Mary Killen

Q. Friends of mine have parents who moved to this neck of the woods three years ago. The parents bought a property with a tiny garden and consequently very much wanted to find an allotment. An elderly lady living in a stately home nearby was dividing up her walled kitchen garden and gave them a plot within this. The allotment has been a great success but my friends' parents are now faced with a dilemma. The elderly lady is moving to a dower house and would like the couple to leave their existing allotment and start another one in her new garden. Meanwhile, the son and daughter-in-law who have moved into the big house are also very keen on the couple and want them to stay on in the walled garden.

Dear Mary... Q. A couple of years ago you advised readers to minimise present-buying stress at Christmas by finding something that would be acceptable to people of all age ranges and simply buying up said item in bulk. This year I took your advice and feel I must share with readers the great success that I enjoyed with my bulk purchase of butler's trays from IKEA. These trays are deep and come in painted-white-wood effect with fold-up stand. They were received with delight by both adults - who saw them as ideal bedroom accessories - and children who used them to provide surfaces to play on and to contain little messes of small plastic toys. At the end of the day, said messes can be lifted up wholesale to the child's bedroom; all this for only £17 a tray. F.W., London W8 A.

Dear Mary... Q. I rarely shoot, since I have always been a hopeless shot. However, I recently went out for a day and was rather pleased to shoot a woodcock. At the end of the day, as the keeper was loading my car, I was surprised to see only pheasants in the boot. 'What happened to my woodcock?' I asked. He replied, 'Oh, Lady X [my hostess] is rather partial to woodcock. She's kept that back for herself.' This seemed to me rather unjust, and I wondered if I had been 'abused', in today's parlance. Was I wrong to have assumed that he who shoots it gets it, so to speak?A.C., London W12 A. Yes, you were wrong. The correct etiquette on a shoot is that everything belongs to the host.

Dear Mary... Q. I am a hereditary peer. I am also in the auctioneering business and my work takes me to the United States, where confusion frequently arises over my Christian name. What is the most tactful way for me to correct those who have misunderstood the details on my business card and assume that my parents actually chose the name 'Lord' rather than it being thrust upon me, as it were?Name and address withheld A. Let us assume that you are Lord Blunderbuss and that your true Christian name is 'Peregrine'. The very first time the misunderstanding is confirmed - when, for instance, someone says, 'Good to meet you, Lord' - you should reply, 'Oh, just call me Peregrine. I never use my title.

Dear Mary... Q. Please help! I recently met a wonderful girl whom I find quite enchanting. She's beautiful, creative and successful in her own business, and I find that I am always thinking about her. I am concerned, however, that she might be a bit thick. While on her way to an important trade event in Paris, she asked me to recommend restaurants where she could take staff and clients. I recommended, among others, one of the newest and most chic 'designer' restaurants that I have frequented, as I often travel to Paris on business. On her return she thanked me for the recommendation. Recently, however, I was told quite confidentially that she didn't consider me to be a suitable new friend because of this same recommendation.

Dear Mary... Q. During lunch at the house of some friends of my parents, I was put between two boys from Bryanston who talked across me through each course as though I didn't exist. I did not take their rudeness personally - in fact, I was quite sleepy that day and would have been quite happy to drift off into a personal reverie had not their voices been quite so loud. What should I have done to remind them to mind their manners?M.G., Fosbury, Wiltshire A. Wearing a kindly expression on your face, as though dealing with the disabled, you should simply have stood up and moved along one place. Standing behind the offender on your right, you could have said, 'Please, do change places with me and then you can talk to each other without my being in the way.

Dear Mary... Q. Could you give me some guidance on how to keep my parents' and acquaintances' opinions about my single life to themselves? At 32, unmarried without children and happy about it, I hear a regular chorus from the parents and assorted people: 'You ought to get married sometime soon'; 'Shouldn't you be finding a wife by now?' etc., etc. As if I could just pop down to Harrods this sunny afternoon, pick up a sweet young thing without a second thought, maybe even find a nice one off the rack at a 10 per cent discount. How can I let them know that their opinions and helpful suggestions are of no value to me, without ruffling any sensitive feathers?D.V., Salt Lake City, Utah, USA A.

Dear Mary... Q. My social life and my job depend to a degree on my contacts with the aristocracy. During a recent visit to a stately home, I had an unfortunate reaction to alcohol and rich food. The result, without going into too many details, was that I had no alternative but to take my bed linen with me when I left. I have not yet corresponded with my hostess. How can I explain the absence of the bed linen? Clearly it would be inadvisable to tell the truth. Although my hostess is/was fond of me, I doubt our relationship could survive it.E.H., London W8 A. You should spare your hostess the full details. Go to Peter Jones or John Lewis and buy replacement bed linen as similar as possible in quality and size to the desecrated linen.

Dear Mary... Q. At a party recently we reconnected with a couple we had not seen for a few years. We agreed to have dinner soon, and duly invited them. They then had us back, and we were happy to have re-established the relationship. When we next invited them for dinner, they accepted enthusiastically, saying that they would love to come provided that they did not take a spontaneous holiday. So I sent them a postcard reminder and went on holiday for three weeks. When I returned, having heard nothing to the contrary, I expected them to show up, which they did not. One of our guests said that she had seen Mrs X not three days before and they had said to each other, 'See you Friday night.

