Cockburn

Joe Biden has had a lot to worry about lately. First, according to his own account, he has cancer thanks to emissions from oil refineries near his childhood home in Delaware: "That’s why I and so damn many other people I grew up with have cancer and why for the longest time Delaware had the highest cancer rate in the nation." A White House spokesman later clarified that Biden had had "non-melanoma skin cancers" removed before he took office, though that doesn't explain why he claimed he has cancer now. Apparently he's contracted Covid too. The president tested positive today and will be isolating at the White House.

Cockburn remembers well the Colbert Insurrection back in June, when several staffers on Stephen Colbert's Late Show were arrested for trespassing at the Capitol. Yet he's since been surprised to learn that the US Attorney’s Office for the District of Columbia has dropped all charges. Despite the clear and evident danger of the Colbert staffers, the Capitol Police released a statement saying: The United States Capitol Police was just informed the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the District of Columbia is declining to prosecute the case. We respect the decision that office has made. Any questions about that decision should be referred to the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the District of Columbia. If the Colbert crew got their cases dismissed, then what about the January 6ers?

Dr. Fauci has announced that he will retire soon — and Cockburn is popping Champagne. Anthony Fauci, surely the most (in)famous scientist in the United States, has decided to call it quits by the end of Joe Biden’s first (and hopefully last) term. As he departs from his monopoly on mainstream media health consultancy, he’ll pass go and collect a whopping $350,000 per year, the largest federal retirement package in US history. So cue up the in memoriam reel of everything that made the Fauci regime suck. While churches had to close starting in March 2020, somehow Fauci was OK with Tinder hookups. A year later, he waged a war on Christmas gatherings worse than the Grinch himself.

A few things Cockburn always enjoys (aside from alcohol and low prices) are drama and scandal. He was therefore delighted to learn this week that actor Bradley Cooper has been secretly dating Huma Abedin, the former top aide to Hillary Clinton and ex-wife of the political excommunicate Anthony Weiner. Per Page Six, "The top aide to Hillary Clinton... has been seeing the A-lister for the past few months, according to multiple insiders... Page Six is told that the high-profile pair arrived together at the Met Gala on May 2 and then split up for the red carpet. Pictures show Abedin, forty-six, in a canary-yellow gown posing for the cameras, with Cooper, forty-seven, keeping his distance behind her.

Jill Biden apparently thinks Hispanics are tacos and vice versa. At a conference in San Antonio on Monday, Dr. Biden said Latinos were "as unique as the breakfast tacos here in San Antonio." And just as there's a plethora of Hispanic Americans, so too is there an incredible variety of tacos. Here now are five tacos that may remind Jill Biden of various Latinos she knows. The Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell This is the most un-Mexican of the bunch (i.e. not Mexican at all, nor is it even a taco). Taco Bell’s Crunch Wrap Supreme is full of things that will upset your stomach but will satisfy your hunger. Unfortunately Jill Biden won't be able to try one given that it would come too close to eating an actual Hispanic.

Cockburn isn’t much for parades, but one happened to pass him by on Thursday when protesters with the Center for Popular Democracy rallied to overturn the overturning of Roe v. Wade. For a while, Cockburn walked alongside the protesters, watching as people in blue vests herded them along until they reached an intersection, where they promptly sat down. Cockburn, being the exquisite legal scholar that he is, deduced that this was illegal. And the demonstrators knew it too. The event was intended as a “mass civil disobedience.” Once sat down, they enjoyed chants, songs, and generally being arrested by the police. One particularly excited speaker said into the microphone: Together we gather full of righteous indignation, threatened by a radical minority...