Mary Killen

Q. Please can you advise me? I am a bachelor living on my own and I have my shirts ironed by a very nice lady in the village. She does a great job, but I am getting increasingly annoyed as she leaves my shirts hanging in the kitchen and then proceeds to cook a roast dinner (or similar) before I can pick them up. She is incredibly friendly but very thin-skinned. How can I subtly suggest that she stores them somewhere else so I don’t smell of roast lamb when I wear my clothes? I did think about providing clothes covers but fear this might not have the desired effect, as she might only cover them immediately before I pick them up. Thank you.R.C., Chester. A.

Q. Several years ago I had a well-respected broadsheet editor to stay for the weekend. The house party included another friend who has since become a rising star in the world of politics. Last Sunday, as I leafed my way through the newspapers, I almost choked on my breakfast cereal when I saw a large photograph which included the editor, the politician, myself and assorted guests. I have since discovered that several other photographs, taken during this private house party, have appeared in the public domain. As I consider them to be friends, how should I express my disapproval to the former editor? And should I invite them back? R.D., County Antrim A. Mete out the following punishment.

Q. My son is on his gap year and travelling around India. While having lunch with a friend she showed me a website on to which her son has posted a blog of his gap year. By the looks of it virtually every 18–19-year-old public schoolchild in the country has done the same. Endless faces in various states of stupefaction leer out against tropical backgrounds accompanied by descriptions of how ‘chilled’ everyone is. I am only human so when she suggested typing my son’s name into the search box I naturally concurred. I was initially shocked to see that he too looked stupefied in his photographs and he too is boasting of being ‘chilled’ and describing how ‘wasted’ he feels each morning.

Q. I find myself constantly smarting — for want of a better phrase — from the presumptions of instant matey-ness one encounters in almost every human interchange in English day-to-day life. Why should someone I have never met before address me by my Christian name? Why should the youth from the local garage who has never clapped eyes on me let alone been introduced (but who knows full well that I am a Lord) telephone me saying, ‘Hi Alex, do you want to test drive the latest BMW we’ve got in?’ I am 33 and some of my friends say that I am being pompous, and that this epidemic of bogus familiarity is the modern way and I must go along with it. The problem is that because I am a viscount, people assume I am trying to pull rank. This is not the case.

Q. The tennis coach at our village club was recently coaching one of his young clients. On the next court, one of the club regulars and her new middle-aged male friend were completing a strenuous game. The man suddenly collapsed and the coach, a trained first-aider, identified the symptoms of cardiac arrest and applied the necessary heart massage and mouth-to-mouth. It took over half an hour for the ambulance to arrive, during which time the victim’s partner became increasingly hysterical and distressed, offering very little by way of practical support while the coach continued to alternate chest compressions with oral ventilation. The man fortunately survived, largely because of the cool head of the coach, and he can now be seen walking hand in hand with his partner in the village.

Q. I am on my gap year and looking for work as a tutor, which I understand is very well paid. The key months for Common Entrance, AS- and A-level revision are almost upon us and, although I have my details up on the noticeboards of various local schools, I have had no inquiries. I can’t afford to advertise and I do not want to sign up with an agency because I don’t want to give up half my wages on commission. Can you recommend an internet site where I can tout myself?B.W., London SW3 A. No. The following method will reap better results. Have some photo-cards printed up and, crucially, glued to flat magnetic disks as used in sewing — available from Peter Jones’s haberdashery department.

Q. The other day I walked into a local restaurant where I saw two people I usually meet up with each year at a certain house-party. They greeted me with yelps of anticipation and asked was I excited about meeting up again next month. I had to admit that no, I wasn’t excited since our host, one of my closest friends (let’s call her Janey) who I see three times a week, has not mentioned the gathering this year and I had therefore assumed it was not taking place. My exclusion from the guest-list baffles me but my conscience is clear, so I am curious rather than hurt. Has there been some sort of misunderstanding between us?

Q. I am frequently invited to book launches. I always make a point of buying a copy of the book in question and leave the party with every enthusiastic intention of reading it. Yet these books tend to lie about on my coffee table unread, making me feel slightly guilty and embarrassed. I wonder whether, in these circumstances, should I really go to these parties at all?A.B., London W8A. Take steps to discipline yourself in the following way: each time you accept an invitation to a book launch make sure you keep the following day completely clear. Therefore if someone asks you to lunch on Wednesday, say, ‘Sorry, I’m going to a book launch on Tuesday night, so I need to keep eight hours free on the Wednesday to actually read the book.

Q. Last week I had dinner with some old friends in London. My husband was unable to join us since he was working late but came to pick me up at the end of the evening. When he arrived everyone had finished eating but we were all still sitting at the table. When a man walks into a room with ten people sitting at a table, one of whom is his wife and the other nine of whom he knows well, to whom should he correctly ‘go’ first? Opinion seems to be divided as to whether he should go first to his wife (who is quite cross with him for working late), or to one of his hosts. A.E., Wilts A. He correctly goes first to his hostess then takes in his wife en route to his host.

Q. At a recent lunch in an hotel to celebrate my parents’ wedding anniversary, my wife and I found ourselves engaged in animated conversation by our respective neighbours on all manner of interesting topics. However, in their enthusiasm they seemed totally oblivious to our need to deal with our well-behaved but still very young children who were sitting between us. What is the right balance to strike in such a situation when one’s children — both under two and being good as gold for the first hour or so — begin to show promise of hurling bread rolls all around the room?D.R., LondonA.

