Mary Killen

From Mr N.M. Gwynne Q. Have you any suggestions on how I could milk my newly raised profile (as a bestselling author on English grammar and Latin, and a regular BBC Radio 5 broadcaster on how to speak and write English, and that sort of thing) to make the acquaintance of the kind of people whom, perhaps a little to my shame, I sometimes find myself rather longing to meet — such as Miss Kate Moss, Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Mick Jagger, and, as of the past few weeks, Mrs George Clooney? A. As a bestselling author you should have no difficulty getting a contract to write a biography of any one of these celebrities. In the course of your research you will naturally have many intimate meetings with all the others on your list.

From Francis Fulford Q. Have you any suggestions for what to give my wife for Christmas? She doesn’t want anything practical and was deeply unamused when I gave her a ‘top-of-the-range’ Barbour tweed coat some years ago. So obvious things like gardening forks, dog leads etc are out of the question. My children have suggested that she would like a 50” colour TV from Argos (currently a ‘bargain’ at £299) but I am not convinced and don’t want to have her suffer a major sense of humour failure when she unwraps it in front of all our Christmas guests. A. What do women want? You need look no further than the answer given in ‘The Wife of Bath’s Tale’, which rings true even today.

From Tom Hodgkinson, Idler Academy Q. I have started my own academy where adults can learn skills such as ukulele, philosophy and calligraphy. This venture has every appearance of success: it will doubtless make money one day. I am completely free. The mother of my children is beautiful and interesting, and so are her issue. Best of all, I have not had a job since 1997. So what is my problem? Put simply, I am skint. I have been reduced to hoping to be invited to Sunday lunch with the in-laws so I can stuff my face with lamb and potatoes and thereby avoid the expense of supper. Any advice on how I can earn more money, Mary, and ‘monetise my content’? A. You are well positioned to monetise your huge data bank of contacts instead.

From Jesse Norman MP Q. We’ve been having a little local difficulty at work with one or two colleagues who vigorously assert their loyalty to the organisation, but then go and join a would-be competitor. It’s not that this is bad for morale; on the contrary. But it confuses some of our customers. Your advice would be most welcome. A. Take the tip of a top industrialist who never tried to refuse a resignation: congratulate the deserter effusively on his decision and declare publicly that he and his new organisation will make an excellent fit and wish him well. Finish with the wise words of Sacha Guitry: ‘When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal queries for her attention. From Jesse Norman MP Q. We’ve been having a little local difficulty at work with one or two colleagues who vigorously assert their loyalty to the organisation, but then go and join a would-be competitor. It’s not that this is bad for morale; on the contrary. But it confuses some of our customers. Your advice would be most welcome. A. Take the tip of a top industrialist who never tried to refuse a resignation: congratulate the deserter effusively on his decision and declare publicly that he and his new organisation will make an excellent fit and wish him well.

Q. There has been a marked increase in the number of people who have pristine flooring and are so keen not to have outside dirt brought in that it has, in my view, entered the value system of good manners for me to offer to remove my shoes when arriving at their homes. That’s fine. But in the evening, especially if I’m invited to a dinner or drinks party, I think about my shoes according to the rest of my outfit. To then have to take off the soft, possibly Jimmy Choo, suede shoes or delicate leather boots and spend the evening in barely stockinged feet is, to me, uncomfortable and a wasted opportunity of dangling around in lovely footwear. To be offered a disposable Muji slipper would be even worse. Is there any way I can stay sartorially intact without causing offence?

Q. My future son-in-law has been successfully house-trained in the use of upper-middle-class English over the years that he has been walking out with my daughter. However, one bad habit remains. How can I cure him of saying ‘must of’ when he means ‘must have’? He always says ‘of’ very clearly, as though he really means it. I dare not correct him for fear of making him feel inadequate. —Name and address withheld A. First disarm him with praise. Find an excuse to praise the fluency and elegance of his conversation, perhaps by comparing him with a less articulate contemporary. Then add, ‘And I don’t think I’ve ever caught you making a grammatical error — except of course for “must of”.

Q. I am organising my 21st birthday party at our family house in Italy. It is a fantastic location, but it means that I can only invite about 20 guests. The result of this is that I am unable to invite a group of friends from a university society of which I am a member, despite several of them having invited me to their parties. I will be inviting one person from the group (I knew him away from the society), so the rest will become aware of it. I feel bad for not inviting them, but they are simply not any of my 20 closest friends. Is there anything you would suggest I do to show that I have not ignored them? — H.G., Plaxtol A.

Q. We have moved to the country and my husband often prefers me to drive — not because he wants to drink, but just because he’s quite a lazy fellow by nature. My problem is that his back-seat driving is making our journeys intolerable as he keeps telling me how to drive. Apart from this we get on well, so how can I end his control freakery in a car? — Name withheld, Sittingbourne, Kent A. Next time he asks you to drive, say you will only do so if he agrees to wear an airline-style eye mask (keep a stockpile in the glove compartment) and leave you to get on with it. This should put a stop to the nuisance and, in the meantime, he can enjoy a power nap. Q. A grand neighbour and his wife are invited to the same long weekend as I am.

Q. The Idler Academy is within walking distance of my house and I note from the programme of autumn events that my own son is due to give a talk there. We get on well but he hasn’t mentioned this debut, probably because he knows how irritating it would be for him to see me beaming adoringly out of the audience. I calculate that the venue holds 50 people at most so there is no way I could go unnoticed. A disguise would be absurd. I would be so interested to hear what he has to say, but obviously I don’t want to disconcert him or throw him off his stride. I don’t believe Idler talks are repeated online so how can I enjoy this one? — C.F., London W11 A. The Idler Academy has a garden behind the speaking area.

Q. I graduated this year (I got a first) and have written more than 70 letters to potential employers. Those who deigned to reply just sent formulaic acknowledgements and regrets. People who know me can’t believe the apathy. Everything I’ve already achieved (without parental help) is there in my CV. Volunteering, sport, my own small business… Moreover, I’ve already raised enough money by my own efforts to be able to work without being paid for six months, an offer I’ve included in all my applications. Clearly, the employers are just too busy to read my CV. If they did, they would definitely give me at least an interview. Any suggestions? — Name and address withheld A.