Mary Killen

Q. This year once again my company took a small group of clients to lunch at Royal Ascot. Our guests included a couple of former clients we asked along for old times’ sake. These have both written not only to thank us but to say we can count them in for next year’s lunch as they ‘wouldn’t miss it for the world’. Fond as we are of these former clients, to be brutally honest we can’t afford to have them every year as we need to invite current spenders. Any thoughts, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Tell them they were a great asset at the lunch and their names are definitely going into the hat for next year. When they ask ‘What hat?

Q. I have heard news of a forthcoming party which I would really love to attend. The problem is that the party is being given by a man I have met on a handful of occasions, during which we always got on like a house on fire. Unfortunately we twice left the ball in my court to arrange to meet up for a proper chat. I wanted to but never got around to it and now assume he must have felt snubbed as he has not invited me to this fairly big party. Any suggestions, Mary? – M.W., London W8 A. Make things right immediately by telephoning to invite him to dinner. Can he come on… then give the date of his own party. He is bound to explain the reason he is busy that night and invite you along. Don’t forget to follow up with a proper appointment for a one-to-one dinner. Q.

Q. My girlfriend and I have started using a personal trainer for some joint sessions at our local gym; the sessions are generally very good and we are really enjoying them. The issue is that the trainer spends quite a lot of the time on his mobile phone and it often distracts him from what he is meant to be teaching us. Sometimes we have to ask him what we are doing next while he is scrolling on his device. We are paying a lot and expect a better service, but I find it awkward saying anything to him about his phone habits. Any suggestions? – Name and address withheld A. When he starts using his mobile, pull out your own and exclaim jollily: ‘Oh good, we’re having a break are we? What a relief!’ This should embarrass him into desisting.

Q. A close friend, who has lost most of her income in recent years, has done something disfiguring to a front tooth – it looks as if she’s used Polyfilla to repair it herself. She tries to never smile so no one will see, but sadly it is highly visible. I’d be happy to pay for a dentist for her but she is proud and would hate me to patronise her. – Name and address withheld A. Collude with your own dentist. If the dentist is the right sort, you may be able to spin your friend a yarn – for example that, for the purposes of teaching junior dentists, your dentist, who has become a bit of a friend, has asked you to look out for a volunteer patient on whom to demonstrate reconstructive surgery.

Q. In order to raise money for a worthwhile cause, I have agreed to open my garden for the first time and provide a sit-down lunch for 30. My problem is that there are certain local people who I really don’t want to come and snoop around, but I fear that once they see the advertisement they will be the first to buy tickets and thereby displace slower-off-the mark locals whose company I would genuinely enjoy. Can you help, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Insert a codicil at the end of the advertisement warning: ‘Places are limited and will be balloted.’ Q. How do you reply to summer invitations which are sent out many weeks in advance when you cannot predict whether you will even be in the country at the time?

Q. My wife’s father, who she adored, has died and she is to be his sole beneficiary. She intends to import a mass of low-grade ‘ornaments’ and unappealing furniture into our home. I’m afraid these things will, to be blunt, lower the tone of the house I inherited myself. I am fairly well-known in the art world – so it matters. Any advice, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Enthuse to your wife that you feel her late father’s possessions, so redolent of his distinctive character, would get lost if inserted piecemeal into the existing decor of your house. Instead, why not make it a project to magically recreate the atmosphere of his former home by clearing a room and turning it over to his memory?

Q. I’m 28 and lucky enough to own a four-bed house in Notting Hill. I let three of the rooms to friends. One of these now has her boyfriend over regularly. It was fine when he just stayed the night occasionally but he is now omnipresent and even brings his dirty washing over. The boyfriend contributes nothing to the running costs of the house and I feel I should say something as the rest of us are effectively subsidising him. How can I do this without causing offence? – H.N.A.M., London W11 A. Collude with one of the male lodgers. Script him so that, at a time when all four of you are sitting down together, he announces casually that he is toying, just toying, with the idea of moving to another house nearer to his place of work. He hasn’t yet decided.

Q. Some years ago, much to the surprise of our many friends in London, my husband and I moved to a remote village in Wales. We have never regretted it and often enthused to others about the area. Now we have been taken by surprise since two friends have bought a house in our village, citing our happiness as the reason for their move. While we like this couple, we don’t know them terribly well and are worried they will expect to see an awful lot of us. Our biggest dread is that, since there is bad signal here, they will assume it is OK for them to drop in without ringing first. How, without seeming unfriendly, can we respectfully draw boundaries when they have moved in? – R.M., Wales A. Tell these people how thrilled you are about their imminent move.

Q. We went for lunch over the bank holiday with the parents of one of my son’s schoolfriends. We had hardly talked to them before this. They and their friends were perfectly nice but my problem is that the slightly pushy wife kept photographing us. I am not on social media myself and had no idea she intended to put the photos all over her Instagram. For all sorts of reasons we are unhappy about the misleading impression these photos (and their captions) give of the degree of our friendship. Is there a tactful way of asking someone you don’t know that well not to post photographs of you on their social media? I can’t think how I could have done this at the time without seeming snobbish. – Name and address withheld A.

