Cockburn

Cockburn

Mischief, mayhem and Washington gossip. Send tips and party invites to cockburn@thespectator.com.

Thursday

Cockburn

Is Elon Musk’s Twitter conspiring against AOC?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is blaming Elon Musk for gumming up the works of her Twitter account. The New York congresswoman thinks that her criticism of Musk has “gotten under a certain billionaire’s skin,” leading him to mess with her notifications and mentions. Cockburn wonders whether this might be wishful thinking on the congresswoman’s part, because it is unlikely that Musk cares enough about her criticism to waste his time trying to punish her. Ocasio-Cortez, ever the card-carrying democratic socialist, went on to say that “money will never by [sic] your way out of insecurity, folks.” Cockburn is pleased to learn that AOC can steward us down the true path out of insecurity.

aoc twitter
r-word
Cockburn

So is it OK when liberals use the R-word?

A liberal elite is slurring her words (and Cockburn doesn’t mean in the fun, tipsy way). Kasey Funderburg was a sideline reporter for the University of Tennessee. According to Outkick.com, she was fired last week after someone scrolled and scrolled (and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled…) and found some tweets Funderburg, now twenty-six, wrote in 2013 containing the N-word. The whole thing started when a Twitter user encouraged Tennessee fans to wear blackface to a game. Funderburg wrote, “THIS IS A FAKE ACCOUNT and it’s disgusting that this person thinks putting out a joke like this is okay. Please don’t believe everything you read on Twitter.

Wednesday

Cockburn

No justice for minks in Denmark

The architect of the Great Mink Cull of 2020, Danish prime minister Mette Frederiksen, led her Social Democrats to victory in Tuesday’s elections. Cockburn is dismayed, for her government presided over the mass slaughter of over 15 million minks in Denmark, devastating an industry that brought in three-quarters of a billion dollars per year. The concern was that the poor creatures could spread a mutated form of Covid-19. After initially burying the dead animals, the government realized that that might not be such a good idea. The Covid-19 scare may be eliminated, but what about the pollution of drinking water? So the mink saga continued, and they were dug up to be incinerated. But wait, there is more!

minks
inflation
Cockburn

White House deletes tweet bragging of Biden’s role in inflation crisis

You know the Democrats are grasping at straws when you see the White House Twitter account praising President Biden for this year’s increased Social Security checks. Particularly, Cockburn is at pains to point out, as the increase in Social Security is indirectly indexed to inflation. "Seniors are getting the biggest increase in their Social Security checks in ten years through President Biden's leadership," the White House bragged on Tuesday. Even Twitter's in-house moderators were taken aback, deigning to slap a "context" label on the post. After helpful users added the missing context on Wednesday, the White House's tweet mysteriously disappeared. How curious!

Tuesday

Cockburn

Tim Ryan has big ‘divorced guy’ energy

Has Tim Ryan thrown in the towel? The Democratic candidate for Senate in Ohio won’t know the final outcome in his bout with J.D. Vance for another week. So why, Cockburn asks, does he give off the downtrodden vibe of a man locked in a custody battle? “I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know what else I can say,” the congressman tweeted yesterday evening, presumably with a shotgun to his chin. “If we don’t meet our final end-of-month fundraising deadline tonight, we risk losing this race — and Ohio could fall off the map.” Cockburn wonders how neighboring Pennsylvania, Indiana, Kentucky and West Virginia would feel about Ohio falling off the map. Extending Lake Erie southward a few hundred miles could offer some lucrative real estate opportunities.

tim ryan
Cockburn

Is Elon Musk about to ax millions in severance for Twitter execs?

As if getting fired from your job isn’t distressing enough, it’s got to hurt a whole lot more when you miss out on $122 million in payouts. Reuters reported that Elon Musk recently fired Twitter chief executive Parag Agrawal, CFO Ned Segal, and legal affairs and policy chief Vijaya Gadde. According to research firm Equilar, these folks were set to receive “golden parachute” payout packages worth up to $122 million in severance and unvested stock options. But according to the New York Times, “Mr. Musk… appears unlikely to pay the golden parachutes that the fired top executives of Twitter were set to receive. Under the merger agreement, those executives… had been set to receive compensation of $20 million to $60 million if they were fired. But Mr.

