Nick Newman

‘I expect you think I’m bonkers for taking money from Qatar.’

‘If you wish to swim competitively it’ll have to be in a separate category.’

‘Whatever else, rewilding has ruined crop circles!’

‘So he won the no-confidence vote?’

‘Hooray! My heating bill worries are over!’

‘So you work in the Downing Street press team?’

‘I find the price of bread a lot scarier.’

‘What with the cost of living, I’m not surprised she nicked our porridge.’

‘Putin wouldn’t dare do what?’

‘Not all MPs are abusive and predatory – some of us are greedy and corrupt.’

‘Thank heavens for no-fault divorce.’

‘Pity poor Rishi Sunak – he has four homes to heat.’

‘A stunt man does all my Oscar presenting.’