Mary Killen

Q. I have been invited (solo, not with my long-term partner) to a wedding next year. The format appears to be: ceremony, drinks reception, then the main wedding party is dining together before we all get back together for an evening celebration. In the hiatus, guests are encouraged to eat in one of the local restaurants – a list is provided. How do I discreetly find out which of my friends might be attending? I texted a friend who I assumed would be invited, only to get ‘NFI’ as a response. I’m now wary of approaching others. – Name and address withheld A. It is quite acceptable to go directly to the bride or groom and ask them to identify any of your friends with whom you might arrange to join up during the hiatus.

From Henry Blofeld Q. The other day I went to an all-male dinner party of about 20 people in a highly respectable club. I spent the first few minutes shaking hands with most of the other people there and was horrified to find that quite a number of them kept their left hands in their trouser pockets while I did so. I was brought up to believe that this is extremely discourteous and I think it looks so sloppy. I have no idea what the official etiquette is, but I am delighted to have been given the chance to find out. What do you think, Mary? A. The official etiquette? It is extremely bad manners to keep one hand in a pocket during an introduction – the atavistic reason being fear of a concealed weapon.

Q. I am a great admirer of Dr Jordan Peterson so am naturally inclined to want to discuss his ideas with others. Last week, however, the man next to me at my niece’s wedding took umbrage when I mentioned Dr Peterson’s name and that I was a fan. This fellow guest turned out to be a vehement opponent and became quite heated as he tried to re-educate me. He was insistent that I reverse my favourable views but I wouldn’t back down. I would not want to create similar tension again at a social event with such an unexpected reaction. Ironically, our hosts had put us next to one another because they considered we had much in common. Any thoughts, Mary, about how best to avoid this pitfall in future? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My father missed my mother so much after 50 years together that, following her death, he married again. I make every effort with my new stepmother but we have nothing in common. To be frank, common is the operative word. What I really mind is that when he and I meet alone for our weekly lunches, this distinguished man now reeks of the fabric conditioner with which she washes his clothes. He lost his sense of smell years ago so has no idea what he smells like. How can I tell her that in the world into which she has married, fabric conditioner is never used? – Name and address withheld A. Say nothing. If you do, you risk your stepmother having an excuse to fall out with you and thereby limit your meetings with your father. Instead purchase a product called ‘Poo-Pourri’.

Q. I have given in to pressure from a talented godson and agreed to introduce him to a successful businessman whom my godson thinks he could work with. Knowing them both well, I believe he is right. I have arranged a dinner party at my house but we are going to be four men and four women at the (round) table so it would look a bit obvious and pushy to put the two men beside one another. A complication is that the successful one cannot arrive until just before we sit down so they won’t be able to talk beforehand. Any suggestions, Mary? – J.W., London W8 A. Seat the senior protagonist on your right and the junior on your left. After the main course explain that you must go into the kitchen to attend to the final dish.

Q. I have noticed in various publications celebrating the King’s 75th birthday that he has been formally photographed with his tie tucked into his trouser belt. I am not sure about this look. Perhaps you might be kind enough to advise? After all, if His Majesty does adopt this, perhaps we few remaining tie wearers should follow suit. – N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts A. Gentlemen go for small, rather than chunky, knots. This leaves them with a longer wide side flapping around. Boris used to leave his overspill dangling to thigh level. HM provides an alternative solution. Neither is very elegant. However, what naturally springs to mind is the Osbert Lancaster cartoon showing Lady Littlehampton pronouncing: ‘If it’s me, it’s U.

Q. Wealthy ex-pat friends came to stay and, despite being attended to assiduously by our major domo, they left without leaving him a tip. I concealed their faux pas by palming him €50 and pretending that they had given it to me to give to him. But I am annoyed at their lack of consideration, which I suspect is due to ignorance rather than forgetfulness. How do I inform them that it is customary for guests to leave a tip for their host’s staff? – Name and address withheld A. Not only may these people be unfamiliar with the convention of tipping, they may also need to be alerted to carry cash for the purpose.

Q. My friend and I are being driven mad by a woman at our church who, after Mass, buttonholes us in the car park and goes on about a small airfield she is in a dispute with. In church she appears devout but I can’t help noticing she never asks how we are. I once stood for 30 minutes outside Aldi while she told me about the deaths of her parents in Covid lockdowns. Naturally I was sympathetic but a couple who had let me go ahead to pay as I had only three items must have been surprised I was still there. How can we avoid her without being rude? – E.S., Sussex A. Smile benignly as you confide in the woman that, due to hearing aid issues, you cannot hear a word she is saying, but thankfully your friend is going to escort you straight home. Q.

Q. A central London bookshop has kindly invited me to be one of 30 authors signing copies of our books at its Christmas customer evening. I feel it would be rude to say no, so I’ve said yes. But I went to last year’s event at that same shop, and saw the excruciating sight of some of my favourite authors sitting alone and unvisited at their signing tables, while crowds were queueing round the shop for Gyles Brandreth. This would bring back my worst childhood nightmares of not being picked for games teams. What occupation could you recommend to pass the time as I sit there from six till eight, so I can at least ‘look busy’? I suggested taking my embroidery, but my sons say that would make me look too old. – Y.M.G., London SW6 A.

