Satire

Fall NewsletterOur Director, Eustace Stockstill, introduces the Fall issue.Dear fellow Soterians,I have tremendous news to share with you. Our membership drive during the last six months has been successful beyond our most imprudent hopes! Even now we can hardly believe it. The number of our members has increased by a power of seven! That’s a power, not a multiplier: we have doubled our membership seven times since March!I’m sure old members will remember the hurtful article a year ago in the Daily Gaslighter that dismissed us as cranks, mocking us as nothing but a tiny group of English eccentrics. Now we are having the laugh on them! Now we have 10 times more members than they have subscribers, and our influence is growing daily.

When it comes to recent controversies surrounding the very public life of the Conway family, we can only wish them the best. Kellyanne was a White House counselor, George was part of the anti-Trump ‘Lincoln Project’, and their teenage daughter is a young progressive who denounced both of her parents on social media. Kellyanne and George are stepping back from public life to focus on their family. We hope they can rebuild bridges and put all of this behind them.Having different political opinions within a family can be tough. We think, for example, of the Hitchens brothers. Christopher was an impassioned atheist and liberal internationalist. Peter is an equally impassioned Christian and social conservative.

Dear Twitter,The other day I spotted an elderly man not wearing a mask in the pharmacy. He had a badge pinned to his shirt which proclaimed him to have COPD, absolving him of his responsibility to do the decent thing. At first glance everything looked legit, but to my keen eyes, the kerning on his medical exemption badge was all wrong. A friend of mine is doing a graphic design course and after discreetly WhatsApping them a close-up, they confirmed to me it was indeed a clever forgery. I immediately opened my Twitter app so that I could broadcast me shaming him to my 128,000 followers, but my plan was abruptly scuppered. I tapped the familiar icon and was confronted with a message telling me that my account, MY account had been suspended! SUSPENDED! Can you imagine that?

After years of speculation, Lilly Wachowski has finally given us confirmation that The Matrix trilogy is an allegory of the transgender experience. Although it is obvious to anyone who filters popular media through the lens of woke issues that Neo’s struggle to understand and accept his identity represented the conflict every transgender person faces, to have it verified by one of the writers is a significant step forward in the fight for equality. Some might question the reason as to why it’s taken so long for Lilly, who is herself transgender, to speak up about this and why she chose to highlight it now: ‘(In 1999) …the world just wasn’t ready for it’ she explains in a video.

The Associated Press recently posted an announcement on their website detailing their decision to capitalize the ‘B’ in Black when used in the context of race and culture.'These changes align with long-standing capitalization of other racial and ethnic identifiers such as Latino, Asian American and Native American,' writes AP’s Vice President for Standards, John Daniszewski in a blog post on the AP website.The following day a further announcement was made explaining why they had taken the decision to continue to use a lowercase ‘w’ in ‘white’ when used in the same context.

Portland, Oregon If you want to know whether you’re a racist, look in the mirror. If you are white, you’re a racist. It really is that simple. No matter how progressive you think you are, having black and brown friends cannot repair the innate racism of your birth. Your vanilla voice is not welcome. Your low-pigment opinions are invalid. The back of the bus is where you need to go when it comes to having a say about race. And don’t give me your white fragility. Thankfully two Women of Color have taken it upon themselves to educate white women on their privilege. The ‘Race to Dinner’ service offers liberal white women and other daughters of the Confederacy the chance to have dinner with proudly black Women of Color.

Professor Sprout has called out J.K. Rowling’s violently problematic comments regarding trans people in a recent article in the Times of London. ‘If you seriously want to become a woman you should be allowed to. You can’t be fascist about it,’ said the Hogwarts Herbology teacher, as she expertly re-potted a Bubotuber without wasting so much as one drop of its valuable pus. I could not agree more with the professor’s words. Since I transitioned, ‘Biology’ has become as problematic a subject as the Dark Arts. I am beginning to suspect Rowling had intended for us to see Voldemort as the hero in her books all along, seeing as she has far more in common with him than any Gryffindor.

