Satire

Discerning cancellation connoisseurs so far have overlooked one of the most problematic boy bands of the 20th century — and it's time to change that. The American disco group the Village People features a cast of empenised individuals donning costumes that glorify toxically masculine tropes of the time: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a sailor, a biker and, bizarrely, a Native American (more on that later). This mono-gendered depiction of the local proletariat is laughably outdated. While some might say the only thing lesbians are actually good at is running nonprofits, today we know that Sappho’s daughters are just as good as men, probably better, at chasing down perps, roping steer and erecting skyscrapers. But let’s look at the music.

Before I begin, let me get one thing straight: I am not a racist. Therefore, anything negative I say in this article is aimed exclusively at Harry, NOT Meghan. I would never dream of criticizing a strong independent WoC and everything Meghan has done in her life so far, and will achieve in the future, is empowering — and a direct result of either her own inner strength, or the systemic racism she has faced while navigating the stormy seas of prejudice.  Good, now that’s out of the way, I shall get to the plant-based meat substitute of this article. The Oprah interview was nothing short of Earth-shattering. As a Brit myself (although I inwardly apologize for this every damn day), the impact Meghan’s truth has had on us as a nation has been immense.

A video game with a multitude of problematic themes and mechanics has recently been released which has once and for all cemented my already unfavorable opinion on so-called ‘open world role-playing games’. Cyberpunk 2077 was launched on PC and gaming consoles this week, which generated tumultuous excitement and praise across all the major social media platforms. This unavoidable hubbub came from the majority of the gaming community who were applauding the title for its ‘beautiful graphics’ and ‘combat mechanics’ et cetera. However, there were also a small group of (decent) people who were quick to point out the darker and more problematic elements of this immersive video game.

The Mandalorian is a fabulous new show on the Disney+ channel based in the Stars War universe. I watched at least 10 minutes of one episode the other week and I must say I very much enjoyed what I saw. As far as I could deduce, it is about a COVID-aware masked space knight who is instructed by bigots to capture a non-binary trans-age baby called ‘Yodel’ (they probably want to practice gay conversion therapy on the poor they) but thankfully, the Mandalorian is an ally who ends up empathizing with Yodel’s struggle and together they go on a quest to seek acceptance in a cold transphobic universe.

A worrying trend has emerged recently of non-trans uterus owners demanding the removal of inclusive language when dealing with gender-related issues. This is extremely harmful to the trans community as it is a blatant attempt to invalidate our existence as trans women and trans men. Many organizations have been making a valiant effort to respect trans and non-binary people by using more progressive and inclusive terms or phrases when advertising their products and services. This has been seen as a positive step forward in the struggle for validation for those of us who identify as non-cisgender.

Once more, I attempt to fall asleep. My eyes are heavy, I feel dizzy, weak. My body is wracked with aches and I am shivering uncontrollably. The blessed relief of healing slumber still eludes me. Is it morning or night? What day is it? I don’t know. Nearby I hear a muffled groan. Someone else is suffering. Another victim of this god-awful pandemic. How many more of us will it take? With some difficulty I manage to turn my head and can just make out large, blocky letters which from my perspective spell ‘AROD’, adorning the outer sides of my Dora the Explorer play tent. From the amount of light passing through the garish green fabric, I’m guessing it’s early morning. Moments before dawn. I survived another night. Another night of this sleepless nightmare.

PortlandOn Wednesday, California became the first state government in the US to adopt a law to study and develop proposals for reparations to descendants of enslaved people and those impacted by slavery. This is positive news and I am hoping it will set an example to encourage other states to follow suit. As a transblack individual and an immigrant to the United States, it’s pure coincidence that I’ve recently (since yesterday) been mulling over the idea of moving to California. I believe that I qualify for reparations from the white man who has kept me down and prevented me from achieving my full potential.

As a trans woman and a Harry Potter fan, every day brings fresh pain. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has written a new book (ironically, under a male pseudonym), and according to Pink News, it features a cisgender male serial killer who murders his victims while wearing women’s clothes. The wailing and gnashing of teeth from trans rights activists on Twitter has been immeasurable since Pink News imparted this information. It would seem that Rowldermort has finally decided to go full TERF and is not even attempting to hide her seething hatred towards the trans community.It’s probably no coincidence Rowling’s pen name for her amateurish yet unfathomably popular crime novel series is ‘Robert Galbraith’.

Hey folks, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood antifa ringleader. You may recognize me from such news clips as ‘Small group of troublemakers seen smashing windows’ and ‘ANTIFA dude on fire in Portland’. That’s me in the black hoodie.I’m enjoying a bit of downtime ahead of another largely peaceful weekend (weather permitting!). Right now I’m changing flights — who knew there were flight changes in business class? — but I figured I’d take a break from my busy schedule of scheming to give you all an important message: vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris on November 3.I know what you’re thinking: isn’t antifa a series of anarchist groups with little to do with center-left mainstream politics?

A university professor in Washington DC whose work focuses on Africa and the African diaspora apologized last week for ‘pretending’ to be black. In an emotionally raw, difficult-to-read blog post, Jessica Krug revealed she’s actually white and has been deceiving her friends and colleagues for years.  As I read the tortured words in her post, I became enraged. Her words brought back a torrent of memories from when I myself felt the need to keep my transracial status a closely guarded secret. Thankfully these days I feel comfortable enough to tell the world: my name is Godfrey Elfwick. I am wrongskin.

March 17, 2027Whenever the Pink Shirts come by for a check, Inez hits the discreet button beneath the kitchen counter that releases the trap door into the cellar where she now keeps her most expensive shoes and we’ve got about 30 seconds to get inside.Inez tells us much about the outside world that we’ve missed for so long. That the Pink Shirts are now knocking on doors daily to ask if any Deplorables live there. If so, they are immediately taken away to one of the Cal State campuses for reeducation but Inez says no one has ever returned. We fear only death awaits us at Cal State.They often have lists. Inez says the Beverly Hills Autonomous Zone District Commander is the foulest person she’s ever seen.

The presidential election hurtles towards us like a portentous comet; hailing joyous salvation, or foreshadowing unfathomable doom. Of course the latter of those refers to the possibility of decent Americans being forced to endure four more years of Donald Trump in the White House. Life under Trump’s hateful regime has been intolerable. Could you even call it ‘life’? More like simply surviving. Eking out a paltry existence each day like a season finale of The Walking Dead. Desperately holding onto the tentative hope that one day Trump will be overthrown, his army of MAGA zombies finally silenced, and his fascistic dictatorship brought to an end — via the means of a democratic election (seeing as every possible method of impeachment has failed).