Monday

Cockburn

Why is Ron DeSantis ‘polarizing’ but Stacey Abrams isn’t?

Ron DeSantis and Stacey Abrams have at least a couple things in common: they’re both running for governor of their respective states, and they both recently appeared onstage at big-name concerts. It is there, however, that the similarities end. Country music star Luke Bryan is defending himself for bringing DeSantis on stage over the weekend to raise funds for Hurricane Ian victims. Bryan and DeSantis were raked over the coals on social media following the concert, with users labeling DeSantis an “anti-LGBTQ” and “anti-immigrant” governor and threatening to boycott Bryan. One user expressed fear of “my hard earned money going into the pockets of election deniers and democracy assassins.

Friday

Cockburn

Is the Trump 2024 team taking shape?

James Corden’s bad attitude So apparently before the past few days, no one in the US knew that James Corden was a total douchebag. Cockburn has lost track of whether the comedian is currently banned or unbanned from Balthazar restaurant in NYC for being rude to staff, but it’s not the first time he’s had to grovel for forgiveness. When filming for the Christmas special of Gavin and Stacey — the British sitcom about two families written by Corden and Ruth Jones that launched him to stardom — Corden apparently acted so appallingly to the cast that Jones made him drive to her house to apologize to her and the cast for his “awful twattish behavior,” a source tells Cockburn. *** Is a Trump 2024 campaign team forming?

trump 2024
Cockburn

Tom Brady is the GOAT of his divorce

After weeks of media speculation, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have announced that their divorce is finalized. Cockburn is not one to celebrate the demise of anyone’s marriage, especially when children are involved. He thinks very highly (theoretically, at least) of commitment, fidelity, happily ever after, and all that. But morality aside, Cockburn can’t help but be convinced that Tom Brady is getting the better end of this divorce deal — by far. Here’s the thing: Gisele had the dream life. She was wife to a hot, filthy-rich husband whose job it is to play a game for 18 weeks out of the year. She also got to be a mother without ever having to worry about many of the things that stress out most mothers: cooking, cleaning, paying the bills.

Cockburn

The most hysterical Twitter overreactions to Elon Musk’s first day

Elon Musk has been at Twitter's helm for barely twelve hours and he is already causing havoc. Musk took over the site on Thursday night — and by the looks of it, he wasted no time. The new boss immediately fired several top executives, including CEO Parag Agrawal, CFO Ned Segal and head of legal policy, trust and safety Vijaya Gadde. Then he posted, "the bird is freed." A source told Fox Business that the billionaire accused Agrawal, Segal and Gadde of misleading him over the number of bots on the site. Cockburn had a scan over the platform to see what people were saying about the takeover, and all is… not well. Some posters are reacting to what, in the soberest terms, is a change in leadership at a website as if it were The End of the Free World As We Know It.

elon musk twitter
Cockburn

Elon Musk is now Donald Trump’s business rival

Cockburn has always had some formidable business rivals to contend with. It's not easy competing with the likes of other thinly sourced gossip rags like Page Six and the Washington Post (even if Cockburn is confident he could drink the staff at all those publications under the table). Yet so far as competition goes, it's Elon Musk who has it the worst this week. Last night, Musk completed his $44 billion takeover of Twitter, a calm and rational discussion site where people like to post helpful gardening tips and delicious recipes. "The bird is freed," Musk tweeted, though there are at least a few people (outside the expected left-wing freak-out) who won't be quite so pleased.

Thursday

Cockburn

Publishing staff demand axing of Amy Coney Barrett book

Cockburn would like to issue a preemptive apology to those who thought being extraordinarily accomplished was enough to justify a lucrative book deal. Apparently an author's manuscript should be sent to the shredder if he or she holds an unorthodox opinion on hot-button political issues. That's the case made by the coffee-fetchers and typo-catchers in the publishing industry who signed an open letter denouncing Supreme Court Justice Amy Barrett's upcoming book with Penguin Random House. The group of "concerned publishing professionals" claim that paying Coney Barrett a $2 million advance to outline her judicial philosophy constitutes an international human rights violation. No, seriously.

amy coney barrett
Cockburn

New York Post hacked: ‘We must assassinate AOC for America’

