Steerpike

As the Liberal Democrats fight for survival in the general election, word reaches Mr S that things in the yellow camp may be even more dire than first thought. Mr S received this Lib Dem leaflet from one of his sources, the small print of which seems totally incomprehensible. Surely things can't be so bad that the party can no longer afford spaces between words? As you can see, it's pretty hard to read: Even when you get closer: And closer: Mr S is getting election fatigue just looking at it. Maybe it's just best not to read the small print.

It's St George's Day so to celebrate Ukip held a press conference where they gifted red and white jester hats adorned with St George's flags to journalists. Talk soon turned to the real crux of the matter: as a foreigner of alleged Turkish descent, would Ukip have allowed St George entry into the country? Patrick O'Flynn was on hand to answer the pressing immigration query: 'If Ukip were in power in the third century then yes I suppose St George would be allowed in the country. He is a skilled migrant, he could slay dragons.' A Ukip party spokesman has since gone one step further and suggested that St George would even be allowed into the country in the present day were Ukip in power, as 'a points based system' would look fondly on his case.

Nigel Farage has fought off accusations that he's an invisible candidate in South Thanet, claiming to have held more public meetings than all of the other candidates put together. But are Ukip getting ahead of themselves in the ultra-tight race on the Kent coast? Mr S hears that invitations are already circulating for an election night party in the constituency, hosted by fun-loving donor Arron Banks. Organising the victory party two weeks out from polling day looks complacent at best. Sources familiar with party planning have revealed to Mr S that the multi-millionaire tycoon has invited people to join him in the constituency on election night and drinks will certainly be served. Yet Ukip spinners stonewalled when asked to 'confirm or deny' that the event was taking place.

You have to hand it to the Liberal Democrats: they know how to put out a press release. Following accusations in the Guardian that Grant Shapps or someone ‘under his clear direction’ has been editing Wikipedia pages of his rivals, the Lib Dems have put out a press release dripping in sarcasm from Paddy Ashdown: ‘Grant Shapps is a fine man and has never done anything dodgy’. Here is the full text: Grant Shapps is a wonderful human being, a literary great and has in no way ever brought his party or politics into disrepute, the Chairman of the Liberal Democrat General Election Campaign said.

After Mr S's colleague Camilla Swift wrote of the Twitterstorm that engulfed David Cameron after Andrew Marr claimed on air that the PM had declared foxhunting to be his favourite sport, the presenter has now come clean about the interview. Marr has admitted to The Spectator on Twitter that he was wrong to claim that Cameron told Countryside Alliance magazine that foxhunting was his favourite sport: https://twitter.com/laidmanr His confession comes after the BBC press office failed to respond to calls for comment from The Spectator.

Tory campaign boss Lynton Crosby invited the former Australian Prime Minister John Howard into Conservative Party HQ on Thursday afternoon to give staff and ministers a mid-campaign pep talk. Firing up his audience with tales of beating Labour down under, Mr S hears the bit where Crosby's one-time client lost both the 2007 election and his own seat, did not make it into the speech. After the Conservatives manifesto cover was lifted from the Aussie Liberal Party - another Crosby client - MPs are wondering what else will be 'borrowed' by the antipodean guru. 'He'll have us in cork hats by polling day,' sighs one member of the old guard.