Dear Mary... Q. Last week I had dinner in a restaurant with some old friends whose number included a woman we all like a lot with her new (younger) boyfriend. The latter responded to every question about himself and his work as though he was his own public-relations officer. Everything was going very well, everyone rated him very highly, all his projects were extremely successful (he is in the film business) - it was most off-putting. The man was not even American. How can we honestly respond when she asks for our opinion of him? (She had been on the shelf for some time and we do not wish to be discouraging.)Name and address withheld A. Time was when lack of modesty in an Englishman was a fail-safe yardstick for judging. Cultural changes have rendered this method obsolete.

Dear Mary... Q. In the course of a typical week I normally spend a good deal of time travelling around the country by train. During these trips I frequently find that my mobile telephone has run short of battery because of the high volume of calls I have to make. Being on a train I have no means of recharging it. I might add that I am always at pains to avoid offending other passengers, and therefore make a point of standing in the corridor between compartments to make and receive calls on such journeys. Something which has often caught my eye is the mysterious empty plug socket that can be seen lurking at the back of the luggage racks on intercity trains. Can you tell me whether it is legally and/or practically acceptable to plug one's charger into this socket on a long journey?C.J.

Dear Mary... Q. About to depart abroad for a year, I had some friends in for farewell drinks. As they were leaving, I invited them to help themselves from the box destined for Oxfam in the hall. One picked out an ashtray and said, 'I gave you this.' And she had. Mary, how could I have responded at this mortifying moment?S.J.B., London SW1 A. You could have chuckled loudly. 'Ha ha ha! You fell for that one, didn't you? I put it there deliberately to tease you.' By using this classic fall-back excuse you would have spared your friend's feelings, if you had wanted to spare them. Some readers may prefer the approach taken by Nancy Mitford towards unwanted presents.

Dear Mary... Q. A neighbour - an eminent retired politician, philanthropist and keen ornithologist - has just acquired an owl whistle, beautifully crafted from wood. When blown, it makes a most realistic toowooo. He related to me, a few days ago, that the previous evening he had tried it out for the first time at night in his garden, and had immediately been rewarded with a most satisfying set of replies from what appeared to be a particularly rare owl somewhere in the village. The next day, another neighbour - a retired military man and also an ornithologist - showed me his latest toy, coincidentally also an owl whistle. He went on to describe with excitement a similar story, that he had tried it out a couple of evenings before with the calls returned immediately, from quite close by.

Dear Mary... Q. A problem I often run into at school is that of the 'mystery offence'. For example, arriving in my form room at the start of this term, a very dear friend 'death-stared' me and refused to speak to me. On inquiry as to how I had offended, she replied, 'You know.' What can one do in such a situation? Apologise profusely, as though knowing what is wrong, and risk, through ignorance, the same mistake again? Or continue to question and anger the friend further? I need your counsel. C.W., Edinburgh A. Your letter withholds your full name, but let us assume it is Charlotte. Rehearse a third party to inquire casually of the offended one, 'Hey, what have you done to Charlotte? Someone told me she was really angry with you about some terrible thing you've done to her.

Dear Mary... Q. For years I have suffered embarrassment at the hands of my father's gluttony - specifically his habit of ordering an entire pint of ice cream when we go out, enough to satisfy an entire family, and devouring it at the gelato shop in front of judgmental eyes obviously disgusted by the display. Since his gall bladder was removed a while back, this is not only greedy but also dangerous, as he is incapable of processing large quantities of fat. Do you have any suggestions to curtail these frozen-dessert binges? C.E., Vancouver, Canada A. It would seem that there is nothing you can do to curb these excesses, so why not turn the situation to your advantage and encourage onlookers to enjoy the display rather than despise it?

Dear Mary... Q. I refer to your advice on giving eulogies (Your problems solved, l7 August). Is not 'eulogy' suggestive of de mortuis nil nisi bonum, and therefore of formal praise which does not truly honour the dead? That aside, may I add to your wise words, because what to say at a memorial service is so important, and I learnt much from being thrown in at the deep end first time round - a devastatingly sad suicide. A wise old cleric provided me with the simple truth that it was 'not a failure of love but a failure of hope'. And that led to the most important general truth: that your audience is neither yourself nor the multitude, but the truly bereaved, and it is for their comfort that you should speak. Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. I am recovering in hospital from a serious car accident in which - among other things - I cracked my spine. I have been overwhelmed by the messages of sympathy and concern from friends, colleagues and acquaintances alike. However, one couple, whom I had long regarded as 'friends', have not so much as murmured, although they were among the first to learn of the bad news (my wife was also injured to a lesser extent). I am afraid, despite almost 20 years' friendship, that my attitude towards them will never be the same. How should I play this in future?P.R., Berlin A. After 20 years of friendship you should be able to judge whether the couple are so egotistical that it has not occurred to them to sympathise.

Q. The person with whom I used to march, before he had to sell up, is hostile to my plan to allow wind turbines on my land. He still lives nearby and his view will be affected. He is utterly opposed on environmental grounds — the noise, the despoilation of the skyline, the fact that wind turbines do not actually save energy but just allow boxes to be ticked... I agree with him on all counts but unfortunately I am not in a financial position to resist a life-changing sum of money for doing nothing. We have been friends all our lives, and our parents and grandparents before us. Mary, how can I mend fences? —Name and address withheld. A.