Mary Killen

Q. We have been invited to a small but formal dinner in the presence of someone who has been a lifelong hero to my husband. Tragically, my husband has developed anxieties about bladder control in high-level social situations where there may be difficulty accessing a loo. Hence he wants me to refuse this prized invitation. – Name and address withheld A. Nurse Kate steps in to address this problem. ‘It sounds as though rather than incontinence itself, your husband has an urge/frequency problem, which could be tackled with bladder training and possibly some quite effective medication. For the purposes of his night out, I would recommend a product readily available in chemists called Tena Men Premium Fit Level 4 Pants. They come in packs of ten for around £8.

Q. The Queen had the knack of making you feel that you were the only person in the room. At parties I find a few friends are listening to other people’s conversations as they listen to you, and give themselves away by interjecting a sudden response to the other conversation. Mary, what could I say that is more tactful than: ‘Am I boring you?!’ – A.S., Petersfield A. As an equalising strategy quip: ‘I must admit I was tempted to chip in to that conversation myself. I suppose we must have been boring each other!’ Q. I plan to travel from Gloucestershire to pay my respects to Queen Elizabeth, and I’m happy to stand in the queue for however long it takes.

Q. We have made available our mews cottage – 30 yards from our main house – to a woman with small children, who has had a tough time recently through no fault of her own. She will be staying pending her divorce. Our problem is that she keeps asking us to dinner. We like her and she is a good cook and we understand that she is trying to give something back since we are not charging rent. However, our lives are just too busy to see even our very best friends more than once a month. We can’t use any of the normal excuses, e.g. that we are away or have people ourselves, because she can see us from her window. What do you suggest, Mary? – Name withheld, London W2 A. Decide to write a book. Why not actually write one?

Q. I have had an email inviting me to an old girls’ reunion, class of 1976. The organiser suggested we ‘reply all’ so that everyone could see who else was able to attend. Now I have had no fewer than four super-excited emails from other old girls saying they can’t wait till the reunion, so can we meet up separately before that? I can hardly fit in seeing my family and close friends, let alone people I haven’t seen for 45 years, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. – Name and address withheld A. Email each of the four women saying you too can’t wait to see them ASAP. However, a friend who has also organised an old girls’ reunion says it would be very bad form.

Q. How can I find out, without making things awkward, whether one of my close male friends fancies one of my close female friends? They have known each other for years but until recently were both in long-term relationships. Now she has developed a major crush on him. Is there a way I could help to move things forward? It is too risky to tell him directly, because if he’s not interested, it could spoil the whole dynamic of our group. – Name and address withheld A. Wait till you are alone with the male friend and scrolling on your phones. Randomly mention the female’s name, e.g: ‘Oh wow, X is running in a marathon today!’ Then, in an absent-minded manner: ‘Hey – weren’t you guys an item back in the day?

Q. Some older American friends take me and my husband out to dinner once a year when they are over in London. They are very old-school and it’s always a gastronomic feast. Last autumn – and I’ve been mulling this over in my head since then – we went to one of London’s best hotels, where I had grouse as my main course. Something had obviously gone wrong with my order as it was totally raw, and I don’t just mean slightly bloody – it had not been anywhere near an oven. I think my hosts would have been mortified if I had complained to our waiter. It was dark in the hotel so they could not see my plate. In the unlikely (I hope) event of this happening again, what should I do? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My parents are abroad for two months and as my flatmates in London are all, like me, working from home, I’ve moved to their country cottage to get some peace. This is an idyllic and very community-based village but one unforeseen problem has arisen. The house is at the end of a cul-de-sac lane and every time I nip out to do anything – post a letter, buy a pint of milk – I run into neighbours, each one requiring at least a five-minute chat. Short errands are taking an hour to complete. Without seeming to be unfriendly, how can I, on weekdays, give the message I am busy getting stuff done? – Q.R., Lincolnshire A. Why not take up roller-skating?

