With the days getting shorter, it is time we got our woollen trench coats out of the winter wardrobe. Meanwhile, a peculiar event happens for middle-class dogs: outerwear becomes crucial for even a short trot outside.
What happened to personal responsibility?
One of my biggest grievances – which persists despite contradicting most of my libertarian principles – is dogs in coats. Before the agricultural revolution, the late Pleistocene hunter-gatherers living in Eurasia started to domesticate wolves – the first step, almost 30,000 years ago, towards having a dachshund to defend against delivery drivers with their ferocious bark. It is fascinating that it is the dogs who happen to inhabit the boroughs of Richmond, Battersea and Chelsea who have a particular penchant for outerwear. It is truly surprising to see that the Darwinian ‘survival of the fittest’ has required cosmopolitan canines to have an extra layer to avoid puddles on pavements.
Some may view their perfect pooches as deserving only the best; clearly, this is is a lucrative luxury market. Polo Ralph Lauren offers a cricket jumper for pugs, Burberry dog collars at almost double the price, and Celine a dog mattress for £5,400. Very reasonable, I’m sure.
Looking outside any Gail’s, it appears that waterproof jackets and quilted gilets are vital for strolling the streets of treacherous London, although a stab-proof vest might be more apt in Sadiq Khan’s London. But this fashion choice presupposes a frailty in dogs. Winston Churchill was typified by a bulldog. And yet I would find it hard to imagine his spirit animal sporting an anorak.
What happened to hardiness and proper dogs? With the popularity of Labradors falling in favour of French Bulldogs and cockapoos, hyper-selective breeding has resulted in animals poorly suited to the temperate climate. Perhaps this should be a factor taken into consideration when purchasing your pet, although I do concede that greyhounds, who sport the heroin-chic aesthetic, are one of the few breeds that could do with some additional warmth.
But just as you wouldn’t put a Chihuahua in the Arctic, it would be ludicrous to put a German Shepherd or Retriever in some extra padding. We all know that ‘dogs die in hot cars’, and in a jacket, a Mastiff can certainly succumb to heat exhaustion. My dog, a golden retriever, is a case in point as to the resilience of dogs without being ‘dressed to impress’.
One Boxing Day, we went on a rather long walk and ended up wading (with her swimming) through floodwater that was a metre high and rising. We didn’t give her a life jacket or carry her above our heads like some precious cargo. Instead, she doggy-paddled, in the truest meaning of the word, the kilometre along the path that was required of her. She was suitably rewarded with some Bonios when we got home.
Dogs donning outerwear reflects a broader failing in society: a consumerist environment so completely devoid of risk-taking that people would not dare to see a mild shiver from their Shih Tzu. It is a mission driven by the desire to coddle; we simply cannot presume our canine friends to be weak beings in need of an extra layer. That would undermine the bravery of our service animals, as dramatised by the enthralling cartoon Paw Patrol.
I can acknowledge that most dogs may not have the same intellect as the average Spectator reader, but they can at least learn the consequences of jumping in an icy river or spending too much time in a frosty garden. What happened to personal responsibility? Perhaps I am merely being pedantic. But an indisputable point is that they simply look quite silly.
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