Cockburn

Cockburn

Mischief, mayhem and Washington gossip. Send tips and party invites to cockburn@thespectator.com.

Steve Bannon’s army of lookalikes

Stephen K. Bannon positioned himself as the godfather of a new American political movement. Now he’s cultivated the aesthetic of a true guru. Bannon appeared on Fox News's Sunday Morning Futures sporting a new, more laid-back summer look, with flowing gray locks and a Mediterranean tan, as if he'd wandered off the set of a mid-Nineties Coen Brothers movie. https://twitter.com/maggieserota/status/1295035966344830984 Cockburn knows it's rather unfair to judge political figures by their physical appearances — particularly someone like Steve Bannon, who has been scrutinized for wearing two collared shirts at once by podcasters and described as looking like 'if Nick Offerman drowned' by comedians.

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Karlie Kloss, renaissance woman

Is there nothing Karlie Kloss can't do? The Midwest-born supermodel and minor member of the Trump Expanded Cinematic Universe has proven herself to be something of a polymath since hanging up her Victoria's Secret Angel wings in 2015. The 29-year-old heads up a coding program to get more young women involved in STEM, hosts the Bravo show Project Runway and, as The Spectator revealed earlier this year, helps craft government healthcare policy through her father Kurt and brother-in-law Jared Kushner. But besides fashion, Kloss's true passion is investing. It's something she must have picked up from her husband, Josh Kushner. Clearly Kloss has an eye for a canny deal, as she's set to splash the cash in the famously lucrative world of legacy print media.

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Ben Shapiro, WAP and the banality of the porn generation

In Mike Judge’s 2006 film Idiocracy, an early over-the-top indicator of future Earth’s stupidity is the number-one movie in the country: eight-time Oscar winner Ass, which is nothing but 90 minutes of its title proudly displayed.It turns out, though, that Judge’s vision of the future was not over-the-top at all. In fact, it was shockingly tame. Idiocracy took place in 2505, but Ass only took until 2020.The most popular song in America right now is Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s ‘WAP’. The title is short for ‘wet ass pussy’, and the lyrics get even less Shakespearean from there. The song is accompanied by a big-budget, hyper-sexualized music video that has already been viewed on YouTube close to 100 million times in five days.

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The antifa aesthetic

Two months ago, opinion editor James Bennet left the New York Times after, among other things, publishing a senator’s claim that antifa had infiltrated Black Lives Matter protests.Now, two months later, the press doesn’t just admit antifa’s existence. It’s giving them glamorous photo spreads.The Washington Post on Saturday released an essay profiling Portland antifa. The piece never uses the word 'riot'; 'violence' is only mentioned in reference to clashes with the right, not police or besieged courthouse personnel. But the heart of the article isn’t its text. It’s the Post’s determined effort to show that while far-left rioters may claim to be anti-fascism, they are definitely not anti-fashion.

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ICEbae joins OnlyFans

Lock me up! If you hate illegal immigration and love thirst traps, Cockburn has wonderful news for you.Kiara ‘ICEbae’ Cervantes, a Customs and Border Protection Officer who went viral last year when pictured at the border with Vice President Mike Pence, has made an OnlyFans account.For a monthly payment of $30, fans of the stunning border officer will have access to her personalized NSFW content. 'Ask and you shall receive 😜,' her bio reads. 'Excited to get personal and closer to my amazing and loving fans! 2020 has been rough, but hopefully I can be your reason to smile and push through these difficult times! ☺️'‘I think I'm coming down with a case of undocumentation!’ one user joked. ‘Tell AOC we breaking up and tell ICE to come get me!

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Republicans steal the show in HBO’s The Swamp

It’s quite rare for Republicans to get a starring role in the entertainment industry, let alone on an HBO production. The Swamp, a new documentary, is a fascinating exception.The documentary mainly focuses on the bipartisan effort to stop corruption in DC through reforms on issues like party leadership influence, campaign spending, lobbying and executive war power. HBO tells this story mainly through the lenses of Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida and Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky, who have their own respective attempts at bipartisan legislative reforms during a partisan impeachment impeachment. But Cockburn wasn’t that taken with the public policy. There are too many humorous moments in the documentary to focus on such tedium. Here are the real highlights.

