MPs to investigate Britain’s Eurovision humiliation

As if MPs haven’t wasted enough time on Gaza, a select committee has found another pressing national crisis to investigate: why Britain is so crap at Eurovision. The Digital, Media and Sport committee will probe the country’s ‘dismal’ record, examining how songs and acts are selected for the musical jamboree. Westminster has finally found a subject on which it can speak with authority: public humiliation.

In May, UK act Look Mum No Computer came last with a pitiful one point. In 2023, ultra-woke songstress Mae Mullet finished second from bottom, while James Newman came last in 2021. The BBC is responsible for selecting our acts. An embarrassing performance, inflicted on the public at its own expense? At least the corporation is sticking to what it knows.

Announcing the inquiry, committee chair Caroline Dinenage said: ‘We want to get to the bottom of who chooses our entrant, on what basis and whether our dismal record of achievement in recent years (apart from Sam Ryder) is the result of bad song choice, weak performance… or something else’.

She added: ‘Clearly there have been different approaches tried over the years. But who decides who makes it into that shortlist? I think all these things are worth looking at. We need to look at what the process is and what other processes have been tried.’

Bad song choice, weak performance and a mysterious ‘something else’: Mr S suspects several MPs will find the inquiry uncomfortably close to home.