Mary Killen

Q. I spent day two of the Lord’s Test Match last week in the Grandstand. Shortly after play began, the adjacent seats were occupied. He, largely silent, was innocuous. She, of unpleasingly shrill-toned voice, wittered on inanely at high volume, barely pausing for breath, until they left late on. Destined to sit next to someone like this for an entire day, how does one politely invite her to behave more decorously, without causing extreme offence? – P.R., Highgate, London A. Dear Mary’s cricket consultant, L.G. of Fosbury, steps in to advise. ‘The answer to this problem is to buy the headsets available at all cricket grounds that allow you to listen to the TMS commentary as you watch.

Q. My wife has for some time been a member of a fashionable members’ club. A dear friend and ex-colleague recently approached me to ask if he could submit her details as reference for his application to such club. In some circles he may be deemed to be somewhat rough around the edges. Personally, I would have no hesitation in recommending him as I believe I owe him a great deal – indeed, I believe we all owe him a great deal. As a sometime servant of this country, he survived a near fatal wound in one of Mr Blair’s ill-advised expeditions to the Middle East. My wife has refused his request on the grounds that he is likely to cause trouble at some stage. I disagree, but even so I would support his application. What should I do? – J.R., Oxfordshire A.

Q. I have a friend who is a serious gardener. I myself am reasonably keen but not in her league. Last year she gave me some rare plants. Unfortunately I didn’t plant them very carefully and they ended up dying. She lives some distance away and I felt quite safe pretending they had flourished. With any other gardener I would have had no compunction in admitting they had died but our relationship is complicated. She’s now asked to come and stay for a local wedding and I’m dreading her discovering the truth. What can I do, Mary? – Name and address withheld  A.

Q. I was lucky enough to marry into a family where everyone gets on well. One of my brothers-in-law was the only one with a big enough wall in his house to hang a family treasure of a fragile antique tapestry, but last year he too moved into a smaller house and the tapestry now lies in his attic. When one of us asks how the tapestry is doing he moans ‘ruined, no doubt – ruined by moths’ but refuses to discuss it further or let anyone else have a look. The tapestry may or may not be beyond repair, but this much-loved man has always preferred to keep his head in the sand rather than confront something potentially painful. Mary, what should we do? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. As I live just over an hour away from London I usually choose to take a late train home after parties, but train fever often overshadows my enjoyment of the gatherings. This is partly because even a glance at my watch will look rude and spoil the vibe. Do you think a braille watch I could discreetly touch would be the answer? – L.G., Fosbury, Wilts A. Braille watches usually come with one raised bobble on the hour and another raised bobble on the minute. Hence they are easy to ‘read’ by touching. However there would be palaver involved with groping up the sleeve, and you might find beady-eyed fellow guests driving you up conversational cul-de-sacs when they spot it. Perhaps better to keep your mobile somewhere on your body.

Q. I am organising a village fête and am happy to throw cash into it, as we want to make a favourable local impact as the new owners of the Old Rectory. We will have games for children, teas and cakes, secondhand stalls and a brass band. My question is – should I also hire an old-fashioned fortune-teller? I feel this would generate a lot of harmless excitement, but my husband thinks it could cause trouble as some people take fortune-telling seriously. – Name and address withheld A. A more useful community service would be to hire a pop-up GP. These now feature in the back rooms of certain upmarket London chemists and give consultations to the time-pressed for £45. Hold a men-only raffle to allow ten winners a free consultation.

Q. My wife’s daughter and son-in-law and their family live about 40 miles away. Whenever they come to stay, he asks if he can use an electric socket to charge his new Tesla. Although he thanks me profusely for making a socket available, he does not offer to pay for the electricity. Were he to do so, I would decline the offer, but I do feel that it is discourteous of him to take it for granted that it is a gift. How can I get him to raise his game? – Name and address withheld A. There is a protocol to deal with this emerging dilemma. Electric car drivers must make a point of carrying and brandishing cash so they can at least offer to pay for their charge.

Q. I remember a time when one could be confident of reaching all one’s circle through an announcement in the personal columns of the Times – for example to say that one was not sending out Christmas cards but instead would be making a donation to charity. Or, indeed, where one would be spending one’s honeymoon. My problem is that I have got terribly behind with answering emails and,  with more pouring in each day, I am beside myself. Would it be acceptable to email my entire address book with a generic apology for not having answered an email they may or may not have sent, and explaining how overwhelmed I am? –  O.W., London SW6 A. This sort of impersonal and egocentric announcement would cause resentment. Imagine if you received one yourself.

Q. I have some fairly new friends who very generously invited me to stay with them in Turkey. They told me who would be coming and I was slightly dreading meeting up again with one man I haven’t seen since we were much younger. He was always patronising and a bit misogynistic, and – as I was to discover – is even more insufferable now he has become successful. Everyone was lying by the pool and he asked me what I was reading. When I showed him – a fairly undemanding classic novel – his comment was: ‘Gosh, well done!’ I was infuriated but the only responses I could think of would have caused bad vibes within the very relaxed house party. So I said nothing. How could I have upbraided him without others thinking that I was uncivilised?  – S.D.

Q. We have been introduced to some fellow parents at our children’s school. They are not quite on our wavelength – very status conscious and money obsessed – but we want to stay on good terms because our children are friends. Like us, they have moved to the country from London and bought an old property which needed extensive remodelling. We are ahead of the game, having come here a year before they did, and so they have asked if they can come and look at the work we’ve had done. They are the kind of people who will want to know what everything cost. I can’t very well say I don’t know when they start questioning me about how much we have spent but, honestly, I don’t want to share that amount of our business with them. Mary, what should I do?