Cockburn has always been fond of a New York Post headline. Snappy, funny, eye-catching: that's why he reads the New York tabloid every morning. But today, even for Cockburn, some were too far. In what appears to be a hacking, a scroll down the Post's Twitter feed at around 9 a.m. revealed the following headlines: “Devine: We must murder Joe and Hunter Biden” “We must assassinate AOC for America” “Frank: I will beat up sorry ass Bergen bitches like Gottheimer and his family” “Zeldin: I will rape and batter Hochul’s sorry ass pussy” “Gov. Abbott: I will order border patrol to start slaughtering illegals” "Rufo: We must destory [sic] and imprison Union teachers" "Zeldin: Eric Adams is NYC’s fried chicken eating monkey” https://twitter.

new york post
Cockburn

Prince on pre-order: Harry’s memoir release date announced

Cockburn has a few vacations coming up in 2023, so is on the hunt for some new light reading material. Thank God that Prince Harry has announced that his long-awaited memoir, Spare, will hit shelves globally on January 10. The cover features a close-up of the man fifth in line to the British throne, staring down the barrel of the camera, blue eyes glinting, beard tidily trimmed. His expression says, "this is my story." Publisher Penguin Random House said in a press release: “Spare takes readers immediately back to one of the most searing images of the twentieth century: two young boys, two princes, walking behind their mother's coffin as the world watched in sorrow — and horror.

prince harry memoir spare

Wednesday

Cockburn

The Halloween costumes guaranteed to get you fired this year

Cockburn has had some stellar Halloween costumes over the years… but the world is no longer what was. Thanks to political correctness, social media and your HR department, an outfit that’s viewed to be in poor taste could now result in your cancellation and dismissal. Maybe you’re looking to make a change at work — if so, here are some Halloween costumes that will help you unleash your inner Justin Trudeau and leave your employer no option… Candace Owens and Kanye ‘Ye’ West The real power couple of the latter half of 2022! This one is guaranteed to get you canceled. Ye’s appalling “White Lives Matter” T-shirts are a bit pricey — fortunately there is a knock-off version. Candace-style wig available here.

halloween costumes

Tuesday

Cockburn

Ye learns that hate is bad for business

Cockburn keeps up with the Kardashians, so to him, Kanye West’s recent outbursts are not much of a surprise. But over the last few weeks, anyone that didn't previously know that he was, shall we say, in decline, is now fully aware. Ye's antisemitic comments, such as declaring that he would go “death con 3 On JEWISH PEOPLE” and continuously talking about how Jews “own the media,” have resulted in dire financial consequences for him, as the various businesses he works with cancel their contracts and denounce his remarks. The most recent — and arguably the most important — business collab that Ye has watched crumble is his partnership with Adidas. The lucrative multi-year deal to design sneaker brand Yeezy was valued at $1.5 billion.

kanye west business
Cockburn

James Corden suddenly remembers his wife has a food allergy

Maybe it was all those drinks he guzzled after demanding the restaurant comp them, but James Corden forgot for a whole week that his wife has a food allergy. He used this clever excuse to try to explain away his alleged “extremely nasty behavior” that got him banned from Balthazar’s in New York, a swanky French restaurant. Keith McNally, Balthazar’s owner, labeled Corden "the most abusive customer" in his establishment’s 25-year history. McNally detailed on Instagram two accounts of abuse Balthazar’s staff received from Corden. One involved the comedian supposedly finding a hair in his food and insisting afterward on free drinks as compensation, with an added threat of bad restaurant reviews.

Monday

Cockburn

Does Taylor Swift have a drinking problem?

Being an eclectic chap, Cockburn has sampled his fair share of music. And he’s not ashamed to admit, contrary to Al Michaels’s suggestion that Taylor Swift only appeals to teenage girls, that he considers himself a “Swiftie” — not least of all because Swift makes repeated reference to one of his favorite activities: drinking alcohol. Swift just released her new album, Midnights, along with an official music video to accompany her catchy and oh-so-clever song, Anti-Hero. The video tells you all you need to know about Swift’s preferred method for dealing with her problems. Though she never mentions booze by name, she appears in the video taking shots and desperately shaking the last drop from a bottle of wine directly into her mouth.

taylor swift