Mary Killen

Q. Every year my husband takes two weeks’ prime salmon fishing on a Scottish river. It’s a really nice holiday with a comfortable lodge and a cook. Around Christmas time we start inviting couples to come to stay as our guests, usually by email. Some of them tend to be slow to respond, which is annoying because you just want to know if they’re coming so you can ask other people if not. I feel it would slightly spoil the invitation to put at the end: ‘Please get back to us with your decision as soon as possible.’ Do you have a more subtle idea? – Name and address withheld A. Jolt them out of their complacency by opening an extra Gmail account in a Scottish name such as Kirsty Macgregor. Get Kirsty, posing as the lodge manager, to chase the invitees.

Q. How can we get our new unsatisfactory house cleaner to resign? There is a huge demand for cleaners in our neighbourhood (the going rate here is £30 an hour, cash), and it took us months to find her, but we are frustrated by her resistance to our direction. If we ask her to tackle specific areas, or to do specific jobs, she says it’s better for her to judge what needs doing. Incidentally we noted, when she had two weeks off, that we were able to do ourselves, in roughly half the time, what she does for us. We would like to dispense with her services, but she is not bad enough to warrant our sacking her – it’s just the non-compliance that rankles. – Name withheld, London W8 A.

Q. This may sound ridiculous but I have an issue with the Big Issue seller near me. I am in that street several times a day, and he is usually waving and smiling and holding the magazine up at me. He even tried to make me buy a second copy of the Christmas issue, though he knew I had already bought it from him. He said something about wanting to buy his children chicken, which seemed like emotional blackmail. I find I now avoid the street if he is there and go a longer way. I saw a friend’s husband giving him £5 and not bothering to take the mag but this seems patrician and patronising. What can I do? – E.S., London W11 A. Make a point of buying the magazine in another street and have a chat with that vendor.

Q. When is the cut-off date for wishing people a happy new year and asking if someone had a good Christmas? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to stay civil. – L.G., Fosbury, Wilts A. 14 January is the cut-off date for wishing people a happy new year. The Church itself puts an end to Christmas officially at Candlemas on 2 February, so it is absurd to persist in mentioning it beyond this weekend. Bear in mind that these well-wishers mean no harm. They are usually just stuck for something more interesting to say. Q. We have bought a house in Somerset, but the council requires the bins to be placed at the end of our drive by 7 a.m. on a Friday. We get there on Fridays at 7 p.m.

Q. I am a single woman in my thirties and I am at my wits’ end as to where I can meet intelligent, interesting bachelors. Apps are hopeless. I work in publishing but literary men are endlessly promiscuous. Most men my age at parties are married. Any suggestions? – M.S., London SW11 A. You are looking in the wrong places – areas where too many women are competing for too few men. Knowing they are a scarce commodity prompts commitment-phobia in literary and arty types. Better to set out into nerdier pastures in search of an underconfident geek who only needs a makeover. Start attending lectures and conferences in theoretical physics or quantum mechanics where 98 per cent of the audience is guaranteed to be male.

Q. A Belgian couple (a baron and baroness, no less) are regular visitors to the Highlands and I have come to regard them as friends. We always visit good restaurants and go Dutch on the bills. Recently, however, they have taken to bringing over two young men who are a couple and neither of them so much as ‘taks their hand across their pockets’, as we say here. As an Aberdonian this grieves me greatly, as my share of the bill has escalated, and I have consequently taken to shying away from meeting my Belgian friends. Mary, how can I resolve this without causing offence? – M.R., Aberdeen A. Highlight the injustice by using your local knowledge to conspire in advance with the next restaurant. Arrange that individual bills are issued as though it is their norm.

Q. We live in a harmonious and social community in Berkshire and early last year our fun-loving neighbours invited us to a New Year’s Eve party. However, on about 29 December they packed up and went away, only returning on New Year’s Day. We usually have a bracing walk in the afternoons and are bound to bump into them soon (they have small children who need to burn off energy). Should we mention the non-party or just put it down to forgetfulness?  – Name and address withheld A. As you say, the invitation was issued early in the year and no doubt a lot of water went under the bridge in the intervening months. But the couple have still been irresponsible.

From Tina Brown Q. I have been dogged all my career as ‘the Queen of Buzz’, which makes people assume I love being in the centre of the social scene. Nothing is further from the truth. Though I will always be an action junkie, I am also a bookworm and a misanthrope, and I live by the maxim of Jomo (the ‘joy of missing out’). How do I find new ways to turn down friends’ kind invitations to go out to dinner without sounding ungrateful, or as if I have turned into the female version of Joe Biden? A. Lunch is much less physically and mentally draining than dinner, so why not reveal that all the transatlantic travel has played havoc with your body clock? You find your brain now fires on all cylinders between the hours of 6 p.m. and 3 a.m.