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The New York Times thinks ‘nice white parents’ are the root of all evil

Cockburn was recently made aware of a new production at the New York Times, bearing the ominous-in-2020 title Nice White Parents. The podcast, launched on Thursday, is the work of the same people who created Serial, the preposterously popular true crime podcast. This time, Team Serial digs into New York City’s public school system, and specifically, the group they say is the root of all pedagogical evils. 'We’ve tried standardized tests, and charter schools,’ narrator Chana Joffe-Walt solemnly intones in the first episode. 'We’ve tried smaller classes, longer school days, stricter discipline, looser discipline, tracking, differentiation. We’ve decided the problem is teachers, the problem is parents.

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The curious Umbrella Man myth

One of your irritating cousins on Facebook may have already shared the news about 'Umbrella Man'. The man appeared in a May 27 viral video out of Minneapolis, smashing windows and spraying graffiti at an AutoZone, before quickly departing. Shortly after, the AutoZone was plundered and set ablaze by the mob. Soon, hundreds of businesses across Minneapolis were smashed, looted or destroyed. Rioters exposed the impotence of Minneapolis police by seizing a precinct building and setting it on fire. Within days, riots and looting had scarred not just major cities like Chicago and Los Angeles, but once-sleepy locales like Fort Wayne, Green Bay or Olympia.

umbrella A fire illuminates protesters standing on a barricade in front of the Third Police Precinct in Minneapolis

Kimberly Guilfoyle: devout Catholic?

Kimberly Guilfoyle has a surprising message for Catholics come November: vote for Donald J. Trump. The former Fox News host, now senior adviser to the President’s reelection campaign and girlfriend of Don Jr, spoke Monday about the role her Catholic faith plays in supporting Trump.While Guilfoyle makes some convincing arguments, Cockburn has a feeling her checkered past may scare some Catholics away.West Coasters certainly remember Guilfoyle for when she was married to then-San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom, who of course is now the governor of the Golden State. At the time, Guilfoyle was known to be a charming figure, with her media nickname being ‘the babe of the San Francisco bar’. She was quite open about her sex life too.

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Hydroxychloroquine provides temporary immunity to Don Jr’s tweets

Is that a face mask — or a gag? The President’s son, Donald Trump Jr, has had the functionality of his Twitter account restricted after sharing a video which supposedly breaches the site’s COVID misinformation policy. Jack Dorsey slapped Don Jr on the wrist for posting footage of the America’s Frontline Doctors Press Conference, which was held outside the Supreme Court on Monday. In the video, doctors from the newly-formed group claim that masks are unnecessary to prevent the spread of the virus, and that there is a cure to COVID-19. The President himself also retweeted the footage. As he told Dave Portnoy last week, ‘It’s the retweets that get you into trouble.

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Portnoy 2024, anyone?

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy has released his hotly anticipated interview with President Trump. Normally, in media, an interview with the president of the United States is considered a major score. But in 2020, in some circles, a non-hostile conversation with the Commander-in-Chief is a controversial act. https://twitter.com/stoolpresidente/status/1286726116594647049?s=20 https://twitter.com/stoolpresidente/status/1286729956500922373?s=20 https://twitter.com/stoolpresidente/status/1286733637698768896?s=20 In a way, it is shame. Barstool’s appeal has long been apolitical. The company’s edgy, comedic style resonates with college-aged Americans of all persuasions.

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Turning Point USA takes on the Academy

Conservatives are starting to vote with their wallets when it comes to countering the leftist bent of college campuses.Turning Point USA, the student-focused conservative nonprofit, recently announced its new project, ‘DivestU’, which encourages conservative Americans to stop donating to their alma maters. The idea? To show that left-wing bias will no longer be tolerated. The move comes at a time when universities anticipate financial struggles as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. President Trump even threatened earlier this month to reconsider the federal funding and tax-exempt status of universities that ‘are about Radical Left Indoctrination’. Do conservatives finally have the attention of the liberal elite that run the nation’s colleges?

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If a video is viral, who cares if it’s fake?

After two months, the 'mostly peaceful' label for the riots gripping American cities is wearing a touch thin. That’s not just because it fails to satisfy conservatives and moderates, who puzzle over how 'mostly peaceful' demonstrations leave so many downtowns torched. It also fails to satisfy the actual rioters. They insist their demonstrations are very violent, courtesy of brutal tactics from the police officers they want abolished.'Proof' of such violence went viral on Wednesday. The video was first shared by Twitter user @Andy_Resist, but was swiftly magnified by a different Andy. This one bore Twitter’s hallowed blue checkmark and enough followers to populate a small city, or a few dozen 'mostly peaceful' protests. https://twitter.