Q. Unlike your correspondent J.G. of Bath, I received a prompt and fulsome letter from my 15-year-old godson thanking me for the money I had sent him at Christmas. Unfortunately, this year I had sent no gifts of any kind to any of my godchildren. I did sheepishly admit this to his mother, but she refused to believe me. What should I do to rectify this?A.R., East Sussex A. The boy may have mixed you up with another godparent in a case of embarrass de richesse. You should resolve the matter by sending him some cash anyway. Remind him as you do so that there may well be another godparent to whom he owes a letter — he having possibly thanked you in error instead of the genuine beneficiary.

Q. Is there a tactful way to invite certain favourite old friends to dinner but without their partners? I have no wish to exclude or be cruel to anyone, but I know from personal experience that sometimes people are only too happy to go out separately. My own husband, for example, is delighted to be excused a drunken dinner if he has already booked in to play bridge somewhere else. Yet I always feel I must invite both members of a couple to avoid hurting feelings, and assume that most people feel they should both accept an invitation for the same reason. A.E., Pewsey, Wilts A. Why not pretend to be slightly stupider than your friends give you credit for and throw a series of astrological theme parties? Let us say your favourite old friend is a Capricorn.

Q. When I was a boy men who dyed their greying hair were something of a laughing-stock. Now I notice that many 50- and 60-something politicians, rock stars and television presenters have apparently failed to age in the normal way. I wonder whether I should prepare to follow their lead, Mary, or risk looking past it by contrast to my peers? I am only 36, but rogue white/grey hairs are starting to appear in my normally all-black thatch. D. d’F., London SW10 A. It is acceptable for males who appear on television to have had their hair coloured. Note the passive clause.

Q. A friend decided to celebrate her anticipated Christmas bonus by taking a day’s shooting and kindly invited me to be one of the guns. She emailed that most of her other guests were booked into the hotel near the estate for bed and dinner the night before. Would I like to book a room and a place at the table? My dilemma was that the shoot happens to belong to one of my greatest friends and the Scottish side of me recoiled at the thought of a hotel bill when I would be welcome in the house. I asked myself, would it be seen as pulling rank for me to stay in the house? By contrast, would it be patronising to the other guests for me not to stay there when it would have become obvious that I knew the shoot like the back of my hand? Mary, I fear I made the wrong decision.

Q. Six months ago an acquaintance asked me to lunch in the country, apparently to discuss some business she might be able to put my way. I don’t drive and the journey there and back was gruelling, involving taking a tube, then a train and then a mix-up over where we had agreed to rendezvous. The business proposition never materialised and lunch itself was a little trying. I accepted an offer from the highly energetic woman next to me (rather courageously clad in leather trousers) to go to a concert the following week. The event was pleasant enough and the lady appeared to know several people gathered in the foyer afterwards, so, having declined an offer of scrambled eggs in the outer suburbs where she resides, I thanked her and went home.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite achievers to submit personal queries for her attention. From Lord Marland Q. There are two restaurants in London which I go to very regularly. I have known the staff in both of these for a long time and they always greet me by name. ‘Yes, Mr Marland. No, Mr Marland. Three bags full, Mr Marland.’ They haven’t cottoned on to the fact that I am no longer Mister. I am not seeking to be snooty or to appear to be correcting them but how can I gracefully convey — purely for the purposes of accuracy and to put a stop to the quips from friends who are dining with me — that I am no longer Mister Marland? A. There is nothing for it but to treat your elder son to some dinners with his friends.

Q. In the summer I became engaged to a sweet young thing. We did not wish to announce our good fortune in the newspapers and have not yet set a date for our wedding. As Christmas draws nearer we are wondering to what extent we should combine our cards. Many of my friends are scattered around the world and may not meet my fiancée in the foreseeable future (although most of them — and those of my fiancée — know of my good fortune) and we wonder if it might be appropriate to send cards signed by us both, presumably with an explanation for those unlikely to be in the know. What do you think, Mary?Name withheld, London A.

Q. The convention with regard to tipping in restaurants is that one leaves 10 per cent of the bill and hopes it will go to the staff. The bill, however, includes both hidden VAT on the cost of the meal and a mark-up of 250 per cent or more on the wine. The first is a government tax, and the other has nothing to do with the staff, so I do not think I should pay 10 per cent on either. I have considered deducting one fifth of the bill and leaving 10 per cent of the remainder (after explaining to the manager what I was doing) but have not had the confidence to do so, as it might look as though my purpose was to give the staff as little as I thought I could get away with. Could I reasonably expect my point of view to be understood?C.H.C., Bath A.

Q. I attend a small weekly prayer group in my tiny local church. Some mildly personal (not intimate) matters are made topics of prayer. Before the last meeting, being a moderately vain male, I happened to have my hair styled and lightly tinted (my natural colour). Immediately on my leaving the church, the remaining three parishioners broke out into raucous laughter (I could hear them through the solid oak door). The laughter was clearly a reaction to me; I am not being paranoid. I feel reluctant to join them again, yet I should not be kept away by their finding me ridiculous. Should I ask them bluntly why they laughed at me? (‘Was it my hair, what I said, or just me?

Q. For over 23 years I have rented a beat on a South Ayrshire river. For the last six years the proprietor’s wife has cooked for my party, and her food is delicious. Since the beginning of this arrangement I have paid her a fixed sum without an invoice. This year, to my surprise, at the end of the week, her husband handed me a letter itemising the cooking costs with a hefty 30 per cent increase in the price. There was no prior notification of this increase, but I paid the account. The proprietor and his wife have become good friends, and I do not wish to upset them. How do you suggest I write to them explaining that this is not the correct way to do things and if the cook wanted an increase, it should have been mentioned ab initio when I made the booking?