Columns

Politics: Cameron cannot escape a verdict on Strasbourg

‘I don’t really worry about David and the European Court of Human Rights,’ one right-wing member of the then shadow cabinet told me months before the last election. After a fortifying mouthful of steak, he continued: ‘The truth is that, whatever the policy is now, as soon as the court tells him he can’t deport some terrorist and the papers start giving it to him in the neck, he’ll go absolutely mental and insist on reform.’ The moment has arrived. Abu Qatada — believed to have been the intellectual inspiration for several terrorist groups and, at one point, Osama bin Laden’s ambassador in Europe — is to be freed on bail because of a ruling by the court in Strasbourg. The government is trying to appeal against the verdict.

The philosophy of modern Britain: I must have it and I must have it right now

It’s not all doom and gloom, then. A new study suggests that we are turning into aborigines — or Indigenous Australians, to use the more acceptable term. Various anthropological investigations have depicted aborigines as being remarkably cheerful, laid-back and contented, all of which are admirable qualities. They also have a tendency to defecate wherever they are standing, according to one of the first investigations (1929) into their behaviour, from the Hungarian psychoanalyst and anthropologist, Geza Roheim. When nature calls, Roheim asserted, the aborigine simply squats and has done with it; he has not the slightest notion of deferred gratification. He is, in all possible meanings of the phrase, easygoing. So too with our children.

How a saintly airline representative at Luton made us all feel better about the world

I think her first name was Denise. It was hard to discern on her small easyjet name badge; but the surname was certainly Williams. So let’s call her Denise Williams. The name matters less than the circumstance. It was Luton Airport departures corridor (gates 1 to 8 to the best of my recollection); the time was Sunday 5 February, from before dawn until at least lunchtime. This (you may remember) was the morning after snow had blanketed most of England; and south-eastern airports including Luton were in the near-ritual state of mayhem we all but demand of our transport infrastructure when there’s snow. It gives us something to talk about. ‘My airport hell’ stories are uninteresting. Airports are not hell. Honestly, try hell, and you’ll prefer Luton.

A gorefest in which everyone dies horribly: here’s my book recommendation for kids

One of my new hobbies as I get older is corrupting the young. I did so again the other day with a superbright, very nicely brought-up 11-year-old called Tilly. Her mother was trying to persuade her to read Swallows And Amazons. ‘No, wait, I’ve something much more fun, leedle girl,’ I said. ‘Try this!’ The book I was recommending to her was The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (shortly to be released as this year’s must-see kiddie flick). It’s not exactly literature. In fact it’s not literature at all. But you only realise this when you’ve reached the increasingly feeble second and third books in the trilogy. With the first one you’re too gripped by the storyline to care. And so it was with Tilly.

Politics: Parliament’s power surge

Bob Diamond, the chief executive of Barclays bank, is not a man inclined to bend to the public mood. ‘There was a period of remorse and apology for banks,’ he told MPs this time last year. ‘I think that period needs to be over.’ His remarks presaged the coming confrontation between Diamond and Parliament over the Barclays bonus pool. He may think the bankers’ period of remorse and apology should be over but MPs and the public do not. The Labour leadership, sensing a political opening, is determined to have the Barclays bonuses debated on the floor of the House. We will soon find out where this Diamond scores on the Mohs scale of hardness.

The City is used to ignoring MPs, because they don’t matter. Or at least they didn’t

It’s not strange that bankers have so much more money than anybody else. It’s like the way that women who work in sweet shops are always fat. Not a profound point, I’ll grant you, but it’s striking how rarely you see it made. In other industries, this sort of thing is pretty much a given. If you went around to Christian Louboutin’s house, you wouldn’t be surprised if Mrs Louboutin had an unusually vast number of shoes, would you? Sure, there might not be a Mrs Louboutin; not a punt I’d like to make with a French shoe designer, but you get the point. People who work in theatre get a lot of theatre tickets, and people who work in banks get a lot of cash. They’re swimming in the stuff. It all goes through them.