Q. As a publisher, I have been fortunate to discover an unpublished writer who is the author of some truly remarkable poetry. I have made my selection and want to go ahead with his first collection, but my stumbling block is that he is adamant that, along with the remarkable verses, I must include other work which is certainly not of the same quality. To include what is frankly doggerel would compromise the rest of the work. He is beginning to be querulous about this and says he now doubts my judgment. Mary, how can I persuade him that I know best? – Name and address withheld A. Tell him that you have been thinking about the disputed poems and have suddenly been able to clarify the reason for your instinctive rejection.

Q. Financially successful friends have kindly invited my husband and me to stay for a week in France. Our problem is that last time we went they asked each couple to post €200 for tips through the hatch of a postbox-style container so they could share out the money appropriately after everyone had left. Named envelopes were discouraged on the grounds that ‘I trust you all’. Annoyingly, later that year, I happened to overhear my host mention that one couple (of the ten staying) had failed to contribute. Mary, how can I ensure that he knows we have paid our dues when the moment comes round again? – J.L., Cornwall A. Ask your host to remind you of the nearest ATM the day before you leave.

Q. A great friend is in a terrible state regarding a cat foisted on her by a close relation. She has become very attached to it but it keeps going next door through her neighbour’s cat flap and eating the neighbour’s cats’ food. The neighbour is a high-profile elderly lady who is getting annoyed. My friend, who is supposed to be getting on with her next book, is now reduced to standing with a water pistol ready to squirt her cat if it tries to enter the neighbour’s house. My friend has offered to pay for a digital cat flap but the neighbour has replied that in the warm weather she will be leaving her garden doors, not just the cat flap, open. Moreover she leaves ‘wet’ food out all day and apparently this is very tempting. Any advice, Mary? – E.

Q. My brother’s social life has dried up since his divorce (which coincided with the pandemic). So when he received a ‘save the date’ notice to a big mixed-generation party in August, I was happy to think of him catching up with old friends. Now he has been told that the party is to be themed and guests are expected to dress up as their favourite fast food. I am sure the younger guests will embrace this idea with enthusiasm, but my brother is balking at the thought of having to create such a costume. The hosts are great fun but are being quite bossy about the dress code and I fear that, without his ex to nag him, my brother will cancel rather than face this challenge. Any ideas, Mary? – K.B., East Sussex A. Don’t waste too much time on this.

Q. I live in the Hampshire countryside, in a lovely apartment where I have the use of an old walled garden which I share with the occupant of the adjacent apartment. My issue is with my neighbour, an elderly eco-warrior. His latest crusade involves building a variety of hedgehog hotels scattered about the garden. My subtle suggestions that Mr and Mrs Tiggywinkle would struggle to scale the heights of the garden walls have fallen upon deaf ears. To make matters worse, Mr Samuel Whiskers and his wife Anna Maria have now taken up residence in one of these five-star abodes, and I worry that before long there will be the pitter-patter of tiny feet. Mary, how do I broach the subject with my gentlemanly neighbour? – C.S., Winchester, Hampshire A.

Q. My husband has developed an irksome habit whenever he goes abroad without me. We have cameras outside the house which are programmed to alert him by iPhone when anyone comes or goes. As soon as I go into the garden I receive WhatsApp messages commenting on my activities, such as ‘I’m not sure you watered the garden for long enough’ and ‘You forgot to bolt the shed door’. Mary, I find this ‘spying’ annoying – what should I do? — J.F., London SW12 A. An internet connection is required to allow security camera footage to be accessed remotely. Therefore, when you wish to enjoy some privacy in your own back garden, simply flick a switch to turn off the wifi.

Q. These days I am on a tight budget while many of my friends are still able to spend freely. Often when I meet someone for lunch or dinner they eat and drink far more than I do (I am careful to eat only what I can afford) yet they still presume I will be up for splitting the bill down the middle. They are not doing this out of meanness – just not thinking about how broke I am compared to in the past. I live in dread of quibbling. What do you suggest? — F.J., London SW6 A. Wait till the bill arrives, then pre-empt the presumption by pleasantly asking the waiter, ‘Oh, would you mind telling me how much I owe? That will save me the trouble of working it out for myself.’ Q.

Q. Rory Sutherland recently wrote about high-end takeaways (Wiki Man, 19 February). In the last London lockdown, I was fortunate to use the Supper app to try a number of gourmet takeaways from places such as Nobu, Coya Mayfair and Park Chinois, spending up to £100 per head. What surprised me, given that someone had driven halfway across town at speed to deliver the food, was that no service charge was added. I considered this far greater service and effort than one receives in a restaurant, but my fellow diners were aghast when I insisted on giving 10-20 per cent as a tip to the driver. What is the correct protocol here, Mary? – S.F., Chesterfield A. A tip on top of what has been factored into your bill as payment to the delivery driver is entirely voluntary.