Dear Mary

Q. I have the sort of job that means I am regularly recruiting new young talent. Now when I go to parties I am besieged by friends, and friends of friends, looking for jobs for their graduate offspring. I am sympathetic but currently have no vacancies. How, without employing an equerry, can I discourage these approaches? – Name and address withheld A. Stay out of the mêlée of the party and instead stand unobtrusively near the entrance door with your back facing guests coming in. You can then call to people to whom you wish to speak as they pass you and filter favoured others as they are leaving. With any luck the jobseekers will only spy you as they leave, and will not wish to lose the Uber which is waiting for them by holding themselves up to have a chat with you. Q.

Q. I went to stay in the new house of a close, but not very close, friend. She put me in a charming room, but it was above a really noisy boiler that kept randomly firing up throughout the night. In the morning, when the husband asked me in front of the breakfast table if I had slept well, I told him about the boiler. I could tell from everyone’s faces that he and the other guests thought I had been rude to mention it. But if I had not said something, the next guest put in that room would be up all night just like me. What else could I have done, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. You could have used the following method. Asked if you slept well, you could have gushed: ‘Like a top. Such a comfortable room!

Q. I have a meeting scheduled with a possible business associate who asked me to buy a certain book on financial management and read it beforehand. He made a voice call last week to check whether I had got the book and, because I was actually near a bookshop, I lied and said yes. I headed for the bookshop but then got distracted. I have now forgotten both the name of the author and the title. We have no crossover friends. Help, Mary! – Name and address withheld A. You can mitigate your inadequacy by buying a copy of Simple But Not Easy by Richard Oldfield, the supreme book on investment. Read this thoroughly and absorb. Immediately on entering the meeting bamboozle your potential associate by splurging out your key ‘takeaways’ from it.

Q. We have recently moved out of London and have met charming, married lesbians who are living locally. They are coming to supper next weekend for the first time. Also present will be two heterosexual couples, who will be staying with us. One of these lesbian ladies is quite clearly the ‘stud’ and my wife and I are at a loss to know how to do the places at table, i.e., should we put the stud on my right or on my wife’s right? – J.O., Snape, Suffolk A. On this first occasion it would be slightly heavy-handed to let on that you have spotted who is the stud, etc. Instead just work out who would most enjoy sitting next to each other and do the seating plan accordingly. Q. We have a lovely housekeeper who’s looked after us for years and is super-efficient.

Q. A new neighbour (a weekender from London) asked me if I’d be prepared to pass on the contact details of my daily, which I was happy to do as I know she needs the money. That was about six months ago, and now the daily is asking if I could give her a pay rise because she’s not getting ‘the going rate’. She has never before complained about her salary. I suspect this new neighbour is overpaying. I don’t want to lose my daily, because she has been with us for years and, although she is rather hopeless, which is why we have never raised her salary, our dogs love her, but I don’t want to upgrade her pay to an unrealistic rate. What should I do? – S.H., Towcester A. Urban incomers are famous for upsetting the apple cart by overpaying rural workers.

Q. I have just got off a nine-hour overnight flight from Miami to Heathrow. I was in premium economy in the middle of the plane, an Airbus A330, sitting in the left aisle seat of a middle row of three. Beside me was another man and on his right, also in an aisle seat, was his wife. He made several trips to the loo during the night, and each time he chose to climb over and wake me up rather than disturbing his wife and using the other aisle. I just didn’t have the nerve to start something up with him about it, but now I wish I had. How could I have dealt with it? – R.H., London SW3 A. You might have switched to woke mode and told a member of the crew that this fellow passenger had rubbed against you inappropriately and you feel violated.

Q. Our daughter is very keen on a young man from her office whom she has brought home to stay with us several times since Christmas. We can see his charm but one problem has come to light, which is that the trainers he wears leave the most awful and visible tread marks all over the carpets in our house. We don’t want to start a new rule of everyone having to take their shoes off once they come into the house because I know that is bad form. But how can we tactfully get him out of these chunky sports shoes which are making our carpets look like ploughed fields? – Name and address withheld A. Buy your husband a cheap pair of trainers with similar tractor tyre-style soles. Leave them in a prominent position.

Q. I run a busy company with a workforce of 150, where I need to have short, to-the-point discussions with staff. In order to move along quickly, I set my mobile timer to ring on repeat every seven minutes. This means I have the perfect excuse for cutting short an overrunning conversation. But I cannot use this in a social setting, where I am aware it’s not OK to keep looking at one’s watch or have an alarm ring on a mobile. What should I do instead? — L.H., London SW1 A. It is, however, OK to look at a ring watch. They are available for as little as £11 and onlookers confuse them for blingy or bad-taste jewellery and do not realise that you are checking the time. Q. At the age of 65 I am surprised to find myself seeing someone.

Q. My grandson has just failed his driving test for the fifth time and yet I know, from his chauffeuring me everywhere, that he is an excellent driver. He is strikingly handsome and tall and I am convinced this prejudices the examiners against him. What would you recommend, Mary? — E.G., Alton, Hants A. Your grandson should aim towards growing enough hair for a mullet in time for his next driving test. This disfiguring haircut means that compassion should supplant any potential chippiness on the part of the next examiner and he will sail through with flying colours. Q. A neighbour and friend, who has been widowed before her time, is exhibiting some odd habits now she is living on her own.

Q. Last year I decided to share a flat with an old, but not very close, friend from school. It was a rushed decision because I had no one else at the time. But she’s far more anxious than I’d imagined. She seems to struggle with the concept of emotional independence. I try to keep boundaries but it’s hard when a person lives with you. As well as all this, she is messy and doesn’t have enough money to pay for the cleaners, so I’m on the hunt for a new housemate. I feel bad casting her aside as she works in the local bakery, and she’ll be hard-pressed finding a deal as good as this. What should I do? — Name withheld, London W10 A. Break the news with a beaming grin of positivity.