Q. How can I prevent my guests from arguing over politics at the dinner table? I have been working abroad for far too long so have taken a house in London next month to give a few dinners to catch up with friends. To one of these I want to invite two couples in particular. Both are good friends of mine, although they have never met each other. I know they would get on extremely well and probably even work together as they are in the same fields – but they have very different politics and are bound to start discussing these as soon as they walk through the door. Mary, how can I prevent the evening turning toxic before people have had the opportunity to find out what they have in common and exchange their creative ideas? – J.C., Florence A.

Q. Like a lot of my friends, my husband is selectively hard of hearing. He loves his garden and I spend ages calling him when it is lunchtime/someone has turned up etc. There is no mobile signal in the garden so I can’t ring him and by the time I have found him I am usually cross and hoarse from shouting. Mary, how can I make my life easier? – A.E., Pewsey, Wiltshire A. Get a pair of walkie-talkies and attach one to his belt. All men love going back to their childhood days and having the chance to say ‘Over and out’ and ‘Roger’. Walkie-talkies usually work within a two-mile radius. There are several well-known brands that market kits with three handsets for under £40. Q.

Q. I have been walking my dog with a neighbour who has turned out to be a very entertaining companion. She knows masses of local gossip and is very funny when oversharing about her own dating life. I enjoy hearing all this, but she has begun fishing for the same sort of details about my relationship with my boyfriend. It seems unfriendly not to reciprocate so how can I say, in a non-hostile way, ‘Sorry, I’m never going to tell you private stuff’ without coming across as disapproving of the graphic details she has given me about her chaotic bedroom life? – Name and address withheld A. Nip this in the bud by sighing: ‘I’d love to tell you, but my boyfriend’s an unbelievably old-fashioned romantic.

Q. I am becoming increasingly irritated at the thought of the eulogies likely to be delivered at my funeral. I just find the whole idea of people intoning from a pulpit on the subject of me deeply embarrassing and intrusive. Yet my family and friends insist that I must not cheat them of the fervent desire they inexplicably have to ‘pay tribute’ to me. I am not yet ill but at my age – 89 – I feel I am running out of time to deal with this problem. What can I do? – A.C., London W8 A. Ask your lawyer to sort this out for you. However it’s important that you do not deny people the enjoyment factor of group recollection.

Q. Scrolling through my WhatsApp contacts, I have found a name I don’t recognise but when I click on the profile I can see it is a very pretty girl. I suspect I may have met her on a night out when I might have had too much to drink which would account for me not remembering who she is. Because I don’t know how long ago this meeting was, or even where it was, I’m not sure if I can now send her a message and start a conversation. What do you think, Mary? – E.L., London SW11 A. Send a lunchtime WhatsApp saying, ‘I’m standing outside the Wolseley [or similar desirable hotspot]. Where are you?’ This will prompt an urgent confused response. Text back, ‘So sorry. I meant to send that message to someone else. He’s just arrived. But how nice to hear from you.

Q. As a male, what is the protocol when confronted with the noticeably bigger boobs of a platonic friend of 40 years’ standing? I have been told about them by mutual friends and will shortly be seeing them for myself when she and her husband come to stay. I usually compliment her on her appearance (because she does tend to look rather wonderful) so I feel that if I don’t refer to the boobs she may think that I think they are a mistake. On the other hand, to praise them could come across as a bit lascivious or what you might call ‘Benny Hill’. What do you advise? – Name withheld, Penrith A. Presumably your friend wants the additions to be admired, since why else would she have had them installed?

Q. We frequently have our very young grandchildren to visit. However it reduces us to teeth-grinding, stony silence when the parents allow their children to spend fleeting milliseconds at the table before galloping off around the room while we try to eat food which has taken time, effort and love to prepare. Trying to correct the children evokes defensive retaliation from their parents. We love having the family round. How can we tackle this diplomatically? – Name and address withheld A. Say nothing. The grandparent role is to love unconditionally and effect corrective behaviour by more subtle means than criticism. Tackle this with a two-pronged attack.

Q. My friend kindly arranged for me to use her freelance gardener and, despite the gardener working only four hours a week, she has transformed my garden. Today I asked if she could do any more hours and she said only on an ad hoc basis. This evening I received a message from another friend asking for the gardener’s number, as hers has left. She has a superior garden to mine and I am terrified this wonderful gardener will give the ad hoc hours she has promised me to this potential new employer. I have tried to prevaricate but I can’t lie to this lady. Mary, what to do? – E.S., Sussex A. It would cause resentment if the treasure found you had blocked her access to another opportunity. Instead turn the situation into a comedy rather than a tragedy.

Q. I am organising a funeral for a close relative and am puzzled that some people wish to attend the wake but not the service of committal at the crematorium. My view is that if you want to enjoy the wake, which will be a good party in a perfect country pub, then you should be willing to pay your respects first. Should I simply not inform these people in advance of the wake venue, since it is usual for this to be revealed only at the funeral on the order of service sheet? – Name and address withheld A. You could reply: ‘We haven’t quite sorted out the wake yet but if you haven’t got time for the whole thing do pop in at the end of the funeral to find out the venue.

Q. I was at a house party in Yorkshire where one of the other guests had contributed a large joint of cooked beef. Eighteen of us were within minutes of sitting down to eat it with salad for lunch, but while helping to lay the table I could smell that something was not right. The meat was fashionably rare and had also travelled for more than four hours in a hot car from London. Our host agreed with me. The very last thing she wanted was to offend this guest who had spent so much and made such an effort, but she could not think of how to explain her last-minute substitution of eggs mayonnaise without telling the truth. Unfortunately the well-meaning guest insisted that the beef was ‘meant’ to smell like that and kept urging our host to serve it.