Q. I have a dear friend who is in a newish relationship. The partner – whom I hardly know – recently visited my city, asked to stay, and groped me soon after arriving. I would like to maintain my relationship with my friend, but if I invite him for dinner he’ll ask to bring his partner, whom I don’t wish to see. Mary, is there a delicate way to handle this without causing a fuss? — Name and address withheld A. Tell him that you have booked a pedicure for both of you – a one-hour session where you will be seated side-by-side in the salon. This will enable you to have a proper catch-up while such things as thickening toenails are dealt with. There will be no opportunity for his new partner to muscle in. Q.

Q. My husband has a stressful job and needs to quietly decompress at the end of the week. This is also the time of year when he has the most sporting invitations and we are often driving 100 miles or more on a Friday night. Our problem is that, due to the nature of the invitations – house parties – we are often asked to give a lift to another person also coming from London. My husband is, honestly, a lovely man but not good on Friday nights, especially if the person in the back seat is a bit of a twitterer. Even with all the kit, there is room for another passenger. When asked for the lift I can hardly say, ‘Sorry, my husband is too irritable on a Friday night to give anyone a lift’ or ‘Only if you stay quiet throughout the whole journey.’ Mary, what can I do?

Q. I have been working in London as a receptionist in a private members’ club and consequently have had the opportunity to meet and chat to a number of single men – always while sitting safely behind my desk. Now I have left the job, one of these members has started direct messaging me and asking for a date, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I would like to know him better too. I sense there is more to him than the braggart he presents as – but the other girls who worked with me say he always lunges and only wants one thing. How can I see him, but without him pre-empting a proper relationship by lunging at me on the first date? He works during the day so dinner is the only option. – W.F., London W11 A. You have missed the obvious solution.

Q. My wife worked in the picture department of a very reputable auction house but has now taken to retirement with great enthusiasm. However, friends are constantly contacting her for free advice, valuations etc. They usually start with: ‘I know you’ve retired, but this won’t take you very long…’ She finds this irritating, yet doesn’t want to offend anyone – she just wants a peaceful retirement. How can she put a stop to these constant interruptions? – Name withheld, West Sussex A. She should be sympathetic but use the double deterrent of replying: ‘I’m out of the market now, so I wouldn’t feel confident charging you for advice.’ Q.

Q. To my surprise I have been asked to give a eulogy at the funeral of someone I knew only quite well. I accepted more out of embarrassment than for any other reason but I will feel rather bogus delivering this encomium when there will be much closer friends present who may rightly be annoyed by my taking on this commission. Advice, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Your name, which has not actually been withheld from Dear Mary, suggests you may have been chosen for status reasons. A funeral is not a time to be mean-spirited however, and the key thing to remember about a eulogy is that it is not about you. You should figure minimally in your address (no doubt you are well practised in this). Research – by talking to others who knew the subject well – is mandatory.

Q. I am a concierge for a high-net-worth individual. She likes to communicate with me mainly via WhatsApp voice messages and it’s not unusual to receive ten of these a day. The messages are often lengthy and I find it tedious having to listen carefully right to the end in case I miss some vital instruction. For example, she might be talking about the dinner she went to the night before but embedded within her ramblings could be: ‘By the way, could you get the plumber back urgently to the London flat – water is leaking from the basin in my bathroom.’ How can I tactfully ask her to waste less of my time? – J.L., London SW11 A. You mustn’t.

Q. I have a very dear friend who lives in Scotland, so we rarely see each other. Before the internet existed, we would call each other on the landline two or three times a year for a pleasant catch-up, and meet sporadically. However, since the onslaught of social media, my friend has taken to sending several WhatsApps per day, almost always saying things like ‘How is your day going?’, adding a few banal details of the current weather in the Highlands or what she plans to bake that day. I feel guilty if I don’t reply at all, so find myself sending pleasantries back, even though I am feeling very irritated by the constant interruptions. I can’t think how to rectify this without offending her. Any advice, Mary? — G.J., Cheshire A.

Q. We want to keep on good terms with a potential grandson-in-law but he does not have the right kit. This doesn’t always matter these days, but it mattered when we took him and our granddaughter to our local racecourse. He came in a suit which he boasted he had not worn since school. He was bursting out of it and the trousers were six inches too short. How, without alienating our granddaughter, can I convey that he really must buy a new suit? – Name withheld, Newbury A. You can make an informed calculation about what off-the-peg-sized suit would fit your potential grandson-in-law and acquire one from an outlet such as TK Maxx for around £100.

Q. I meet a very old and dear friend for lunch on a regular basis. We meet at a lovely family-run Italian restaurant in Charlotte Place in Fitzrovia because it is exactly halfway between where we both live. Over the years it has become rather beyond our means but we don’t like to break with tradition. We have always taken it in turns to pay the bill, but my friend has become somewhat forgetful, and for the last three lunches has said: ‘How lovely that it’s your turn to pay.’ I realise she isn’t purposely making me pay each time, but I can ill afford the extra expense. How can I solve this without giving offence? – R.H., London W11 A.