A Mr Burnham, A.M. (Andrew Murray) fancies being PM and Labour MPs have decided to humour him. Needing to assert what a democratic triumph this is, they will welcome ideas from Menander, the ancient Greek orator.
Menander would suggest starting their acclaim as follows: ‘With favourable omens have you come to us, as splendid as a bright day of sunshine, appearing to us from on high. A welcome report announced your auspicious arrival and the good fortune that your subjects had fervently prayed for.’
MPs should then explain why he is needed, not slandering the previous leader but suggesting the subjects were unhappy, and go on: ‘Just as if night and darkness had held the world in its grip, you appeared like the sun to our eyes and scattered all our hardships at once. Now that our afflictions have passed by like a cloud, all the people have breathed a sigh of relief and we come to greet you, beaming with joy.’ Next, mention his deeds and describe in detail his hometown (Culcheth), depicting its landscape and drawing on its best-known features.
Applaud the deeds of his family and continue: ‘We are confident that someone born from such parents, who strives to match his forebears, will be good and just to us, because they were just. No one will be imprisoned unjustly or punished unjustly by law; the rich man will not be favoured; the just plea of the poor man will not fall to the ground; let the rich stop boasting of their riches and the poor cease lamenting their powerlessness. Being moderate, he will be superior to the allure of gain or pleasures.’
And for an epilogue, try: ‘We have come to meet you, all with our families, welcoming you with joy, greeting you with praises, calling you their saviour and protector and brightest star, while our children call you their provider and the saviour of their fathers.’
So much for a starter. They can Starmer him later.
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