The Mercedes G-Wagon, the Geländewagen, is a beautiful word on the tongue, even if it means ‘off-road vehicle’. But Mercedes, which sounds like a long and expensive hiss, is good at noise. There is no better door slam than the G-Wagon’s and no more pleasing sound to a door handle pushed inwards with the ball of the thumb. The G-Wagon was designed at the suggestion of the last Shah of Iran and that’s a good reasons to love it. I sometimes attend rallies that are pro-Iran (and anti-Islamic Republic of Iran) because I love the cause, and the campness of the iconography: the Lion of Iran hugging the Lion of Israel. Now we have an inspirational car too, and it works thematically, being likewise camp and savage. I don’t know what the Islamic Republic of Iran’s themed car should be – spiritually it needs a pick-up truck, we saw the videos – but it prefers something called IKCO Samand, which Car Magazine, in 2018, gave two (out of five) stars for performance, and three (out of five) stars for feelgood factor, which made me laugh, because I didn’t know the feelgood factor applies to Iran. It’s a saloon for state-sponsored murder, then, and not a good one. It’s based on the old Peugeot 405, which the Peugeot did nothing to deserve, and Car Magazine, which is not easily moved to spite, called ‘crude, slow, and unsophisticated’.
First, the G-Wagon’s soul, which is the most important thing in an age where almost all cars are excellent. (I have already forgotten the IKCO Samand.) It is two cars really, or one split into two halves, in tune with the spirit of the age, at least in a floundering democracy: a military vehicle that Abba, the Rich Kids of Instagram and I want to drive. It is also – and this is crucial – electric: the first electric G-Wagon. Pope Leo XIV has one, gifted by Mercedes in 2024, which doesn’t surprise me: few places are as savage, and camp, as Vatican City. The papal G-Wagon is white for purity – signature pearl white is the official designation – with black detailing, Nappa leather and the number plate SCV 1 (Stato della Città del Vaticano 1). It also has a throne, a very red carpet and it is topless, so Leo can be seen by the believers.
This one is no less gaudy. It is a lovely mid-blue colour, and my favourite square shaped car, a box on wheels. The G-Wagon is as retro as the Beatles or Tupperware and as enduring because it is probably the best-styled and most distinctive SUV, if you don’t mind its squareness. But, like its rival the Land Rover Defender, it is fiercely styled up: truffle-brown seats; walnut trim; two small TVs in the back if the world as it is does not enchant you, and you need another one. These are not cars for dogs or soldiers. I heard they are for gangsters and so I drove through Penzance playing ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ with the windows down until my son, 13, begged me to stop in case someone – he meant another 13-year-old boy of his acquaintance – saw him. So, I dropped him off, collected a female friend, 54, and did it again. If we looked absurd, we were very happy.
I accept electric cars now: this may weigh three tons but, with 0-62mph in 4.7 seconds and a top speed of 112mph, it is fast enough. I discussed the loss of the tonguing throb of petrol last week – the noise of the combustion engine – but Mercedes, which specialises in sound, has a solution. The car has a soundtrack – a theme tune! – which it needs, because silent cars can be frightening. It’s called the G-ROAR, though I wouldn’t have bothered publicising it with a name, I would have kept it a surprise – and it’s piped in through speakers. It’s designed to mimic a V8 engine, and when I first heard it I was shocked, and then I laughed. Still, if you don’t want your car to impersonate its dead petrol friend, you turn it to comfort mode, and it stops.
How does it handle, you ask? Well, it handles like a three-ton military vehicle styled for people to look at you and feel envy as you drive it through Penzance at 20mph; and for that, at £141,065 and rising – this one was £174,790 – it is worth the money. If initially you think it might be absurd, I find it addictive: gleaming and solid. Its off-road ability is apparently matchless, but I don’t get the chance to try it, and I think this is the point of it, and all great modern art these days. It is paradise unlooked for, decadent and lovely.
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