Mary Killen

Q. I have a friend whom I see quite often who keeps asking me if I will ‘get her invited’ for a weekend to the beautiful and luxurious country house of another friend. The country-house host is a long-standing friend and she barely knows the friend who wants to be invited. I wouldn’t dream of suggesting they invite her but am under constant pressure to do so. I am very fond of this first friend but am really embarrassed that she cannot see how pushy she is being and I don’t know how to get her to stop going on about this. What should I do? – F.G., Bath A. Next time the pushy friend chivvies you, put the ball into her own court. Say: ‘I am sure she would love to have you. You just need to gee her up a bit and let her get to know you.

Q. I left fashion school last year and since then I’ve spent most of my time applying for jobs and being rejected. (That’s only if they’re kind enough to send a rejection – most simply ghost me.) I finally have a job (the company does fast fashion) but when I tell my friends, who are all recent graduates, they mostly say: ‘Well I’m happy if you’re happy but I could never work for such an unethical brand.’ How should I reply without sounding unethical myself? – C.P., London SW18 A. Next time you meet with this response you can test the naysayers’ pomposity by replying: ‘Oh that’s a shame. Because they were asking me if I knew of any other talented young designers who were looking for work.’ Q.

Q. On a recent short-haul flight, I had the misfortune to be seated next to a much older man who read, for the entirety of the flight, an erotic novel on his Kindle. I tried to avert my eyes but the bright screen and lewd language kept catching my eye. I was stunned into silence for the 1.5 hours I was trapped next to him. Should I have said something, and if so, what? – L.R.B., Bristol A. Certain bridge players complain they can see others’ cards – and no doubt they can, but they don’t have to. Equally, lewd language on a next-door Kindle can only be seen with effort but you cannot be blamed for making that effort. Most book lovers would make the effort to assess the compatibility of an adjacent passenger.

Q. My husband and I (both in our eighties) recently visited a carpet shop with a view to replacing the stair carpet in our four-storey house. The salesman showed us various carpets and we discussed their relative merits. When I asked him how hard-wearing a particular carpet was, he looked at us carefully and said: ‘Well, it is not going to need to be very long-lasting is it?’ We were a bit surprised and will be taking our business elsewhere. But can you suggest how we might have been able to indicate to him politely that this particular form of words was unlikely to secure a sale? – R.H., Cheltenham A. You might have cried pleasantly, ‘What do you mean? We’ve just extended our lease by 20 years!’ and then stared at him enquiringly while he struggled to answer. Q.

Q. My husband never wants to go out to lunch on a day when he could be gardening but he has grudgingly accepted a wonderful forthcoming local event that I’m very keen to attend myself. Now I find from a fellow guest that our host is planning on seating him next to a woman who (she says) is ‘one of his biggest fans’. The feeling is not mutual – in fact, if my husband found out about this seating plan, he would definitely refuse to come. Yet now that I know about this, it would be disloyal and deceitful of me not to tell him. How can I resolve this without causing offence to our host? – Name and address withheld A. Confide in an influential third party that the leaked seating plan is causing anxiety for you.

Q. For the past couple of years, many of my sons’ friends have been gamely running the London Marathon for good causes. I received more than 15 emails this year, all asking for sponsorship. As much as I’d like to respond in the affirmative, I am not in a financial position to sponsor more than two at the most. They all know each other, so how do I go about choosing which ones to sponsor? – R.B., London SW9 A. Send out a group email saying that, as you aren’t able to give generously to each one of them, you will put all their names into a hat and the first two that you pick out will benefit. This way everyone will know your intentions are good and their requests haven’t just been ignored.

Q. Our son, 17, who is generally a credit to us, has started eating with his mouth open. It’s the only thing we don’t love about him. It’s not to do with sinuses and we don’t know if it’s a peer-pressure thing, but when we beg him to stop he always just laughs and insists that: ‘Eating with your mouth shut isn’t a thing any more.’ We are fretting because we have some very fastidious Americans coming to lunch who are important potential clients (and snobs). They are bringing their daughter, also 17, and have specifically asked that our son be there too. Help.  – Name and address withheld A. Serve food with a pre-masticated texture – for example cheese soufflé, followed by shepherd’s pie, followed by chocolate mousse.

Q. My son-in-law is running the Paris marathon to raise money for cystic fibrosis research and has sent out a mail shot to friends and family asking to be sponsored via justgiving.com. He has had a fabulous response. Some people have posted supportive messages alongside their names but have chosen to conceal the amount of money they are donating. Yet two supporters, who have been spectacularly generous, have anonymised their names –although not the giant sums of money that they have pledged. My son-in-law would like to know who these people are – what do you suggest he do? – A.E., Pewsey A. For practical reasons certain people make a deliberate choice to remain anonymous when giving money. Think it through.

Q. I have just returned from a holiday where I was the guest of someone extremely rich. She was emphatic that everything would be covered and I must not even think of bringing a present. However, after one lunch in a restaurant, I felt driven to make a gesture and quietly asked the waiter for the bill. The sum involved was the equivalent of two months’ rent for me, but worse, no one noticed I had paid.  When the time came, everyone just got up to leave and I realised our host has an account with the restaurant, so she would not have noticed either. How, without being vulgar, can I let her know the financial sacrifice I made in a sincere, if misguided, attempt to show my appreciation? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I’m very fond of a neighbour in our village and we see a lot of each other. She has told me she has got X, an acquaintance of mine, coming to stay and wants to bring her over for a drink before lunch on the Sunday. The trouble is X is a decorator and will ask if she can look around the house. I happen to know that she’s very nosy and indiscreet – but how can I say no? – Name and address withheld A. Why not pretend to be enthusiastic about the visit and then, on the day before, ring to say you are longing to see X but cannot possibly have anyone in your house as you have had the rat man in and there are disgusting smells emanating from under the floorboards – can you switch venues to your neighbour’s house? Q.