Q. When my husband and I meet certain friends for lunch, the bill is always higher than it should be, since one friend orders about five different dishes because she’s never sure what she wants. She barely touches any of them. We don’t want to quibble when it comes to dividing the bill, but we have retired and have to be watchful of our spending, unlike them. What should we do? – D.F., London SW10 A. Next time, you and your husband could feign reduced appetites due to a hectic social life and order small starters for each course. Then, when your friend doesn’t eat the array of dishes presented, you can help yourselves without guilt, claiming it looks too delicious not to eat. ‘Mmm – we were hungrier than we thought!’ Q.

Q. American clients emailed saying they were coming to Europe this spring and inviting us and another couple on a fantastic-sounding boat trip in the eastern Mediterranean which we rather shamelessly accepted. Last week I got a further email saying, as the holiday was approaching, it was time to sort out the financial side of things, ending up with some terrifying figures that we would owe them. Looking back at the email chain, I found an attachment to the original invitation, which we hadn’t opened, showing a breakdown of the costs as shared between the three couples. There is no way we can afford it but, for professional reasons, cannot confess this. Help! – Name and address withheld A. Break the news that, maddeningly, you will have to withdraw.

Q. I am a 29-year-old gay man. About four months ago I met a man at least 30 years older than me. We have become very good friends with many shared interests. I am certain that my friend (let’s call him ‘Tom’) has enjoyed the friendship as much as I have. It has been entirely platonic, even in situations where ‘something’ might have happened. We have often discussed making a trip to Paris (in particular to go to the opera). We had a very straightforward conversation about the cost of the trip and it is clear that I am to be his guest in April, for when the trip is booked. Last week Tom told me that the hotel he had carefully chosen (no doubt a lovely place to stay) cannot provide twin beds in its rooms. He has asked if I am happy to share a ‘very large bed’.

Q. Since my wife and I went our separate ways I have had lots of social invitations. My ex always dealt with the thank-you letters and I am useless at getting around to writing them. Now a friend has introduced me to an app called ChatGPT which writes letters and even poems for you if you tell it what you are thanking someone for. I tried it out and the result was astounding. The bot replies immediately and with a few tweaks – taking out words like ‘scrumptious’ and ‘pleasant’ – the job was effectively done for me. I have used it twice but am feeling worried I will be found out. Mary, is it safe to use this app? – Name and address withheld A. Yes, you can use it again, with two provisos. First, only do it for the next few weeks.

Q. I work part-time with a lovely girl (aged 27) in a tiny office. She is very nice and not too woke. But she wears cheap scent that has a ghastly, acrid smell and I feel like I’m ingesting poison. Mary, what do I do? – Name and address withheld A. Why not borrow a friend’s asthma inhaler and bring it to the office? Make a show of using this and splutter that ‘I was just about to ask you what that divine scent is, but now I fear it may be triggering my allergy…’. Q. I was widowed last year and I am missing female company very much. In my leisure activities I have many superficial exchanges with ladies of my own age and, from time to time, I feel that I would like to take the acquaintance a little bit further, e.g. theatre, cinema, concert.

Q. My mother is still mentally and physically sprightly at the age of 87. She is perfectly capable of living alone – indeed she has done so for the past 20 years. The problem is that she is still highly social but most of the London friends of her own vintage, some of whom lived in the same historic apartment complex in Piccadilly, have died. Any ideas as to how she could make new friends? – G.F., Bruton, Somerset A. Perhaps she could take a tip from another highly social widow, who has just died aged 97, but who was a keen attender of memorial services, having no qualms about turning up at those of people she had never met but who had well-known names. To the same end your mother might enjoy scouring the Court & Social pages of the Times and Telegraph.

Q. I am considered to be a friendly and communicative person in everyday life. However I have a bad back and need to have the occasional hour-long massage to offset the tension of having to sit down at work all day. My assistant books me in for ‘full body relaxation massage’ at various spas and explains that, as the client, I will want to zone out completely. And yet there is obviously something about me which is giving the wrong message, as I invariably find I am being treated by a chatty therapist. I try to give the most minimal greeting and description of my needs when I walk into the treatment room, but it still seems to set them off.

Q. I have been horribly caught out with no one to blame but myself. I was sent a large electric blanket coat of the sort you can sit in on a sofa watching television. My family and I all thought it was hideous but I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the person who kindly gave it to me and wrote a suitably grateful thank-you letter, saying we had been using it nonstop. We had looked it up online and, because it was quite expensive, my daughter said she would return it to the shop in Oxford Street and get me a credit to spend there.

Q. We have some friends whom we have casual suppers with on a fairly regular basis, just the four of us. Recently they sent a text inviting us ‘for supper’ and we turned up on the appointed evening to walk into a room filled with 20 other guests and formal tables set up. Not only were we mentally unprepared for such an evening, we were also under-dressed. Although my husband ended up loving the party, he works a 12-hour day and would definitely have said no had he known the scale of it. Our host knows this and so I feel he slightly ambushed us. How can we stop this from happening again? – G.L., Edinburgh A. A few days before the next ‘supper’, send your host a text suggesting that you contribute a pudding as you have a fabulous new recipe.

Q. I work at home and the other day was heading out to buy a sandwich when I ran into a friend outside a local restaurant. She invited me to join her, and one of my artist heroes, inside. I accepted but when we entered I could see that a man who I always try to avoid was already sitting at the table. I knew his presence would be a vibe-changer and I was right. But Mary, how could I have made a getaway at that very late stage without being openly rude? – Name and address withheld A. You could have gasped that just as you were about to turn off your telephone you saw a message saying your burglar alarm had gone off and so you would have to rush back to your house to put things right. ‘Please don’t wait for me,’ you could have said.