Three women in my Tuesday weights class are getting married. While we squat and thrust and fling our kettlebells around, there’s non-stop talk of veils, decorations, modes of transport to the venue and whether anyone eats wedding cake these days. Men are allowed in this weights class but, oddly, none ever shows up.
The major update from one of the brides this week was that the local register office had given permission for her dog to attend the ceremony. She duly bought ‘a little tux’ for Badger, so he could look the part.
How do we feel about dogs at weddings? Given the declining birth rate, soaring dog population and lamentations that young people are increasingly relinquishing the idea of children in favour of the cockerpoo, it’s increasingly common to see a dog trot up the aisle. He may even have a little pouch attached to his collar, not for poo bags or biscuits, but for the rings. Why rely on the hopeless, hungover best man to remember the rings when you could simply make your dog the ring-bearer instead?
I’d be nervous about including Dennis. The list of contraband that he’s swallowed includes but is not limited to: tissues off the pavement, discarded chicken bones, plastic bottle tops, a toy Pac-Man, 597 foam earplugs, conkers, shards of plastic Biro, socks and the occasional knicker gusset. I wouldn’t put a three-carat solitaire past him.
And if you allow dogs, do you allow other pets? Horses, of course, aren’t uncommon at some country weddings, and I once went to a Hampshire wedding where alpacas greeted us as we entered the marquee. But what if the groom wanted to bring his python or tarantula? If he’s that way inclined, he’s done jolly well to find someone willing to marry him, but some of the congregation may be perturbed.
The dog policy varies from council to council. Islington town hall, for instance, is very pro dogs at weddings, although only one dog per couple is allowed and there’s a list of rules. You must stop your dog from climbing on the town hall furniture, the website stipulates, and bring wipes to ‘clean up any messes’. Got that, bridal party? Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a packet of Dettol wipes while you’re at it. Bromley council has a blanket no-dogs policy at all its venues. Chelsea town hall will allow them, but only if it’s a labrador (only joking, spaniels are welcome too). The Church of England, meanwhile, has no official dog policy. If you’re doing it in a church, you need to chat up the relevant vicar.
Including one’s dog has become so popular that various businesses exist to meet demand. Precious Pets Weddings boasts that it’s the ‘UK’s original wedding dog chaperone service’, covering more than 50 venues. Say I was getting married, for instance (don’t laugh, just try to imagine it). If I could overcome my fear that Dennis would treat the rings like a delicious snack, Precious Pets would help me on the day.
According to its website, it would collect him on the morning of my wedding for a pre-ceremony walk ‘to burn off any pre-wedding excitement’ and ensure he was calm, not down the pub knocking back pints with the ushers. They would spruce him up to make sure he was ‘photo ready’, then take him to the venue or church so Dennis could ‘familiarise’ himself with the location. If I fancied it, he could arrive at said venue in its ‘Wedding Wheels’ car, decorated with paw-print bows and ribbons. There’s a built-in camera system in this car, should I want any footage of Dennis making this grand arrival.
Dogs may also apparently now ‘walk’ the bride down the aisle and act as ‘flower pup’ alongside the bridesmaid
Precious Pets would look after him during the service, take photos of his big moment, then whisk him back to an agreed location. No reception for Dennis. He’d only hog all the canapés and do something unmentionable on the dance floor. The cost for this service starts at £425.
It’s big business because, according to a Guide Dogs UK survey, more than 90 per cent of dog owners planning a wedding now want their dog to be involved. Ring-bearer isn’t necessarily the only role, either. Dogs may also apparently ‘walk’ the bride down the aisle, act as ‘flower pup’ alongside the bridesmaids or page boys and be included in the family photos. Astonishingly, 42 per cent of those surveyed said they’d also like to involve their dog in the first dance. How? Does Peta know about this? The idea of including your poor dog in some embarrassing spectacle while a ropey local band cranks out a ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ cover feels suspiciously like cruelty to me.
Disaster stories seem to be relatively common. Dogs that savage the bouquet; dogs that leap into the lake moments before the critical moment and then shake themselves all over the bride’s pristine dress; dogs that beat everyone else to the wedding cake and then need an emergency stomach pump at the vet because they’ve swallowed too many raisins. They make the weddings in EastEnders look quite tame. That said, the Precious Pets website says it’s taking bookings for 2028, so even though Mr Right remains determinedly elusive, perhaps I should pick a date, just in case?
Comments