This article was originally published in The Spectator’s Picture the scene. It is the middle of the afternoon. The window blinds are closed, the lights dimmed. The eager audience sits cross-legged on a patchwork rug, a frisson of excitement filling the air. Just as enthusiasm gives way to impatience, a captivating vision of womanhood bursts into the room in a glorious blaze of sound and sequins, riding a glittering chariot (a new Pride Ranger 2.0 All-Terrain 8mph Mobility Scooter) to the strains of Miley Cyrus’s ‘Wrecking Ball’. Her hair is a breathtakingly intricate architectural marvel, two-feet high and bedecked with curls. The heels of her knee-high patent-leather boots are an unapologetic six inches long.

For some time now conservatives have been using the tactic of rummaging around in a person’s past, searching for evidence of problematic behavior. They call it ‘cancel culture’. What makes this entire situation worse is that conservatives are not even doing anything original. They are attempting to appropriate a custom which has been practiced by people on the left for years, claiming it as their own. Normally I would see mob-shaming as a perfectly legitimate method of purging society of wrongdoers. The digging up and cataloguing of people’s past micro-aggressions so that we may discredit and ostracize them from the Tribe is something The Woke have been doing for at least a decade now.

The New York City Board of Tourism would like to encourage all Americans to consider spending their summer vacation in Ghostly New York, the Nightmare Capital of the World!Come for our world-renowned shuttered restaurants, our extinct nightlife, our empty theaters, and closed museums. Stay because you got murdered by an antifa activist!The Rotting Apple still offers the world's most unique shopping experience. See something in that Macy’s window that catches your eye? Just throw a brick and take it — we’ll even supply pallets of official I ❤️ NY bricks outside your favorite retailers. Take one home as a souvenir!For all you senior citizens out there, Gov.

Portland, OregonWhen I heard about the murder of George Floyd, I was angry. I raged at the sky for seven days and seven nights, demanding it rain down rocks of burning fury upon the Minneapolis Police Department. As I watched the news and saw rioters had set buildings alight, I felt in a roundabout way that my prayers had been answered. But this vigilante vengeance, as justified as it was, was not enough. Nothing could ever be the same again. Things have to change* (*at this point, I would like you to imagine me saying ‘Things have to change’ with a fiercely sincere expression on my face while being filmed in black and white against an emotive soundtrack for extra significance).For this reason, the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone (or CHAZ) in Seattle has been established.

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you will have been exposed to the bloodcurdling realization that the world’s (previously) most beloved author, J.K. Rowling, has outed herself as a transphobe, or ‘TERF’ (trans exclusionary radical feminist). After a shockingly bigoted rant on her Twitter feed, followed by a blog post in which she doubled-down on her hatred (I didn’t read it because the things it said were far too upsetting, but I’ve been told it’s filled with unspeakable hate and as such has been named ‘The Blog That Must Not Be Read’).

Portland, OregonThe one resounding call from Black Lives Matter protesters in the wake of George Floyd’s death has been ‘defund the police’. This is a rallying cry I am 100 percent on board with. In an unprecedented move, Minneapolis City Council has chosen to see sense and formally announced plans to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department and committed to establishing a new community-led system. This is exciting news, and sets a precedent for this model to be repeated around the world. However, many people (racists) are criticizing this bold strategy of tearing down the fascist state, because they simply cannot imagine their lives without the comforting restrictions living under an oppressive authoritarian regime brings them.

My name is Matilda Olofsson and I am Greta Thunberg’s arch-nemesis. For every positive action her climate activism encourages, I have taken it upon myself to cause an equally negative reaction. For example, when Greta challenged world leaders to address the issue of reducing carbon emissions with her famous ‘HOW DARE YOU?’ speech, I marched straight down to my local park and chastised a bunch of kids for riding around on push bikes when limousines exist. So naturally, when I heard of Greta's inclusion on a CNN coronavirus 'facts and fears' panel I was livid.