Dear Mary

Q. How can I find out, without making things awkward, whether one of my close male friends fancies one of my close female friends? They have known each other for years but until recently were both in long-term relationships. Now she has developed a major crush on him. Is there a way I could help to move things forward? It is too risky to tell him directly, because if he’s not interested, it could spoil the whole dynamic of our group. – Name and address withheld A. Wait till you are alone with the male friend and scrolling on your phones. Randomly mention the female’s name, e.g: ‘Oh wow, X is running in a marathon today!’ Then, in an absent-minded manner: ‘Hey – weren’t you guys an item back in the day?

Q. Some older American friends take me and my husband out to dinner once a year when they are over in London. They are very old-school and it’s always a gastronomic feast. Last autumn – and I’ve been mulling this over in my head since then – we went to one of London’s best hotels, where I had grouse as my main course. Something had obviously gone wrong with my order as it was totally raw, and I don’t just mean slightly bloody – it had not been anywhere near an oven. I think my hosts would have been mortified if I had complained to our waiter. It was dark in the hotel so they could not see my plate. In the unlikely (I hope) event of this happening again, what should I do? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My 74-year-old husband was having drinks in the garden of some young clients when he bit down on an olive with a huge stone in the middle. He heard a crack and picked the stone out of his mouth – along with what he thought was a splinter of tooth – and threw the bits into the flowerbed. This morning his dentist told him he had thrown away a whole crown. While he could repair the crown, it will cost £500 to create a new one. Although I would have no qualms in asking someone of our own age to scrabble through a flowerbed looking for a 74-year-old man’s tooth, I feel that a beautiful twentysomething girl would be repulsed by the request. We live too far away to drive back and look ourselves. – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My parents are abroad for two months and as my flatmates in London are all, like me, working from home, I’ve moved to their country cottage to get some peace. This is an idyllic and very community-based village but one unforeseen problem has arisen. The house is at the end of a cul-de-sac lane and every time I nip out to do anything – post a letter, buy a pint of milk – I run into neighbours, each one requiring at least a five-minute chat. Short errands are taking an hour to complete. Without seeming to be unfriendly, how can I, on weekdays, give the message I am busy getting stuff done? – Q.R., Lincolnshire A. Why not take up roller-skating?

Q. Everyone was divine at a very jolly lunch I attended in the Cotswolds with the exception of one person, who everyone else seems to know and like, but about whom I have always had a mild phobia. Fortunately I didn’t have to sit anywhere near him but when I wrote to my host he told me this particular man had asked for my contact details. I really don’t want him to make contact with me. How can I duck out of this in a diplomatic way, Mary? – N.H., Gloucestershire A. You will have to just say ‘do pass them on’. If an invitation from the feared figure is then forthcoming respond immediately. Thank him with enthusiasm but explain that since you owe so many people a return of hospitality, you have had to impose a strict rule upon yourself.

Q. I was billeted for a party in Norfolk with a couple previously unknown to me. They were more than welcoming but quite formal – hence I felt awkward about asking them if they could change a £50 note so I could leave £10 for their cleaner (it was all I had in my wallet). It seemed a bit of a crass thing to ask of this particular elderly couple. Having come from the station by taxi, I had no car of my own so couldn’t drive to a cashpoint. There were no other guests staying in the house. There were no shops within walking distance and I was getting a taxi back to the station. I agonised and ended up leaving nothing. Should I have left £50 in the circumstances? What else could I have done, Mary? – M.L., London SW10 A.

Q. I have found parties frustrating this month because they have been too crowded. Is there a polite way to get through a really packed event without stopping to talk to any number of people you know and like and have things to say to, when someone you particularly want to talk to is at the other end of the room and may leave before you can get to them? – B.A., London SW1 A. It’s always worth picking up two glasses when you walk into a busy party. They will allow you to plough purposefully on towards your target. Hold the two glasses up and tell your old friends as you pass: ‘Back in a minute – let me just deliver this.’ Q. I have invited an old friend to Sunday lunch, thinking he was bringing a special lamp to illuminate an artwork he has restored.

Q. This year once again my company took a small group of clients to lunch at Royal Ascot. Our guests included a couple of former clients we asked along for old times’ sake. These have both written not only to thank us but to say we can count them in for next year’s lunch as they ‘wouldn’t miss it for the world’. Fond as we are of these former clients, to be brutally honest we can’t afford to have them every year as we need to invite current spenders. Any thoughts, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Tell them they were a great asset at the lunch and their names are definitely going into the hat for next year. When they ask ‘What hat?

Q. I have heard news of a forthcoming party which I would really love to attend. The problem is that the party is being given by a man I have met on a handful of occasions, during which we always got on like a house on fire. Unfortunately we twice left the ball in my court to arrange to meet up for a proper chat. I wanted to but never got around to it and now assume he must have felt snubbed as he has not invited me to this fairly big party. Any suggestions, Mary? – M.W., London W8 A. Make things right immediately by telephoning to invite him to dinner. Can he come on… then give the date of his own party. He is bound to explain the reason he is busy that night and invite you along. Don’t forget to follow up with a proper appointment for a one-to-one dinner. Q.

Q. My girlfriend and I have started using a personal trainer for some joint sessions at our local gym; the sessions are generally very good and we are really enjoying them. The issue is that the trainer spends quite a lot of the time on his mobile phone and it often distracts him from what he is meant to be teaching us. Sometimes we have to ask him what we are doing next while he is scrolling on his device. We are paying a lot and expect a better service, but I find it awkward saying anything to him about his phone habits. Any suggestions? – Name and address withheld A. When he starts using his mobile, pull out your own and exclaim jollily: ‘Oh good, we’re having a break are we? What a relief!’ This should embarrass him into desisting.

