Parody

As seen in the New World What are the vibes of Rupert Lowe? That’s the question on my mind as I arrive at his parliamentary office, and find the door ajar. The MP for Great Yarmouth is sitting on a quilted armchair, stock still and staring straight ahead. ‘Um? Hi? Rupert? It’s Claire Holden – you said to pop by at 1?’ Rupert jolts to life. ‘Thank you so much for coming, sit down. No stand up. Actually you should sit yourself down – never could do business with a man I’m not looking at eye to eye.’ ‘Like I always say, a bird in the hand is worth a premium fountain pen’ I gingerly take my seat, notes app ready. ‘So, Rupert. Clearly Andy Burnham will have to deal with the bond markets. And it seems like they have a lot of control over our lives now.

As seen on Substack I was in the middle of a mindless scrolling binge, when Isabella and Tash told me that Keir Starmer was finally going to stand up to the social media companies. I opened the BBC app to check if it was true that the government would be banning harmful content – putting an end to the era of digital commodification, online hatred and violent pornography for good. I let out a little shriek of joy. But this soon turned to a guttural moan, as my friends and I realised that – as young women in our early twenties – we would miss out on these protections since they would be limited to the under-16s. I threw down my phone in disgust, before picking it up again.

As seen in the Telegraph Two thoughts on the sad and controversial death of Henry Nowak. The first is about Kemi. Wow. She really is The One. While Nigel Farage has angrily stomped about, demanding certain laws and policies be changed to stop something like that happening again, Mrs Badenoch instead forensically called for people to be mindful of their language. Mummy has done it again. Little do they know that until 2020 there were no racial tensions in this country at all And here is thought two: I despise Americans, and the Americanisation of our culture. Nowak’s death has opened the floodgates to all sorts of barking, ill-informed commentary from the Yanks about this seat of Mars.