show might date him somewhat.

On the Live Aid charity single, ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’, Bono sings the (somewhat incongruous) line ‘Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you’. Although he is referring to starving children dying in poverty rather than well-heeled Americans appearing on television, much the same sentiment applies to the unfortunate ‘special guests’ who have been corralled into the latest (and, presumably, last, unless the ratings pick up dramatically) episode of With Love, Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex’s Netflix-funded wallow in self-regard and vanity. This instalment is festive-themed, and comes with all the joyful élan of a drunken department store Santa placing a lump of coal in a child’s stocking.