President Trump has had a mixed reaction to the enormous document dump of “Epstein files” from the Department of Justice a week ago. The President had a terse exchange with CNN’s Kaitlan Collins when she asked about the files Tuesday – yet in his pre-Super Bowl NBC interview, Trump was empathetic toward one of his predecessors. “It bothers me that they’re going after Bill Clinton,” he told Tom Llamas, referring to how the former president and his wife, Hillary, were being compelled to testify before Congress about Epstein.
Cockburn wonders if that compassion extends to another figure he moved in the same circles as back in the early 2000s: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. The former prince was evicted from the Royal Lodge this week and is facing pressure to come and speak to Congress about l’affaire Epstein. Speaking under oath would offer Andrew less wiggle room than his car-crash 2019 interview on BBC Newsnight.
There’s another curious parallel between Andrew in his messy UK trade-envoy era and President Trump though: Andrew seemed to conduct business upon behalf of Britain in much the same way as Trump 2.0, with many of the same players.
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Take Andrew’s email to Epstein on Christmas Eve 2010 (how festive!), where he shares “a confidential brief produced by the Provincial Reconstruction Team in Helmand Province for International Investment Opportunities.” Attempting to clean up a messy Asian conflict through the might of capitalism: does that not sound awfully similar to the President’s plan for Gaza? “I am going to offer this elsewhere in my network (including Abu Dhabi),” Andrew tells Epstein.
Ah yes, Abu Dhabi. The United Arab Emirates pops up a number of times in the latest release. In December 2009, Epstein asks Andrew, “which middle east country are you strongest” The prince replies, “UAE. But could do all if required.” Over the course of the next year, it seems Andrew is often “about to get on a plane to Abu Dhabi.”
“In very poor coverage area right now. Will try Sunday when I’m back in Abu Dhabi proper,” Andrew says to Epstein in January 2010. Then, “In Abu Dhabi. What an intro thanks,” Andrew writes to Epstein in August of that year. A couple of months later, Epstein writes:
I know that sheik hamad, was just there should punch my card, with him you can also tell him that he is my neighbor in new york
Four days later, Andrew replies. “Sadly never got the chance to see Hamad before they left. I don’t have his direct contact details so have not been able to mark his card for you. But I know the message has been passed to ABZ.”
The Sheikh Hamad they discuss, presumably, is Hamad bin Zayed, head of the Abu Dhabi Investment Authority since 2010 and the half-brother of leader Mohammed bin Zayed. “ABZ,” in this context, you would assume to be UAE foreign minister Abdullah bin Zayed, who signed the Trump-administration-masterminded Abraham Accords in 2020. Representatives of another bin Zayed bro – Tahnoon, the national security advisor – inked a deal with Eric Trump to purchase a 49 percent, $500 million stake in the Trump Organization’s crypto venture World Liberty Financial four days before the 2025 inauguration. President Trump denied involvement in the deal.
Then there’s the noisy neighbors Saudi Arabia. The first leader Trump spoke to after his 2025 inauguration? Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. The President also visited last May, in a swing that also took him to the UAE and Qatar. Trump’s envoy and son-in-law is in constant WhatsApp contact with MbS. On November 24, 2010, Andrew sends Epstein an email with the subject line “Abdullah”:
Hey! You are in big time.
He thinks you are great and would like to introduce you to Sheikh Mohammed, the Crown Prince.
Doesn’t think it can be done before the end of the year though.
This followed Andrew making an excuse for declining lunch with Epstein and Ghislaine that September: “have a lunch with Saudi Prince,” he wrote in September 2010.
In a November 2010 exchange where Andrew enquires for Epstein’s whereabouts, the financier replies, “currently turkey… tomorrow paris.” The prince’s response is a touch concerning: “Working your way home in stages! Hope you have picked some new selections!” Trump, meanwhile, has a longstanding “bromance” with Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan – and might even do a bit of business with him, if the US opts to sell Turkey some F-35 fighter jets.
Epstein was apparently ahead of the curve when it comes to favoring the Middle East over Europe. Alas for him, he was about 500 years out of date when it comes to the age of consent.
On our radar
#NOTMYCIRCUS Last night, President Trump shared a video on Truth Social that depicted Barack and Michelle Obama as primates in a jungle. The clip has since been deleted, with a person familiar blaming a “staffer” for posting it.
STEAK OUT Trump is signing an executive order at 3 p.m., believed to be about Argentinian beef.
LIVING THAT LIFE VONN DUTCH Lindsay Vonn, the 41-year-old American ski racer, will be competing in the Winter Olympics after tearing her ACL a week ago. She completed a training run this morning.
The infomercial midterms
We already have a reality-show presidency, so infomercials are the next natural frontier for political representation. MyPillow’s Mike Lindell is currently trailing Amy Klobuchar by about 80 points in Minnesota gubernatorial polling. Our best chance for the infomercial-to-government pipeline, therefore, lies with Offer Vince Shlomi, the charismatic creator of the ShamWow and the Slap Chop.
Shlomi is running for the Republican nomination for Congress in District 31 in central Texas, currently represented by the 84-year-old John Carter, who’s running again despite barely being able to utter a coherent sentence. Unfortunately for infomercial fans, there are also 10 other candidates.
Shlomi dropped a banger of a campaign ad this week. “Stop having a politician that’s worse than Biden,” he says, before showing a gurgling clip of John Carter. “Instead,” he said, “vote for me, a guy who’s not half-dead.” He shows a guy wiping away his “liberal tears” with a ShamWow and says, “I’m gonna slap chop the nuts outta the woke.”
If, somehow, Shlomi miraculously survives the primary gauntlet, Texas will stand a good chance at representation from a right-wing infomercial shock comic in the House. His ad ends with a fetus sonogram saying, “VOTE FOR SHAM WOW!” Who among us can resist the political plea of an unborn animated baby?
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