John Andrews

A Martian called Zog visits Earth to see what it can offer in the way of the latest investment funds. He meets an independent financial adviser called Charlie who asks him what kind of investment he’s looking for. ‘I’ve been reading about funds of funds,’ says Zog. ‘They sound good. You get access to a range of managers, each of whom invests in a different style. So if some of them aren’t performing well at any time, the others might be. Overall, you increase your chances of making money. And by spreading your money across several funds, you reduce the risk of losing all your money if something goes wrong with one particular fund.’ ‘I don’t like funds of funds at all,’ Charlie snorts. ‘Too expensive.

In the mountains south of Zurich, as winter approaches, the farmers bring their cows down. The snowbound higher pastures will soon be empty, and the precious cattle walk down in traditional processions, some decorated with small flowers, the streets of the villages echoing with the sound of the famous cowbells. It’s a time-honoured tradition, and no one is ancient enough to remember when it began. Switzerland, the world’s oldest democracy, has existed as a recognisable country for over 700 years, and that’s enough time to build up more than a few traditions.

John Andrews says investing is like motoring: it’s not the vehicle that’s dangerous but the way it’s driven Dave wins millions on the lottery, and the first thing he does is sprint down to the nearest Ferrari showroom and jump into the latest model with extra-deep bass woofers and a little fold-down table for his can of Red Bull. His mother spits out her tea with fright. ‘You’ll kill yourself!’, she screams. ‘Why don’t you buy something safer, like a Vauxhall?’ ‘Mam’, he says, ‘if I drive the Ferrari at 200 mph down the wrong side of the M1, blindfold...’ his mother starts to hyperventilate, ‘...you’re right, I’ll kill myself.