Politics: Why a double dip won’t save Ed Miliband

It wasn’t meant to be this way. The Tories used to joke that after a year and a half in office they would be the most unpopular government in history. Instead, they find themselves five points ahead in the polls. To their surprise, and Labour’s consternation, they are in a far stronger position now than they were at the last election. To understand what’s going on, look no further than this week’s vote on welfare reform. It epitomised three of the most important trends in British politics: the addition of a harder edge to the Tory modernising agenda, the strategic confusion afflicting Labour, and the disconnect between the Lib Dem leaders and their party. Together, these trends help explain why the Tories are ahead even as the economy is contracting.

We all take risks. Only some of us are punished

James Moriarty, Hannibal Lecter, Silas Lynch, Simon Legree, Iago, Iscariot, Schettino… pity Francesco Schettino:  all but doomed by his name alone. What a great name for an alleged villain. The skipper of the Costa Concordia, the cruise liner now wrecked off a Tuscan island whose name sounds like a typographical tweaking of ‘gigolo’, presents an Anglo-Saxon media in search of cliché with an embarrassment of riches. The disaster happened because (it’s claimed) Schettino was ‘attempting a “sail-by” salute to impress the islanders and passengers’. Tut tut. He fled his ship ahead of 100 passengers and crew. Boo hiss.

Peak oil really could destroy the economy – just not in the way greens think

If the global economy goes seriously tits up — as I believe it is about to do — the important thing is that we understand the actual reasons why it went tits up. Otherwise the drastic remedial action we’ll inevitably take to ensure that it never happens again may well result in the exact opposite. Consider, for example, that disturbingly tentacular collective of self-righteous hippyish busybodies Transition Towns. Here is an ideological movement which senses, as most of us do, that there’s something seriously amiss with western industrial civilisation.

Politics: Is Britain ready for an optimistic Prime Minister?

David Cameron is a sunny-side-up politician. At his first party conference as leader, he declared, ‘Let optimism beat pessimism. Let sunshine win the day.’ This attitude infused his approach to policy as well as politics. His economic doctrine was all about ‘sharing the proceeds of growth’. George Osborne, Cameron’s chief strategist, liked to stress that it was imperative that the Conservatives didn’t ‘sound like the old man on the park bench who says things were better in 1985, or 1955, or 1855. We have got to be the party that embraces the future.’ Then came the financial crisis. With banks collapsing, sunny rhetoric would have been horribly out of place. Cameron had to change both his course and his tone.

Bearded maniacs deserve justice, too

I’d like, this week, to draw your attention to the United Kingdom’s unjust treatment of some bearded maniacs. I realise, in writing this, that bearded maniacs may not be near the top of your list of stuff to worry about at the moment, or perhaps ever. Indeed it may even be the case that you think the world is an unjust place per se and that you would be very happy if its most egregious injustices were directed largely towards bearded maniacs, rather than the rest of us. In which case what follows may annoy you, for which apologies. Bearded Maniac No. 1 (BM1) is the ‘radical Muslim cleric’ Abu Qatada, who has just won his appeal against deportation from this country at the European Court of Human Rights.

Politics: Alex Salmond’s three-card trick

Not since 1745 has the union been in such danger. It now seems certain that there’ll either be a referendum on Scotland leaving the union in 2014 or that Westminster will have to resort to using the Supreme Court to stop Holyrood holding the vote, handing the Nationalists a huge propaganda victory. Support for independence in Scotland may stand at about a third, having not moved much over the years. But the campaign for it will be led by the most able politician in Scotland, the tactical equal of any politician in Britain, who runs the best campaign machine in the British Isles. No one should underestimate Alex Salmond and the Scottish National Party. David Cameron decided to act, I understand, after learning that Salmond was on manoeuvres.

Tony Blair is relentlessly self-sacrificing. He’s an example to us all

How can we persuade our former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, to devote a little more time to making money for himself and rather less time for his many charitable concerns? There is only so much a man should be expected to give, especially after a lifetime of public service. We have forgotten too quickly, I think, that he gave of himself — relentlessly and for a pittance — when he led this country for more than decade. It seems that now he is unable to get out of the habit and I am worried that he may well end up in penury, unless we can get the message across to him: Tony, just for once, think of yourself. Or if you can’t do that, at least think of Cherie.