Q. A close friend, who has lost most of her income in recent years, has done something disfiguring to a front tooth – it looks as if she’s used Polyfilla to repair it herself. She tries to never smile so no one will see, but sadly it is highly visible. I’d be happy to pay for a dentist for her but she is proud and would hate me to patronise her. – Name and address withheld A. Collude with your own dentist. If the dentist is the right sort, you may be able to spin your friend a yarn – for example that, for the purposes of teaching junior dentists, your dentist, who has become a bit of a friend, has asked you to look out for a volunteer patient on whom to demonstrate reconstructive surgery.

Q. As a mildly famous professional cook, I agreed to judge a children’s cake-baking competition at the summer fête of the tiny village I have just moved to. Subsequent conversations have worried me as I have learnt that the parents of these under-tens are taking the competition very seriously. It’s clear that the awarding of a first prize to any child, however well deserved, will make me more enemies than friends. My name is already on the publicity leaflets and it’s too late to pull out. I would welcome your advice. – Name and address withheld A. Instead of awarding a first prize, you should pronounce each of the entries to be the winner of a separate category.

Q. In order to raise money for a worthwhile cause, I have agreed to open my garden for the first time and provide a sit-down lunch for 30. My problem is that there are certain local people who I really don’t want to come and snoop around, but I fear that once they see the advertisement they will be the first to buy tickets and thereby displace slower-off-the mark locals whose company I would genuinely enjoy. Can you help, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Insert a codicil at the end of the advertisement warning: ‘Places are limited and will be balloted.’ Q. How do you reply to summer invitations which are sent out many weeks in advance when you cannot predict whether you will even be in the country at the time?

Q. My wife’s father, who she adored, has died and she is to be his sole beneficiary. She intends to import a mass of low-grade ‘ornaments’ and unappealing furniture into our home. I’m afraid these things will, to be blunt, lower the tone of the house I inherited myself. I am fairly well-known in the art world – so it matters. Any advice, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Enthuse to your wife that you feel her late father’s possessions, so redolent of his distinctive character, would get lost if inserted piecemeal into the existing decor of your house. Instead, why not make it a project to magically recreate the atmosphere of his former home by clearing a room and turning it over to his memory?

Q. I’m 28 and lucky enough to own a four-bed house in Notting Hill. I let three of the rooms to friends. One of these now has her boyfriend over regularly. It was fine when he just stayed the night occasionally but he is now omnipresent and even brings his dirty washing over. The boyfriend contributes nothing to the running costs of the house and I feel I should say something as the rest of us are effectively subsidising him. How can I do this without causing offence? – H.N.A.M., London W11 A. Collude with one of the male lodgers. Script him so that, at a time when all four of you are sitting down together, he announces casually that he is toying, just toying, with the idea of moving to another house nearer to his place of work. He hasn’t yet decided.

Q. Some years ago, much to the surprise of our many friends in London, my husband and I moved to a remote village in Wales. We have never regretted it and often enthused to others about the area. Now we have been taken by surprise since two friends have bought a house in our village, citing our happiness as the reason for their move. While we like this couple, we don’t know them terribly well and are worried they will expect to see an awful lot of us. Our biggest dread is that, since there is bad signal here, they will assume it is OK for them to drop in without ringing first. How, without seeming unfriendly, can we respectfully draw boundaries when they have moved in? – R.M., Wales A. Tell these people how thrilled you are about their imminent move.

Q. We went for lunch over the bank holiday with the parents of one of my son’s schoolfriends. We had hardly talked to them before this. They and their friends were perfectly nice but my problem is that the slightly pushy wife kept photographing us. I am not on social media myself and had no idea she intended to put the photos all over her Instagram. For all sorts of reasons we are unhappy about the misleading impression these photos (and their captions) give of the degree of our friendship. Is there a tactful way of asking someone you don’t know that well not to post photographs of you on their social media? I can’t think how I could have done this at the time without seeming snobbish. – Name and address withheld A.

Q. As a publisher, I have been fortunate to discover an unpublished writer who is the author of some truly remarkable poetry. I have made my selection and want to go ahead with his first collection, but my stumbling block is that he is adamant that, along with the remarkable verses, I must include other work which is certainly not of the same quality. To include what is frankly doggerel would compromise the rest of the work. He is beginning to be querulous about this and says he now doubts my judgment. Mary, how can I persuade him that I know best? – Name and address withheld A. Tell him that you have been thinking about the disputed poems and have suddenly been able to clarify the reason for your instinctive rejection.

Q. Financially successful friends have kindly invited my husband and me to stay for a week in France. Our problem is that last time we went they asked each couple to post €200 for tips through the hatch of a postbox-style container so they could share out the money appropriately after everyone had left. Named envelopes were discouraged on the grounds that ‘I trust you all’. Annoyingly, later that year, I happened to overhear my host mention that one couple (of the ten staying) had failed to contribute. Mary, how can I ensure that he knows we have paid our dues when the moment comes round again? – J.L., Cornwall A. Ask your host to remind you of the nearest ATM the day before you leave.

Q. A great friend is in a terrible state regarding a cat foisted on her by a close relation. She has become very attached to it but it keeps going next door through her neighbour’s cat flap and eating the neighbour’s cats’ food. The neighbour is a high-profile elderly lady who is getting annoyed. My friend, who is supposed to be getting on with her next book, is now reduced to standing with a water pistol ready to squirt her cat if it tries to enter the neighbour’s house. My friend has offered to pay for a digital cat flap but the neighbour has replied that in the warm weather she will be leaving her garden doors, not just the cat flap, open. Moreover she leaves ‘wet’ food out all day and apparently this is very tempting. Any advice, Mary? – E.