“We are so excited to be joined by Kash and his beautiful girlfriend Alexis,” said Katie Miller, wife of Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller, on this week’s podcast. And there, on the couch next to her, sits FBI Director Kash Patel and Alexis Wilkins, his significant other, a country-music singer and conservative political commentator, a female twenty-something Bob Roberts for our modern age.
“So I just want to clarify,” Miller says. “You’re not Jewish.”
“I’m not,” Wilkins says, while Patel laughs beside her.
“You are not from Israel.”
“No.”
“So how did we get to are you a Mossad agent?”
Well, we got there because in August former FBI agent Kyle Seraphin, who has a podcast of his own, accused Wilkins of running a “honeypot” scheme on behalf of the Israeli government to entrap Patel. “But I’m sure that’s totally because, like, she’s really looking for like a cross-eyed, you know, kind of thickish built, super cool bro who’s almost 50 years old who’s Indian in America,” Seraphin said. “Anyway, I’m sure that’s totally just, like, love,” he said. “That’s what real love looks like.” Maybe it is. The heart what it wants. Wilkins has sued Seraphin, as she should, for defamation, asking for a $5 million reward.
But back to the Katie Miller show. “Where is her ring?” Miller asked Patel, holding up a hand. Wilkins has been hinting on social media that she longs for Patel to pop the question, despite their 20-year age difference. They both laugh awkwardly at that question, and then Patel looks nervous when she asks, “has there been one moment where you’re both like, you can’t make this up?” As Meatloaf once sang: I want to know right now! Do you love me? Will you love me forever?
Patel has gotten quite a bit of heat for using federal planes to travel to see Wilkins in Nashville, because the FBI Director is apparently too busy to fly commercial. And the heat has intensified this week because this podcast came out as the FBI is searching for the Brown University shooter, even though it was obviously pre-taped. “Just to clarify,” Miller asked Wilkins. “How often has he traveled to see you since January 20?”
The answer is either too often, or not often enough. Or just maybe we really shouldn’t know this much about the private life of the FBI Director. It’s like the exact opposite of, say, the private life of J. Edgar Hoover, who was long-rumored to have a secret love affair with his chief deputy, Clyde Tolson, according to one biographer, a relationship “so close, so enduring, and so affectionate that it took the place of marriage for both bachelors.” If anyone said anything about that relationship, they got a little visit. The FBI director’s personal life was on a need-to-know basis. And Americans did not need to know.
Instead, we have Kash Patel, acting like a secondary character on The Real Housewives of Pennsylvania Avenue, hemming and hawing about when he’s going to put a ring on it. This is the FBI Director we’re talking about here. He doesn’t “date”. We don’t need to know whether or not he got to second base last night. Find the killer. Indict the bad guys. Save speculations about your “special relationship” with a non-Mossad agent for the biographers.
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