Q. Do you agree with me that it is very bad manners to ask for a wifi code as soon as you walk into a lunch in someone else’s house? I have a centrally located, although cramped, flat in Soho and am very happy to cook for friends and friends of friends, but it is a tough act to pull off single-handedly and it throws me when people ask for the wifi code as if supplying this is no more time-consuming than telling them where the loo is. Moreover, surely you should not even think of checking your emails and WhatsApps when invited to a non-professional lunch? – P.R., London W1 A.

Q. I used to work for a well-known decorator and have now branched out on my own. Some friends of my parents have asked me if I’d like to redecorate their reception rooms. They’re very nice people and I think they have partly given me the work to help me establish myself. I’m a few weeks into the project and the awkward thing is that they are pushing me into ordering fabrics etc that are pretty hideous, and I’m worried I shall be marked down by people who could be prospective clients as a decorator with no clue as to how to decorate a room with taste. – Name and address withheld A. There are more than enough decorators with good taste.

Q. I must be the only person with this problem but I would really welcome a solution. I have a lovely neighbour in the flat below who happily has my dog to stay when I go away. She also holds a set of keys to my flat so she can check all is well. This time I came back a day earlier than expected and couldn’t understand why my neighbour seemed flustered and embarrassed to see me. Now I find that my home massage gun, which I use to de-tense my neck and shoulders, is missing from my work table. I can only conclude that my neighbour couldn’t resist borrowing it, had meant to return it, but was flummoxed by my early return. Of course I forgive her but how can I possibly save her face? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My husband had my portrait painted for my 40th birthday and everyone says it is an amazing likeness. Now his business partner wants the same artist to capture his wife on canvas. We are anxious because, as my husband says, the wife is ‘no looker’ and the artist is not one to give a rose-tinted view of one of her sitters. Should we tactfully discourage this commission? – J.S., Northants A. Consider these words from one leading portraitist: ‘You want to reproduce the humanity, the character, rather than the appearance. Glamorous people are a nightmare to paint. As an artist I far prefer the “non-glamorous”. You can manipulate the situation – on the pose, don’t show too much of the face – have them looking slightly away.

Q. I did a one-year cookery course in London a couple of years ago and then set myself up in business. Someone I know, who did the course prior to me and is an established dinner-party caterer, has been passing on to me work she can’t do (if she already has a booking on that night, for example). A couple of these people have told me they prefer my style of cooking and won’t be using her again. This puts me in an awkward position and I don’t know how to explain that I am getting repeat business from her introductions. – S.R., Wantage A. Business is business and it could drive more salt into any perceived (by you) wound if you don’t acknowledge these switchover clients. Write a breezy email saying: ‘Thank you so much for the introductions to X and Y.

Q. When people come to stay for house parties, my husband – who already works a 60-hour week – does a lot of the unseen chores. He’s in charge of fires, drinks, seating plans, arranging outings, and he pays for everything. We are in our sixties and I know it is traditional etiquette to write and thank the ‘lady of the house’, but my husband really feels rather miffed that no one ever mentions him in their thank-you letters. How should I most tactfully encourage people to address their thank-you letters to both of us, rather than just to me, without seeming bossy? – G.M., West Sussex A. It may be more effective to clink your glass during dinner on the Saturday night and toast your husband for his huge contribution in the way of unseen chores.

Q. At my request, a friend arranged an invitation to lunch at an exclusive sporting club in a well-known resort. The friend did not accompany us, and on arrival my wife and I discovered our host to be a very senior member of the club and we were expected to join him at his own table. As lunch drew to a close and conversation flagged, I asked if I could walk around and inspect the various pictures of celebrity members, sportsmen, statesmen etc, which adorned the walls. In the course of my peregrination I was recognised by other club members who were eager to engage me in conversation. After a while my wife came up to me and told me our host was becoming annoyed at my absence.

Q. I am executor of a deceased bachelor whose will is clear that I should distribute his estate to his long-standing friends. There is no mention of what to do with family photos and heirlooms, which have little market value, but he hung on to them for sentimental reasons. I had thought to offer them to his two surviving blood relatives who are second cousins (and siblings to one another) and who, apart from a small pecuniary legacy, get nothing. Unfortunately, these relatives don’t talk to each other and cannot agree to fair shares each. What should I do? – D.L., Newcastle-under-Lyme A. Issue a photographic inventory of the sentimental items. Send a copy to each sibling and ask them to put their preferences in a long league table. Allocate accordingly.

Q. I have been in the wine trade all my working life. This has its pros and cons – dining at friends’ houses, for example, they invariably try to catch me out by serving decanted wine which I have to try to identify. My problem is that I am 50 this year and we have decided to celebrate with a large party. I realise, from comments made, that the pressure is on to serve top wines. I simply can’t afford these. How can I get round this without appearing stingy? – Name and address withheld A. Redirect the pressure by designing the party around wine discovery. Ask each guest to bring along their favourite best-value wine for under £20. You will judge and award a small prize to the ‘best in show’. Once opened, the bottles will be shared among the guests.

Q. I invited a rather wonderful, single (and fairly shy) man to supper. I had hoped to pair him with a single friend of mine and during the evening they got on extremely well. The problem is that, although I have received a thank-you postcard, he made no mention of my friend. We are both keen for feedback – what should we do? – Name and address withheld A. Shy men need confirmation that an overture would not be repulsed before they dare to make a move. Telephone him to say you have found a coat in your house and wonder if he left it behind. Use this call to communicate the favourable impression he made on your friend and to probe for his reaction. Q.