Q. Everyone was divine at a very jolly lunch I attended in the Cotswolds with the exception of one person, who everyone else seems to know and like, but about whom I have always had a mild phobia. Fortunately I didn’t have to sit anywhere near him but when I wrote to my host he told me this particular man had asked for my contact details. I really don’t want him to make contact with me. How can I duck out of this in a diplomatic way, Mary? – N.H., Gloucestershire A. You will have to just say ‘do pass them on’. If an invitation from the feared figure is then forthcoming respond immediately. Thank him with enthusiasm but explain that since you owe so many people a return of hospitality, you have had to impose a strict rule upon yourself.

Q. I was billeted for a party in Norfolk with a couple previously unknown to me. They were more than welcoming but quite formal – hence I felt awkward about asking them if they could change a £50 note so I could leave £10 for their cleaner (it was all I had in my wallet). It seemed a bit of a crass thing to ask of this particular elderly couple. Having come from the station by taxi, I had no car of my own so couldn’t drive to a cashpoint. There were no other guests staying in the house. There were no shops within walking distance and I was getting a taxi back to the station. I agonised and ended up leaving nothing. Should I have left £50 in the circumstances? What else could I have done, Mary? – M.L., London SW10 A.

Q. I have found parties frustrating this month because they have been too crowded. Is there a polite way to get through a really packed event without stopping to talk to any number of people you know and like and have things to say to, when someone you particularly want to talk to is at the other end of the room and may leave before you can get to them? – B.A., London SW1 A. It’s always worth picking up two glasses when you walk into a busy party. They will allow you to plough purposefully on towards your target. Hold the two glasses up and tell your old friends as you pass: ‘Back in a minute – let me just deliver this.’ Q. I have invited an old friend to Sunday lunch, thinking he was bringing a special lamp to illuminate an artwork he has restored.

Q. This year once again my company took a small group of clients to lunch at Royal Ascot. Our guests included a couple of former clients we asked along for old times’ sake. These have both written not only to thank us but to say we can count them in for next year’s lunch as they ‘wouldn’t miss it for the world’. Fond as we are of these former clients, to be brutally honest we can’t afford to have them every year as we need to invite current spenders. Any thoughts, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Tell them they were a great asset at the lunch and their names are definitely going into the hat for next year. When they ask ‘What hat?

Q. I have heard news of a forthcoming party which I would really love to attend. The problem is that the party is being given by a man I have met on a handful of occasions, during which we always got on like a house on fire. Unfortunately we twice left the ball in my court to arrange to meet up for a proper chat. I wanted to but never got around to it and now assume he must have felt snubbed as he has not invited me to this fairly big party. Any suggestions, Mary? – M.W., London W8 A. Make things right immediately by telephoning to invite him to dinner. Can he come on… then give the date of his own party. He is bound to explain the reason he is busy that night and invite you along. Don’t forget to follow up with a proper appointment for a one-to-one dinner. Q.

Q. My girlfriend and I have started using a personal trainer for some joint sessions at our local gym; the sessions are generally very good and we are really enjoying them. The issue is that the trainer spends quite a lot of the time on his mobile phone and it often distracts him from what he is meant to be teaching us. Sometimes we have to ask him what we are doing next while he is scrolling on his device. We are paying a lot and expect a better service, but I find it awkward saying anything to him about his phone habits. Any suggestions? – Name and address withheld A. When he starts using his mobile, pull out your own and exclaim jollily: ‘Oh good, we’re having a break are we? What a relief!’ This should embarrass him into desisting.

Q. A close friend, who has lost most of her income in recent years, has done something disfiguring to a front tooth – it looks as if she’s used Polyfilla to repair it herself. She tries to never smile so no one will see, but sadly it is highly visible. I’d be happy to pay for a dentist for her but she is proud and would hate me to patronise her. – Name and address withheld A. Collude with your own dentist. If the dentist is the right sort, you may be able to spin your friend a yarn – for example that, for the purposes of teaching junior dentists, your dentist, who has become a bit of a friend, has asked you to look out for a volunteer patient on whom to demonstrate reconstructive surgery.