KJ Lamb

‘Have you tried turning it off and on again?’

‘I’ve said I don’t want Tony Blair at our Christmas drinks – but what if he turns up anyway?’

‘Would you prefer to hear your operation’s been cancelled by email, post, SMS, phone, WhatsApp, Google Chat – or all of the above?’

‘Don’t tell anyone, but it’s my emotional support parrot.’

‘I can’t sleep, I’m so excited about the prospect of a new Labour deputy leader.’

‘What does AI recommend?’

‘It’s time to consider your options.’

'The art of the kneel'

‘The government just keeps on digging.’

‘No Dylan, you can’t blame everything on climate change.’

‘You can’t read it – it’s covered by a superinjunction.’

‘We’ll have a red – but not full-bodied’

‘Which pop group did you disapprove of in the war, Daddy?’

‘Why wasn’t he put on Ozempic?’

‘A bottle of your robust red to go with the gentle parenting.’

‘What can you recommend that’s influencer-approved?’

‘Anyone legally defined as a woman and children first.’

‘Have you got anything protein-enriched?’