Fact-checking the New Yorker fact-checkers

The most recent issue of the New Yorker includes a 5,000-word feature on the police (summary: they are racist). In it, staff writer Jill Lepore drops this frightful fact to illustrate the barbarism of America’s uniformed enforcers:'One study suggests that two-thirds of Americans between the ages of 15 and 34 who were treated in emergency rooms suffered from injuries inflicted by police and security guards, about as many people as the number of pedestrians injured by motor vehicles.'Cockburn started writing precisely to avoid ever doing math again, but even to him, this claim sounded like a howler. Two-thirds of all emergency room visits by American young adults were for police injuries?

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A naked protester sits in front of police

LA Times thirsts after ‘Naked Athena’

'She emerged as an apparition from clouds of tear gas', writes Richard Read; '[a] woman wearing nothing but a black face mask and a stocking cap'. No, you are not reading cyberpunk erotica. You are reading the Los Angeles Times. Read's article is ostensibly about protests in Portland, and the Trump administration’s attempts to suppress them through the use of federal agents. As he writes about the naked activist who so entranced social media this weekend, though, things get a bit uncomfortable. 'The woman making her statement Saturday was altogether uninhibited,' Read declares, getting right to the meat of his story, 'at one point standing on one leg and raising her arms in an arc-type motion.' Richard. How closely were you watching her?

Do Democrats want Trump to deny the election outcome?

In an appearance for MSNBC’s Morning Joe, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised the specter that President Trump might lose in November, but then refuse to vacate the White House premises until forced out by noxious chemicals: https://twitter.com/politicususa/status/1285225043988029447 Of course, Pelosi does not remain leader of the ever-transmogrifying Democratic party by expressing original thoughts. She stays in the Speaker’s chair by dutifully amplifying the phobias and obsessions of the DNC rank and file. And this is no exception. By this point, the thought of President Trump refusing to leave power is a genuine mania of the left.The prompt this time was President Trump’s weekend interview with Mike Wallace’s son at Fox News.

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Finally: Diamond and Silk are releasing a book

Whenever Cockburn has watched Diamond and Silk, whether they’re getting a heroes’ welcome at CPAC or sassing a left-wing celebrity in one of their viral videos, the same thought has always crossed his mind: when will this dynamic duo claim their rightful mantle in the literary pantheon? When can he sit down and peruse 256 pages of their incisive political commentary, as they follow in the footsteps of William F. Buckley Jr. and Ayn Rand and advance American conservative thought? Mercifully, the wait is over. The African American Trump-loving duo, real names Lynnette Hardaway and Rochelle Richardson, who sailed to notoriety throughout the 2016 campaign, release their debut book Uprising: Who the Hell Said You Can't Ditch and Switch?

In Los Angeles, school’s out…forever?

Americans have mixed feelings about opening schools this fall. Some — like the Trump administration’s Department of Education — want schools to reopen, withholding federal dollars from those that remain closed. However, the majority of Americans see opening schools as a health risk to their children.After two-thirds of teachers opposed the reopening of schools, the Los Angeles School District will not be returning to in-person classes this fall. However, United Teachers Los Angeles, the main teachers' union in the city, seemingly wants to suspend the return of quality instruction indefinitely. UTLA — composed of 35,000 teachers — released a list of policy demands that must be met before schools reopen.

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The AOC Cookbook: my adobo recipe

When Cockburn heard that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was calling for a boycott of Goya, he wondered what the dead Spanish painter had done wrong. Fortunately, a member of the Latinx community was on hand to explain in non-gendered grammar that it’s Goya foods that we must shun. Goya sells high-quality food at low prices. But Robert Unanue, its CEO, made the mistake of expressing approval of President Trump. America, Unanue said, is ‘blessed’ to have Trump in charge. ‘Oh look, it’s the sound of me Googling how to make your own Adobo,’ Ocasio-Cortez tweeted. So the bean is banned. The salsa is censored. The flan is forbidden. The guac is gone.

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Sister act: did Kerri Greenidge sign the Harper’s letter or not?

Have you met the Greenidge sisters — Kirsten, Kerri, and Kaitlyn? They are quite the trio. Kirsten, the eldest, is a playwright who teaches at Boston University; Kerri, the middle one, is a historian and the director of American Studies at Tufts University; and youngest Kaitlyn is the author of the award-winning We Love You, Charlie Freeman who also writes for the New York Times. Fancy that? Kerri has found herself in hot water this week after she signed the now notorious Harper’s letter in defense of free thought and free expression. She appears to have been stunned by the hostile reaction the letter received. Within hours of its publication she tweeted: ‘I do not endorse this @harpers letter. I am in contact with Harper’s about a retraction.

Kerri Greenidge, Photo: Twitter