British royal family

Britain has spoken. After extracts from Prince Harry’s memoir, Spare, were leaked to the Guardian, the overwhelming reaction to the book's explosive claims is "what kind of man wears a necklace?" Describing a confrontation at his London home in 2019, Harry says that his brother William called Meghan Markle “difficult,” “rude” and “abrasive,” which Harry calls a “parroting of the press narrative” about his American wife. Or maybe those were just the first three adjectives that sprung to mind about moaning Meg. Harry goes on to describe how William “grabbed me by the collar, ripping my necklace, and... knocked me to the floor.” Heroic Haz then writes that he gave his brother a glass of water and said: “Willy, I can’t speak to you when you’re like this.

Prince Harry has bared his soul in explosive interviews for the publicity of his upcoming memoir, Spare. Just kidding. Naturally Humdrum Haz is droning on about the same obscure claims he and his wife have been recycling for the past two years. The evil "institution," the big bad press and the mystic royal "they," who seems to be a nonbinary Illuminati-like figure pulling the strings of the entire British Isles. This time, with ITV’s Tom Bradby, the Duke claimed, “I would like to get my father back. I would like to have my brother back.” Who could possibly imagine why King Charles and Prince William might want to keep Harry at arm's length? Anyone? "It never needed to be this way," the prince said. He wanted a family, not an institution!

It was no surprise that Prince Harry and Meghan were absent from Britain's royal Christmas celebrations at Sandringham after their recent outbursts. Their Netflix documentary cemented what we already knew: there is no going back. Instead, the pair opted for a Californian Christmas. Away from the pomp and pageantry of the royal family’s traditions, the day was described as low-key, choosing to spend their days playing games like "pin the tail on the Catherine" and throwing darts at King Charles’s face. I’m kidding, they’re far too mature for that. In Britain, we saw a family in unity. Even Prince Andrew attended the Christmas Day church service at St. Mary Magdalene and, somehow, was received well by crowds.

Their ranks may be dwindling, but Mr. and Mrs. Meghan Markle do have a few key supporters left on the other side of the Pond. What their fabulously rehearsed "fly-on-the-wall" documentary set in stone is who was gone for good: Wills and Kate. The poor Waleses were absolutely slandered. In fact, the only realistic thing about the whole show was the visceral hatred the Sussexes had for the pair. Harry despises his big brother almost as much as Jeremy Clarkson hates Meghan, and would certainly see him strung up in the streets, but of course, you can’t print that in Britain. Team Windsor may be pretty strong in numbers, but the "we-just-want-to-be-normal-but-don’t-you-dare-forget-the-title" team do have two major players: the Princesses of York.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s a wrap. The last leg of Meghan and Harry’s docuseries aired Thursday, where we learned about institutionalized gaslighting, how terrified Harry is of big, bad Prince William and what Beyoncé thinks about the whole saga, obviously. The final three episodes, admittedly, were the bombshell some hoped for. Harry and Meghan’s usual approach of accusing nameless figures of terrible acts went out the window. Prince William was the villain, King Charles didn’t come off much better. Hell, they even threw in some sly digs at the late Queen. For many Brits, this is a cardinal sin. Apparently, we're done. All over. H tells us that finally: it’s time to move on.

Tolerance for Meghan and Harry is wearing thin across the Pond. That’s saying something, because there was little tolerance to begin with. But after the latest trailer of their Netflix documentary was released online, even the staunchest Sussex fans are feeling fed up. However you feel about the pair, their latest theatrics have opened them up for criticism. The trailer, which has been drip-fed over the last week is, in true Sussex style, chock full of inaccuracies that they must deem the British public too stupid to notice. https://twitter.

Prince Harry’s life has been as dramatic as an episode of the Real Housewives franchise over the past few years — yet now it has resurfaced that he once dated an ex-cast member. Catherine Ommanney, who once featured on The Real Housewives of DC, appears to be so small-fry that she doesn’t even justify a Wikipedia page. In fact, when Cockburn was searching her name, a he noticed she periodically flashes up from time to time to rehash the sordid details about her fling with the prince. Maybe that’s his type: a woman that can’t keep schtum.

The JustStopOil activists are on the loose around Europe again. This time they’ve chosen to stop off at Madame Tussauds in London — the museum of life-sized wax replicas of famous celebrities and icons. So, who did they set their sights on? Kylie Jenner? Taylor Swift? Or any of the other gas-guzzling, private plane flying celebs? Nope. This time twenty-year-old Eilidh McFadden and twenty-nine-year-old Tom Johnson covered a waxwork model of King Charles III with chocolate cake. https://twitter.com/JustStop_Oil/status/1584491199771316225 Perhaps in their simple minds, this gesture made sense. Two fingers up to the Establishment and all that. But the new king is known for his extensive environmental campaigning.

“The Queen is dead, boys, and it’s so lonely on a limb.” So the ever-provocative Morrissey sang on the title track of the Smiths’ 1986 album. At the time, his wishes were regarded as little more than republican throat-clearing, shot through with satirical wit. In the same song, he imagined an unlikely encounter with the Queen, who remarks caustically, “Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing.” Some of his detractors might agree. But now, thirty-six years on, the Queen really is dead. Queen Elizabeth II, the longest-reigning monarch in British history, died on September 8, 2022 at the age of ninety-six. The second Elizabethan age — one that surpassed the first for both achievement and longevity — has come to an end.

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II last week, every national TV network in America dispatched crack squads of producers to London to cover the aftermath. Staff shortages meant that The Spectator opted to send Cockburn over on an economy flight, although he bets that if it was anyone else, they’d be flying classy. After Cockburn got over the screaming kids and bad liquor on his JetBlue plane, he decided to start at Buckingham Palace. This was, in hindsight, a huge mistake. In fact, Cockburn would go as far to say that the British royal family’s HQ is host to a cabal of the worst humans on earth. Loud, crying Americans, British oiks taking smiling selfies, Instagram moms laying flowers down seven times to make sure that their dutiful camera man got the best angle of their ass.

Cockburn is saddened by the news emerging from Britain about Queen Elizabeth II earlier, after Buckingham Palace announced that they were "concerned for her health." The Palace statement said, “Following further evaluation this morning, the Queen's doctors are concerned for Her Majesty's health and have recommended she remain under medical supervision," adding, "the Queen remains comfortable and at Balmoral." After the news, king-in-waiting Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall made their way to Balmoral, the Queen's Scotland home. They were followed shortly after by Prince William and his wife Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. The Queen's other children, Anne, Andrew and Edward are also on their way to Balmoral.