No one regrets a railway once it’s built

Infrastructure. Still reading this? Well done, because the word alone will have lost half my readers at first sight. Infrastructure is a big idea dogged by a dreadful modern name. If Thomas Telford, John Rennie, Joseph Paxton, Isambard Kingdom Brunel or Joseph Bazalgette had been informed as little boys that they were to dedicate their lives’ work to something called infrastructure, they’d probably have become tinkers or tailors instead. No, in their minds it was the great glories of 18th- and 19th-century Britain that they were to build and have the honour of being forever associated with their names: roads, canals, bridges, fountains, gardens, towns, tunnels and railways.

I need you to tell me exactly where to go

Do you fancy playing God? Well now’s your chance. This week I’m offering one of you a unique proposition: you get to decide what happens to the rest of my life. Not just my life but, more importantly, the lives of Girl, Boy and the Fawn. (But not the Rat: he’s OK, he has grown up and moved out.) You get to decide where we live, and, by logical extension, who our new friends are, what we do in our spare time and, ultimately, whether or not we die hideously in a pool of abject misery or go on to experience a modicum of happiness in this vale of tears. Here’s the deal. We’re moving out of London; we’re looking for somewhere to rent in the country but we’re really not sure where or what or how.

Politics: Who will speak for the middle 98 per cent?

The year has begun with the British political class obsessing about the government’s new housing benefit cap. The cap is a sensible move to make sure that no one can claim more than £20,000 a year in housing benefit. It will save money. But, politically speaking, it is a ‘wedge issue’ of the sort usually deployed by American politicians. Its purpose is to force Labour to choose between an uncomfortable position and an unpopular one. Are you on the side of taxpayers, the Tories will ask, or of those being subsidised to live in places that most workers could not afford? Labour has, predictably, failed to avoid the trap.

Is it empowering for women to have their baps inflated?

I wonder what explanation will be found for the mysterious discovery of a woman’s body tucked behind a hedge on the royal estate of Sandringham? The obvious answer — that she was murdered and partially eaten by a senior member of the royal family, or perhaps a number of royal family members operating as a pack — is, I think, too easily arrived at, too pat. It is true that the Queen and Prince Philip, along with the Wessexes, were in situ over the Christmas holidays. And one might add as corroborating evidence that the royals have been publicly criticised for shooting raptors on the estate and so perhaps diverted their bloodlust towards the pursuit of humans, suspecting that this might occasion less opprobrium. But I still do not quite buy it.

How can I make my peace with the ceaseless march of sport?

It’s more of a vague aspiration than a new year’s resolution, but 2012, I have decided, is going to be the year in which I come to terms with sport. Because I’m going to have to. Because I suspect that not being keen on sport in London in the year of the Olympics is going to be like not being keen on swastikas in Paris in 1940. When the flags roll down Marble Arch, when the foreign dignitaries sweep through town as if they own it, it’s not going to be something that one can ignore. And, while I’m aware that ‘just get with the programme’ would not have been suitable advice for occupied Parisians, I’m also aware that my instinctive comparison between the Nazis and the International Olympic Committee may be a touch, erm, de trop.

Politics: Can the coalition survive a good year for the Tories?

Westminster used to think that 2012 would be the year that the ‘feel-good factor’ returned. Back in May 2010, all three parties expected the economic mood to lift. Combine that with the Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and it seemed a good bet that, come September, the country would be smiling. Labour frontbenchers feared that David Cameron would seize his chance to go to the country in search of a majority of his own. Now even the most optimistic believe that the economy will remain in a critical condition. Yet, against the odds, Cameron remains in the ascendant. The Conservatives are polling significantly ahead of their performance in the last general election.

You have to be very careful who you murder these days

So, another year closes and, with it, the window of opportunity for murdering transgendered people. Henceforth it will simply not be worth the effort. Hitherto you could have murdered one of these sorts of person and have been out of prison in rather less than a decade. Now, though, thanks to the Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke, the tariff for murdering a transgendered person will double, to a full 30 years. In most other cases, Ken wants jail tariffs reduced or removed altogether, but when it comes to certain ‘hate crimes’ then, like Guardian leader writers, he undergoes a weird metamorphosis and becomes suddenly avid for the gallows. Of course, trying to divine what goes through some murderer’s mind — hatred, or just a psychopathic dislike?