Q. My daughter is temporarily living abroad and we communicate daily on WhatsApp. She’s always desperate for any local news/gossip and I try to send her what I know, so she doesn’t feel too far away from what’s going on. A fellow parent in the village has now told me that my daughter forwards these titbits directly to others, often citing me as the source. I don’t want to gain a reputation for gossiping but neither do I want her to feel cut off. By the way, I have already tried saying ‘Just between you and me’, but her generation seems unable to understand the concept of discretion. They apparently think all information is for sharing – even the sensitive stuff. What do you recommend I do, Mary? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I went to a supper party and sat beside a man who seemed rather pleased with himself. He never once asked me a question about myself, but proceeded to tell me about his children. They seemed to all be super-successful in their fields… hedge-fund manager, top lawyer, etc. The problem was that he had seven, and I found it hard to keep concentrating. Luckily, by the time he was about to tell me about number five, we had to turn for the next course. Mary, what should I have done to have made the conversation less one-sided? – Name and address withheld A. You might have halted his flow by enthusing: ‘I’m so glad you’re daring to tell me all this.’ Pause.

Q. Every so often we’re invited to our friends’ house for lunch or dinner. It’s close by and the house is beautiful, warm and comfortable. But whatever time we’re asked to arrive for dinner or lunch, we don’t sit down to eat until at least two hours later. The back door of the house enters on to the kitchen and without fail a raw chicken or unpeeled potatoes will be sitting there when we arrive. How our friends came to believe that this much time spent with each other before the meal was a good idea is a mystery. Mary, how can I let them know it’s entirely unacceptable without hurting their feelings? – M.G., Connecticut, USA A.

Q. Around this time of year a successful friend likes to rent an expensive ski chalet with cook and fill it with friends. Guests pay for nothing except air fares and tips and he invariably invites me and my partner to join the house party. Regrettably, one thing does mar our enjoyment. Without exception, he always puts my partner and me in the worst room. We think he reasons that, since most of his guests are used to luxury and we are not, we will mind the worst room the least. But the fact is we love luxury too and would really enjoy an upgrade. We can’t think how to protest without seeming ungrateful and/or chippy, but can you see a solution, Mary? – W.B., London W5 A.

From Emma Barnett Q. What do I do about the fact that my friends are all scared of the telephone and its primary purpose? I loathe endless texting and yet I keep worrying people by actually calling them. How do I stop people answering the phone with a breathless: ‘What’s happened? Are you OK? Has someone died?’ As someone who effectively talks for a living, is there a way back? A. Most juniors do tend to react with alarm to a non-prepositioned phone call. Dispel fear with a text, festooned with laughing face emojis, asking: ‘Can you speak?’ Then dial the number. From Emily Maitlis Q.

Q. My godfather, who has managed to get me a valuable internship in the Far East, has also sent me a business-class ticket to fly out there in the new year. I have seen how much the ticket costs (£3,800) and would much prefer to cash it in, go economy (£694) and spend the balance when I am there. But would it be rude to suggest this? – Name and address withheld A. First check with your godfather that he meant to buy you a business-class ticket – his secretary may have done it in error. Then offer to go economy. If he refuses, then make the most of the opportunity, but don’t try to cash the ticket in as the airline’s computer is likely to inform him of the change. Q. I’m a bachelor and as a spare man I often get asked away for the weekend.

Q. A close friend of my own age, 52, has had various things done to her face and now looks different. She definitely looks younger than 52 – certainly when photographed – but in real life the effect is just weird. I feel I can’t properly communicate with her, i.e. ‘read’ her. I have said this to her but she clearly thinks I’m just envious because she’s offered to front the money for me to have the same treatment. We are at an impasse. How can I rescue this long-term friendship when I don’t enjoy interacting with a frozen face and dread seeing her? – S.H., London W11 A. No need to fall out with this old friend. You can still have a laugh with her over the phone, on a walk or on a long drive. Q.

Q. I live in a small house in Hampstead and have taken in a friend of a friend as a lodger. He pays me a reduced rent for use of one of my spare bedrooms. I like him, but the agreement was that he would occupy the room for two nights a week; this, however, has started to slip into him being there for three, and often four, weeknights each week. I am livid but don’t know what to say to him. Neither I nor the friend who put us in touch with each other has any idea whether he is taking advantage of me or has just become forgetful. He is a widower. How do you think I should tackle this?  – S.M., London NW3 A. Collude with an imaginary friend (let’s call her Bertha), who will play ball to help you solve this dilemma.

Q. A very likeable woman has joined the company I work for and also just moved to my village. I said I would give a drinks party for her so she could meet a few people. My husband told me we should have a cap of 20. Now my colleague has asked if she can bring her two twentysomething children and their partners. This skews the numbers slightly, but the bigger problem is that she has also asked three neighbours of mine who have never been in the house before. She said she ‘assumed they would be welcome’. Well, there is a reason these three have never been in my house, and without wanting to sound pompous, their being entertained by me will disrupt the social ecology of the village. They will start asking me back and I will have to spend years saying no.

Q. An extremely old friend is a successful purveyor of high-end goods. Last time we saw him he invited us to a forthcoming Christmas party in Mayfair for his clients and people who have helped him get clients. We never got the email invitation, so I texted him and he said: ‘Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t send it. I’ll do it today.’ But two weeks later, still no sign of it. Do we just go to the party or not? If we don’t go we fear he might be cross that we had ‘taken offence’ when no written invitation arrived. Yet we also fear that he may have decided he doesn’t want us because he now has too many Big Spenders coming and doesn’t have room for us. – M.F., London SW3 A.