Picture the scene. You have bravely battled onto the set of MasterChef Australia, hoping that your strawberry pavlova or similar hero dish is going to be the one that sends the judges into gasps of culinary ecstasy. Then the producers and host smile conspiratorially at you and reveal that the stakes (as opposed to steaks) have been raised. There will be a guest judge, they tell you, a figure who is “a global icon, a philanthropist, a humanitarian, a woman known around the world for her heart, her voice and her deep love for home cooking”. You draw a deep breath. Who on earth is this multi-faceted hyphenate, you wonder, an all-in-one combination of saint, queen and legend?
Well, the answer soon comes, and it is none other than the Duchess of Sussex, diversifying from her less-busy-than-it-was schedule to make a much-hyped guest appearance on MasterChef Australia as the star attraction for the latest episode. During her turn, she not only trots out her usual catchphrase – “Call me Meghan” – precision-designed to put awestruck celebrities at ease in her presence but also does her usual fawning and smirking routine.
The Sussexes are, alas, no longer the box office draw that they once were
Meghan’s children are mentioned in the most gushing of terms – we learn that any components of pudding that they want must be gathered from their Montecito garden. The Duchess also loses no opportunity to extol the virtues of the program that she has undoubtedly been paid a handsome (and much-needed) fee to appear on. “Who isn’t a MasterChef fan? It’s such a great show.” The obvious response – that it was better before Meghan appeared on it – is not made.
Anything that the Sussexes do is always done with the single-minded intention of strengthening Brand Sussex, and this proved to be no exception. An awkward video-call cameo by Prince Harry, appearing from nearby Canberra (“with the veterans”) makes it quite clear to viewers, as well as the studio contestants, that the couple are very deeply in love and that “H,” as he is referred to, is the epitome of the supportive, invested husband. Meghan drops the tidbit that the fifth in line to the throne “loves a lot of meat, potatoes, cream sauces.” When the serial litigant does appear, there is some awkwardly scripted banter of the “is this thing on?” variety, all of which allows Meghan to refer to her husband as a “charmer” afterwards.
The episode, which was filmed in Melbourne in April, saw Hello magazine praise Meghan as “effortlessly elegant.” But few others are likely to be as impressed by what seems like an increasingly desperate attempt to build on the non-existent momentum accrued by the complete failure of her cookery show With Love, Meghan. I suspect that one motivation, apart from whatever fee she was offered, for MasterChef’s Australian version being preferable to the British incarnation is that if a more cynical English audience were to be presented with the global icon, philanthropist and humanitarian, there might have been a lively round of booing and mickey-taking.
Its airing comes shortly after a private family visit by the Sussexes to Britain, which has, of course, led to Instagram pictures of them heading to Princess Diana’s former family home of Althorp. During the stay, there was a reconciliation between the King, his younger son and his daughter-in-law on July 10. Charles saw his grandchildren for the first time in many years and, no doubt, conversational topics were kept on family matters and the weather rather than anything that might have led to wider controversy. One cannot imagine the monarch and Meghan comparing notes on their various streaming deals – his with Amazon’s Finding Harmony and hers with Netflix – not least because the Sussexes are, alas, no longer the box office draw that they once were.
It is particularly unfortunate that this is the case as, in a couple of days, Mr. Justice Nicklin will be handing down his costs order against Harry and his fellow litigants in their failed case against Associated Newspapers. While the numbers flying around may have been exaggerated, the Duke of Sussex, Sir Elton John and the others are going to be on the hook for millions, probably tens of millions. It was not a very good idea for Harry to have blasted the judgment as a “whitewash” a few hours after it was delivered, given that such things have a habit of leading to ever-heavier punitive damages.
Whatever happens, the Sussexes will be looking around for yet more money-spinning opportunities such as MasterChef Australia in the coming weeks and months to pay the no doubt considerable bill. Meghan left the program trilling “I have loved every second of being here.” She will be hoping, for the sake of the family accounts, that the feeling has been mutual.
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