Steerpike

When the Conservatives won a surprise majority in the election, many businesses breathed a collective sigh of relief that the two Eds would not have a chance to implement their 'anti-business' policies. Retail expert Mary Portas appeared to express her own personal relief when she appeared at Hay this week to discuss her memoir. Portas, who was appointed by David Cameron to head a review into Britain's high streets, recalled an awkward encounter she had with Ed Balls on a train: 'I saw Ed Balls on the train once and he was so pleased that he’d negotiated a mammogram centre in an Asda in his constituency. I thought ‘quelle horreur’. Can you imagine getting your boobs out after just buying a packet of Asda ham?

Harriet Harman was on fighting form in Parliament today when she responded to the Queen's Speech. Between telling David Cameron to watch his back for Tory leadership hopeful Boris Johnson and remembering the Ed Stone, Harman paid tribute to Simon Burns, who gave the first speech. Speaking about the Tory MP, she revealed that in his heyday he was something of a ladies man who 'cut quite a dash' back in the 1980s. In fact, she likened him to a young Robert Redford. Alas, Harman concluded that Burns now bears more of a resemblance to Jeremy Clarkson than the Hollywood star. No word on whether Burns thinks Harman's looks have stood the test of time.

Given that Peter Hitchens' weekly column was absent from the Mail on Sunday the week before the general election, Mr S was glad to have the opportunity to hear his thoughts on the election at the Hay festival. Taking to the Telegraph stage this morning, Hitchens joined Johann Hari, David Aaronovitch and Bronwen Maddox for a panel discussion titled 'Election 2015: How was it for you?'. True to form, he began by criticising the Conservative government, claiming the Tories' majority win was down to 'lies and money'.

It isn't the type of kiss-and-tell story Mr S is used to reading in the Sunday papers, but Lynton Crosby has today spoken about an election smooch he shared with the Chancellor of the Exchequer. The Sunday Times reports that George Osborne was so convinced that the Conservatives would not win a majority in the election that he promised to French kiss Crosby if they managed to win enough seats. However, with the party storming to victory, Osborne had to honour his promise and kiss Crosby. The election strategist confirmed the incident to the paper: 'It's true. His aftershave still haunts me. Fortunately tongues remained withdrawn. The pledge was on election day. The consummation was the day after at No 10.' No word on what Osborne's wife Frances makes of the encounter.

After Nigel Farage resigned as the leader of Ukip following his defeat in South Thanet, he hastily 'unresigned' days later. Not everyone was pleased by the quick turnaround, with Ukip MEP Patrick O'Flynn and party donor Stuart Wheeler criticising Farage over his reinstatement. This in-fighting resulted in both of Farage's personal advisers Raheem Kassam and Matthew Richardson leaving the party. However, while Ukip rebel O'Flynn has since appeared to have his comeuppance this week, standing down as the party's economics spokesman, times may also be a'changing for Farage's more loyal supporters. Although Kassam is now back with his former employer Breitbart London, word reaches Mr S that Richardson may go the same way as Farage and 'unresign'.

Former Labour MP Ed Balls has appeared on BBC news today in his first interview since he was ousted from his seat by the Tories. While he discussed Ed Miliband and the economy with Nick Robinson, conversation quickly turned to the question on everyone's lips: Will he appear on Strictly Come Dancing? 'Well I've run three marathons which means I'm fit, but am I really fit enough,' Balls, who is currently unemployed, told Robinson. 'The people who succeed on Strictly tend to be half my age and professional sportsman or have attended stage school so I'm not sure if I'm well enough equipped.' If rumours are true that his fellow ex-MP Vince Cable is being chased to appear on the show, Ed will at least be over two decades younger than one contestant.

Of all the MPs to pick a fight with, Dennis Skinner is not high on Mr S's list. Still, that hasn't stopped the new SNP intake from spending their first week in Parliament battling the 83-year-old Labour MP. The Scottish Nationalists have been trying to take over the bench where Labour's awkward squad likes to sit. This bench is where Skinner has sat for the past 40 years and he has no plans to sit anywhere else any time soon. Things have got so bad between the parties over the turf war that they held a crisis talk yesterday: https://twitter.com/schofieldkevin/status/601313013564583936 During the meeting MailOnline claim that Labour accused the SNP of 'bullying' Skinner.

Given that a horde of new MPs have recently descended on Parliament, it's understandable that staff may have some difficulty remembering everyone's name. Still, Mr S would have thought that any confusion could have been cleared up by simply looking to Hansard, which provides a report of proceedings of both the House of Commons and the House of Lords. However, even Hansard appears to be struggling to keep up. According to Hansard, David Lammy's middle name is London, while the new culture secretary is called John Flashy Whittingdale: https://twitter.com/ParlyApp/status/600953254487396352 In reality, their middle names are Lindon and Flasby. Happily, these names were at least used for the Votes and Proceedings document: https://twitter.

Although Jeremy Paxman spent several decades working for the BBC, the presenter took an opportunity at a Royal Television Society talk today to cast doubt over its future. With the BBC's charter renewal looming, the former Newsnight presenter said that the TV licence 'can't last': 'As platforms become interchangeable, as computers and televisions become indistinguishable, a tax on the ownership of a particular piece of technology becomes very, very hard to justify, I would say almost impossible.' Paxman even went so far as to suggest that the new culture secretary - and BBC enemy number one - John Whittingdale could be 'terribly good' for the Beeb.