Steerpike

It’s hard enough to get Tory MPs through the same division lobby, let alone  to get them to sit around the same table. So when government ministers William Hague, Iain Duncan Smith, Grant Shapps, Esther McVey and Francis Maude join prominent backbenchers Robert Halfon, Charlotte Leslie and Nigel Evans, plus 150 of their colleagues, for lunch, you know it’s serious. The Conservative Friends of Israel annual jamboree, held today, was an impressive feat of logistics if nothing else. With the Foreign Secretary fresh off the plane from Geneva, it was always going to be a tough gig selling a nuclear deal with Iran to supporters of Israel.

In September 2012 Mr Steerpike revealed that 14 Tory MPs had signed letters to Graham Brady, the Chairman of the 1922 Committee, calling for a leadership challenge to David Cameron. Today, Adam Afriyie, the alleged leader-in-waiting (who has not written to Graham Brady), called a vote on his amendment to James Wharton's EU Referendum Bill. The amendment is designed to bring forward the plebiscite to 2014, because it’s Afriyie’s belief that delaying the vote until 2017 will cost the Tories the next election. Mr Afriyie won just 15 votes. A coincidence? Probably not, but it’s certainly a telling sign of just how small the real anti-Cameron brigade is.

The news that Hull has been crowned the UK’s City of Culture for 2017 was discussed at PMQs. The PM extolled the virtues of the city, and made special mention of native eighties alt rockers The Housemartins. However, with a crashing sense of inevitability, the band’s founder, Paul Heaton, was unhappy with the endorsement: ‘Well, apparently David Cameron likes ‘London 0 Hull 4’. Which part of the attack on his policies and rich friends did he like best???’  The poor wee lamb ranted for a while about Thatcherism, and then concluded: ‘Cameron has ruined my day.’ My heart bleeds. Still, you would have thought that Cameron might have learned his music lesson by now.

Congratulations to Labour’s Gavin Shuker for some spectacular brown nosing. The Luton MP has thrilled readers of his blog with an account of him playing the ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ boardgame. It’s a riveting read: ‘I worked my way through all fifteen questions effortlessly, and nailed that £1 million – much to the annoyance of everyone else playing. But then again, they should have seen it coming. It really helps when your phone a friend can feature Ed Balls on economics, Douglas Alexander on geography, and Andy Burnham on the NHS.’ He concludes that he’s ‘one of life’s winners’. Pass the sick bucket.

Foaming at the mouth is rarely a good sign. In dogs, it can indicate nausea, anxiety or (at worst) rabies. But what about in a Leader of the Opposition? Should we be nervous? During an interview with Sky News today, Ed Miliband was visibly frothing at the mouth, while explaining how he has 'embarked on a major reform' of the Labour party. Steerpike would like to suggest two diagnoses. One: that in future, Miliband should delay the post-lunch interview to avoid further frothing. And two: that the Tories can cut back on their campaign to paint Miliband as unprimeministerial. He does the work for them.

The Sunday Sport, that esteemed paper of record, has replied to Ed Miliband in the matter of Ralph Miliband killing a kitten with a bicycle during WW2, which Miliband described while accepting one of our Parliamentarian of the Year awards last week. The paper says: ‘A WIDOW whose beloved pet kitten was KILLED by the Marxist Dad of Ed Miliband is demanding a face-to-face meeting with the Labour leader. Last month we revealed how the late academic Ralph Miliband ran over Eunice Clark’s  pet Winston while drunkenly riding his bicycle in 1944. Eunice, now 78, was only nine then - but time has failed to ease the upset of losing her cat, which she’d received only weeks before as a Christmas present.

John Bercow has opened a new front in his war with Tory MPs: he has apparently withdrawn the very fine Speaker Bercow’s Whisky from the gift shop in Parliament. The £30 10 year old single malt was a favourite Tory tipple, and not only for the amusement of joke toasts to Bercow but because it was actually drinkable. The troops are already convinced that Bercow is biased, and they cannot stand his pomposity. Could being forced back on the £23 House of Commons blended scotch be the final humiliation? UPDATE: Good news! The Speaker's minions have been in touch to inform Mr S that the whisky is still on sale, despite the lamentations of various Tory MPs.

Ed Miliband stole the show at this year's Spectator Parliamentarian of the Year awards. The Labour leader, who won a new prize called Political Speech of the Year (for the energy freeze pledge, which ‘transformed his fortunes’), took the chance to read out a Sunday Sport story which accused his ‘Belgian communist’ father of ‘killing a cat’ when cycling through the British countryside during the war. Ed charmed the crowd by being funny, good on camera and, you know, normal. Home Secretary Theresa May, who took the Politician of the Year award, despite her recent burka-related difficulties, was a hoot.