Satire

In the late 1990s, author Neal Pollack developed an alter-ego character, "The Greatest Living American Writer," for the McSweeneys website, to satirize a generation of pretentious authors, particularly Norman Mailer and Gore Vidal, as well as macho literary journalists. That character formed the basis of Pollack's first book, the cult classic The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature. The GLAW has since appeared in numerous other publications,  left- and right-wing and completely apolitical, surfacing and de-surfacing as the times demand. Now he's back in The Spectator World, until we get tired of him.  I have been the Greatest Living American Writer across eight decades of world literature and have seen many shocking acts of violence.

Today, I woke up and felt hungry. In the past I would have eaten breakfast. Cereal perhaps. Some toast. A boiled egg. Not today. What am I? A pussy? My stomach rumbles and I have to feed it right away like I’m some sort of woman? “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” Oh, yeah? Says who? I’ll be the judge of that. Besides, I’m not going to make my own sandwiches. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on YouTube. I’ve been watching a lot of videos featuring Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a British-American kickboxer (odd mid-Atlantic accent included) who made a lot of money managing a Romanian studio for camgirls and now teaches people how to be real men.

‘What would you like for dinner sir?’ ‘What do you recommend?’ ‘The grilled cicadas are very fine, sir. Or the fried cockroaches.’ ‘Sounds delicious.’ Smiling, I look around the table of the Sun Valley restaurant where billionaires from Jeff Bezos to Tim Cook have convened to talk shop in a safe environment. It is a kind of tech-based relative of Bilderberg — the annual conference at which presidents, prime ministers and assorted other elite figures quietly come together. No journalists allowed, I was told. ‘I’m not a journalist!’ ‘What are you then?’ ‘I’m a thought leader.’ ‘A what?’ ‘A public intellectual.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘I have a column in the New York Times.’ It wasn’t true but it got me in.

After months of lockdown stress, I decided to treat myself to an afternoon of pampering at a health spa. I felt sure my anxiety-ridden bones would benefit from a nice long soak in some warm, soothing, vitamin-infused waters. I convinced myself that a deep massage, followed by a detoxifying celery juice smoothie would exorcise my inner demons and factory reset my mind’s iOS to pre-COVID levels of tranquility. Oh, dear reader, how wrong I was. For I had omitted to include the torrent of anti-trans bigotry I would encounter at the spa. As traumatic as it is, I shall relive my experience for you here so that it may never be repeated. As a trans woman, I am no stranger to uneducated TERFs and their ‘gender critical’ ignorance.

(If this were a documentary, I would open with the track ‘Turning Japanese’ by The Vapors which, yes, I know that’s the wrong ones, but I still think it would work so please have that song in mind as you read the opening paragraph.) Today something beautiful happened. A tortured soul was finally able to present themselves to the world as their authentic self. YouTube star, songstress and social media guru Oli London came out as Korean. Oh, and also nonbinary too, but to be honest all that gender stuff is getting a little old these days. When almost every social media influencer is either nonbinary or genderqueer, the market becomes somewhat oversaturated. Like what happened with Beyblades.

Dear Demi (whoever you are), I hope this letter finds you well and that you are able to mentally center yourself in a positive and mindful way by doing whatever it is that you do, (I’m sorry but I just don’t have time to Google you what with dealing with my own groundbreakingly courageous gender non-conforming shenanigans). I cannot express just how important it is that you’ve come out as a plural. Your bravery to invite the world to dip their jaded fingers into the open wound of your vulnerability strikes such a chord with me. I watched your video (at one point I thought I recognized you from somewhere...maybe a commercial for a cereal or something?

I wake up each morning and take a good long look in the mirror. ‘Wow! You are AMAZING!’ I say to my reflection. And I mean it. I truly mean it. I am literally gobsmacked at how incredible I am — and in so many ways. As a trans woman I am FIERCE. As an activist I am FEARLESS. As a human being I am empathy personified. Yet the moment I step out of my boudoir and into the virtual world of online social media, I am bombarded by negativity. Why is this? I know it’s not me. It’s YOU. Yes. I am sorry dear reader, but the fact that you are unable to handle me and all my perfections is a YOU problem. As an online influencer I am no stranger to violence. My viral videos often bring with them a torrent of abuse.

As someone who is able to process information at a higher level than the average person, these past few weeks I have been investing a lot of my energies into the situation we find ourselves in regards to the COVID vaccine rollout. I have some concerns. Firstly, are any of the vaccines suitable for vegans? Have the ingredients been ethically sourced from independent suppliers who only employ Black and ethnic minority workers at a 25 percent above-average wage? Did the vaccine trials include a significant subset of genderqueer and nonbinary individuals and, (more importantly) if so, were their needs met when it came to respecting their unique identities and their right to exist?

Discerning cancellation connoisseurs so far have overlooked one of the most problematic boy bands of the 20th century — and it's time to change that. The American disco group the Village People features a cast of empenised individuals donning costumes that glorify toxically masculine tropes of the time: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a sailor, a biker and, bizarrely, a Native American (more on that later). This mono-gendered depiction of the local proletariat is laughably outdated. While some might say the only thing lesbians are actually good at is running nonprofits, today we know that Sappho’s daughters are just as good as men, probably better, at chasing down perps, roping steer and erecting skyscrapers. But let’s look at the music.

Before I begin, let me get one thing straight: I am not a racist. Therefore, anything negative I say in this article is aimed exclusively at Harry, NOT Meghan. I would never dream of criticizing a strong independent WoC and everything Meghan has done in her life so far, and will achieve in the future, is empowering — and a direct result of either her own inner strength, or the systemic racism she has faced while navigating the stormy seas of prejudice.  Good, now that’s out of the way, I shall get to the plant-based meat substitute of this article. The Oprah interview was nothing short of Earth-shattering. As a Brit myself (although I inwardly apologize for this every damn day), the impact Meghan’s truth has had on us as a nation has been immense.